Oh! Lovely lady that was a heart wrenching read!
Any tips or answer that I could offer would be things that deep down you know already. Occasionally life throws a great big, enormous tsunami of trauma at us and it knocks us so hard we can hardly breathe.
Many people believe that grief, sadness and loss have a time-span and then you become "all better again" with the greatest of respect and as somebody who (as you know) hardly ever swears...
This is bullshit!!!
Such life changing events floor us when we are walking round the supermarket, wake at 3am to run to the toilet or when we are busy with anything else at all. A smell, a sound, piece of music, yup even the piercing ring of the phone can take us all to quickly back to that place that we do not want to re-visit.
However you have noticed and realised that you have an issue, this is crucial, we can never beat a problem that we do not recognise exists, right? Step 1 is complete.
Something I would change in your memory and association of the phone is that rather than fear, the emotion you are trying to avoid is hurt, heartbreak and grief in a word sadness. the word fear is a word that holds too many associations with power.
You have started to go short periods without your phone and you say you fail, you are not failing, you are succeeding for a short time...Now you are trying to work through this, you will do it.
Not everyone will agree with the tip I am about to give you BUT it is one of the biggest things that helped me through a very similar situation...Pick up your phone and tell your Dad all about it! Yeah I know it sounds a little strange, but please give it a go.
Do not rush yourself, take it slow and try and find the way that fits you best to work through it. and always remember that your Mom and Dad brought up a wonderful, funny, caring and inspiring daughter who has a deep well of strength deeper than even she realises yet.
Massive cyber-hugs are being sent to you, much love and the very best of wishes. Just remember that the very best parts of those we love are the ones we carry within us most of all. Just keep going Bianca despite the inner clouds that take over at times, ultimately your sunshiney spirit will be the one that wins.💖
