Too Many Friends?
Who Needs Them Anyway?
Change your life forever with the How To Lose Friends and Annoy People Program!
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My methods are fool-proof. This is my quick start guide to being an asshole. You will lose friends and your ears will be burning in no time!
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Let's get into it...
Know Everything, About Everything
It’s important to never admit that you are wrong. When talking to people you must keep your mind closed at all times - this is very important.
Some people are going to tell you that you are wrong, or that you may have missed something - they are lying- you are perfect and incapable of making mistakes!
They do not have a clue what they are talking about. You are way smarter than them.
They should be hanging off every word that you say. They should be grateful that you are giving them some of your valuable time as you share your deep wisdom with them.
Unfortunately, most people are very ungrateful and talk to much. That’s something that you’re going to have get used. It's not easy knowing more than everyone else.
If you find yourself in a conversation that you know little or nothing about, wing it. Make it up as you go along and keep digging a hole for yourself - think of it as a training drill. The deeper you dig, the more skill that will be required to dig yourself out of it.
Importantly, don’t back down, fight tooth and nail to win at all costs. You must not lose face, especially when other people are listening.
Don’t Let Them Get a Word In
The person that does most of the talking wins most of the time. Don’t stop until they surrender.
Don’t believe that old fallacy that says that the first person to talk loses. It’s just another trick.
Your mission is to take control of the conversation right from the start.
Start by looking them straight in the eye. Try to intimidate them and get them on the back foot early. Be confident - stand tall, pull your shoulders back, pump your chest out and suck your belly in.
When they talk - switch off, don’t listen to a word they say.
You can read their minds - you already know what they are going to say before they say it. It’s important to stay at least one step ahead of them at all times.
These people are evil - they want to alter your mind and force their opinions on you. Remain on-guard at all times.
As you are staring into their eyes pretend to be interested in what they are saying.
While they are babbling begin thinking about what to say next. Once you know what to say - cut them off immediately and talk over the top of them. They may resist you initially. If they continue to babble raise your voice and keep increasing the decibels until they back down. Once they’ve complied you can begin to lower your voice, gradually.
Keep talking for as long as you can. It’s important to not let them get a word in - that is the name of the game. If they are so rude as to interrupt you, raise your voice again, repeat as often as is necessary.
If they persist, try pointing your finger at them, wave your arms in the air, try rolling your eyes and shaking your head. Tapping your index on your temple will send them the message that they are crazy. Body language is very important.
When you encounter an unusually stubborn specimen that is not responding - stare them down while holding your breath until your face turns red. Unfortunately, you will need to stop talking for a few seconds to achieve this - their loss.
When your face is as red as a tomato, you are ready. Now is the time to really let them have it.
Yell at them at the top of your voice. If you accidentally spit on them don’t worry about it - you’re very close to putting them back in their place.
If there are other people in the vicinity your chances of success are much greater. If their aren’t people nearby encourage them to walk with you as you herd them towards a more populated area. For this reason, always try to meet your friends (adversaries) in a busy public setting.
I could have included lying, getting drunk and obnoxious but I’m quite certain that the first two techniques will ensure that you will soon find yourself leading a very lonely existence.
Truly listen to what people have to say.
Always be open to learning something new.
A spoken or written word cannot be taken back.
Stay in the present. Display genuine empathy and compassion.
There is a time to talk and a time to listen. There is always the option of walking away - some times it just isn’t worth it.
There is a reason why we have two ears and only one mouth, use them proportionally.
I learned much of this the hard way - don't make the same mistakes I did.
Do the exact opposite of everything that I said in this satirical post and you will have plenty of friends and an awesome life and that is my wish for you!
Peace, Love & Truth