To the friends I lost because of my psychotic depression

''You see a person's true colors when you are no longer beneficial to their life.''

Be cautious who you let in your circle.
People are very good at putting on masks.
It 's the game of pretending.
But one day, their true colors will appear and you will truly see what they are made of.
To those of you who let me down when I was at my absolute worst, I want to thank you for doing so.
I do not wish any harm upon my worst ennemy, but I hope that if there ever comes a day where you end up where I was, you will remember what you did to me. Leaving me suffering alone. No closure. No explanations. No freaking reasons why.
With friends like these who needs enemies right?
I ought to forget.

It 's when people are out of money, starving, under pressure, caught up in their own madness, that you can see who they truly are. Anyone can be nice when things go their way, but it is only when the darkest days will come, that you will truly see the clearer version of who they really are. In the end, I won 't get mad at you. I will simply keep on walking forward and paint a beautiful mural of lessons with the colors that you have revealed to me. I get disappointed often by people nowadays. How easy is it to tell someone that you will always be there for them, that you will always remain honest and authentic with them. But the question is, how many people out there do really keep this promise? I no longer characterize individuals by their words. Words can fool anyone right?

Depression is like being trapped in a living hell. And I understand that from an outsider's perspective, it looks like we have bad temper, shitty behaviour, constant moodiness and pessimism, like I get it that it's hard to offer compassion when you see us this way. If only, you knew what it really feels like to be a half-living ghost. If it is frightening to witness, you have no clue how frightening it is to have it inside you and experience it.

Society does not understand depression because it's hard to imagine... But you want to know the main reason why? They don't understand depression because they don't want to. No wonder why we are stuck denying to ourselves that we are really suffering because what we are labeled with has ''bad reputation''....

No matter how profound the pain has been for more than 3 years, I am thankful for the good it brought me. Yeah what possible positive thing could bring an illness? Well, it helped me find myself. And it helped me find out that you were not the friends I thought you were. Thank you depression. You were a curse then. You are a gift now.

The Truth...

I am not mad at you. I am aware that I jeopardized personal and professional relationships that took forever to build and that will take most likely forever to repair. I dropped out of school. Took a path that took away my soul, my sanity, my everything. But fast forward seven months to now, and I could not be more proud of myself and where I am with my life. I begun to saw clarity for the first time in years, and it's a shame you let me down when there was a storm inside of me, because now, nothing will stop me until I reach the top.

I will never be able to put in words and describe how getting out of my depression and stopping my medication made me become the best version of myself. My soul is filled with purity. Compassion. Integrity. Unlimited amount of kindness. I will be forever thankful that I had to go through hell and back in order to get to where I am today, because I would not exchange who I am now for anything in the world.

There's only a couple people who stuck around, and if you were to know who these people are, you would quickly find out that they are the most caring, empathic and sweet hearted individuals I have ever came across. And these two people are the only ones I will ever need. They are the ones who never lost faith in me. They are the ones who understood I could not just ''snap out of it''. They are the ones who I will never stop loving.

You are the friends who did not stuck around through thick and thin.
You are the friends who ran away so fast when I was drowning in darkness.
You are the friends who did not held my hand when I tried committing suicide.
You are the friends who did not show up.

Thank you for letting me down when I needed you the most.
There was not a place for you anyway.
My story is not over.
To the friends who are no longer my friends, thank you.
I sincerely wish you the best,

Sabrina