Wait! Please wait! It can't be over already...there was so much more I wanted to do together!!
We have 3 kids. Identical twin boys, 19, who just started college last month at separate universities, and a daughter who is 13. The boys now come home from school most weekends since their schools are within a couple of hours of our house. This is a big adjustment for all of us, and I like that they want to come back home frequently. But, basically at the end of each weekend when they leave to go back to school I feel a sadness. For me it's like they are leaving home all over again every weekend.
Each time as they go back I feel like, "wait, wait… There was so much more I wish we had done together!" In one way I mean this about the weekend we just had together, but on a larger level I'm also referring to their whole childhood. 😳 It is a mom thing I know...always thinking we should have/could have/would have done more. But, Each time my boys go back to school after visiting home for the weekend I am mildly dealing with this struggle inside.
I'm struggling to accept that their whole childhood is done.
Garden of the Gods, CO
Where did all of that time go and how the hell did this all happen so fast?!
I shared my feelings with their father trying to explain why I get sad every Sunday night, and he said "Thanks for this explanation. It makes sense. If I could raise them all over again, I know I would do so much better now. But, that's not how the world works. Parents ever only get "on the job training". Regardless, the boys are grown now. We are here for them, but they have different priorities now. As hard as it is for us to accept, they probably don't/won't want to see us any more than we want to see our own parents. It's just the way the world works. We need to honor that and not let our regrets about our past parenting, or our nostalgia for the past, cause us to be clingy with them. Home is always home, so until they are settled in their own they will always likely prefer our house over their dorm/apartment, but let's not kid ourselves--it's home they want, not us. And, that's as it should be." His wise words comforted me for a couple of days, but then my angst returned.
Great Sand Dunes National Park, CO
It's not like we neglected them or were really bad parents. We traveled with them, took them to parks, enjoyed movie nights together, got them the best tutors, healthcare, Etc. But could we have done more? Sure. Were we perfect? No. Are we supposed to be perfect? Of course not.
Basically I'm questioning - were we good enough parents?
Puerto Rico
Are they well prepared to survive on their own? How much of how they turn out is nature versus nurture? How do we continue to support and encourage them as they go off to college without it becoming enabling? That last part is very fine line...
I think it would have helped me to have clarified my parenting intention or aspirations many years ago. I never really had one as they were growing up. Part of me feels like I just cleaned, fed, tended fires as things blew up and greased the squeaky wheels for the last 19 years. But perhaps it's not too late and this can still serve to help me and my kids now and going forward.
So for now my parenting aspirations are these: to raise kids who know how to live independently, who know they are loved for who they are, but who continue to strive to see themselves and life with ever more clarity. They pursue their passions vs what society/peers imply they should pursue. They are compassionate towards others. They know that open communications, honesty and reliability are THE cornerstones to healthy relationships and essential to feeling at peace within themselves. And they know those qualities come from practicing self discipline...like doing first things first even when they don't feel like it, and seeking help when they don't know how to proceed. And when they make mistakes they know only way out is through...they admit what happened to themselves and their parent/boss/friend/Etc and recommit to the practice.
House Mountain, TN
Trying to stay mindful of my aspirations as they come back home this afternoon for the weekend. The past is the past. There is only here and now.
I would be grateful for any parenting wisdom you have to share in the comments below.
(xoxo for the lovely photos - credits to my @sean-king)
This was an insightful post. I think parenting is small versions of this constantly. For example, this year kid lamented that none of her friends seem to want to play pretend games on the playground anymore. They want to sit and gossip, or play sports. She says she's opting to play sports instead of sitting around because she wants to get her energy out, but she misses the pretend play (fairies, superheroes, magic) from last year. I supported her choice to play ball and encouraged her to feel out some of the other girls because maybe there are others like her who'd like to play pretend again. Maybe I shouldn't have said it this way, but I what I told her was, "Listen, you only have another year or so where you'll want to play this kind of pretend and I hate for you to waste it. It's such a beautiful part of life that we tend to grow out of to a degree and I don't want you to lose that so soon if you're not ready." I don't think she's found any other girl who wants to play pretend yet, though. They're all so ready to move on to being older and cooler and "too grown up" for that. But my girl tells me at night, "I don't want to grow up yet. I like being a child. I'll be a grown up for a very long time. I don't want to give this up yet."
Maybe that wasn't the best example since that is something she still wants to do. Haha. Maybe a better example would have been the little toys in the playroom that she hasn't touched in two years and I realized just recently that part is done. Over. Gone. And while I'm glad that means I can get rid of some of this stuff, it's also sad to think she'll never be that little girl on the floor, moving her toy people around, taking them on adventures. I was up for a few more years of that, personally. :)
Love you and all our kids. <3
It took me five days to respond to your comment… Because it was so touchingly on point. gulp. You are exactly right. Parenting is small versions of this constantly. 18/20 years sounds like a long time, but honestly it feels like it has gone in a flash. I still have a box of Legos, "little toys ", in the basement and the boys are 19 years old. wtf??!! My little boys are nearly men now, I am still clinging to moments where they might let me nurture them, provide for them, and feed them.
Your little one has had a splendidly beautiful child hood and It is understandable, and heart wrenching that she wants to linger there as long as possible. Thank you for sharing that you could relate and that I'm not alone. I love you and all our kids too. 🙏🏽💕
My wife and I have passed through that phase of our life but we have remained very close. We all still live in the same vicinity and have daily contact. we are now in the grandparent stage! So we now get to use all that knowledge we gained as parents. And chuckle a little as we watch our children cope with parenting.
Must be so interesting to see your kids have kids! One day for us, hopefully. :)
upvoted for integrity
Thank you @earnest
I had a dad well into my adult life ; however I was the youngest of ten children so simply by then dear old dad had totally lost interest in being a father , probably post traumatic stress disorder from raising all my older siblings . . .
Could be he had 10th child PTSD syndrome. as an adult now do you feel more understanding and empathy for your dad, who was probably spent and exhausted? Or does the lack of attention still sting...? Just wondering how it feels for you.
Oh the sting is there, but how can one know what one is missing. A person can never know until it is much much later. I was well and truly an adult before I could compare my situation to that of others : )
I lost my dad at a young age. So, if there's anything you want to do with them that you haven't done yet ... Do IT.
I'm sorry for your loss at a young age. Good advice. Been wanting to go to a Japanese Hibatchi restaurant with them for a while. Booked it for tonight. Thanks for the encouragement.
Thank you for sharing this material, I like what you posted. Thank you so much
Thank you for reading and commenting.
I think that you have the parenting wisdom thing covered.
It may sound like it in this post, but in real life, day-to-day, I struggle. Thanks for the support though. 🤗
I think we all do. <3