As some of you may know, I'm a charity fundraiser by part-time profession. It's expected that weird stuff will happen to you, but only by reading the title will you be able to guess what happened to me on one door in particular.

I knock on a normal looking door, expecting a normal person to answer. The girl that answers is a big lass, very loud, very friendly. I knew I had her in the bag.

The first thing she mentions is how I have light hair and dark eyebrows. She then asks if my pubes are black too.

So, I start signing her up and all of a sudden she interrupts me, saying what she believes to be a fact about me.

"You have OCD, you got it from your mother's side."

I go along with it.

"You study something high level at university."
"You're either 23 or 24 years old."
"You have a twin."

It turns out she thinks she's fucking psychic. I continue to go along with it, I'll do anything for a signup.

The neighbour's cat suddenly runs out of her house and she screams

I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD IF YOUR CAT COMES IN MY HOUSE AGAIN I'LL FUCKING STICK IT IN THE MICROWAVE!

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When I finally finish signing her up, she goes on to ask me to come in. Now please bear in mind that her body language has been highly suggestive throughout this endeavour. I obviously go in, fully expecting to get laid.

So, I'm sat in her house and we're having a can of cider. And I decide to ask her what she does for a living.

"Do you really want to know?"
Yes.
"I'm a carer by day, and a dominatrix by night."

Src

Holy fuck.
Prostitute, sure; but dominatrix, what!?

I ask what kind of stuff she does and I realize it's way too hardcore for me.

So what kind of stuff would you do for a fragile teenage boy? Something not too hardcore?
"Well, I suppose nipple clamps are rather softcore."
Isn't that a form of torture? Anything softer?
"I suppose I could tie you up and tease you a little bit."

That's more up my street.

She goes on to tell me about some of her clients. One supposedly requested to be dressed up like a girl and locked in the under stair cupboard like harry potter whilst another clent was being serviced upstairs.

Src

I noticed that she was quite... jumpy and asked if she'd taken anything. Turns out she'd been sniffing coke all day long. Fair enough lass.

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I was in the right mind to just give up and let her do her thing when my team leader rang. I guess that brought me back down to earth and reminded me that I don't get paid hourly to give into my masochistic tendencies.

Anyway, we exchanged numbers. I'm sure I'll see her again soon.

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This is my second entry to #comedyopenmic round 19, I nominate @steemnsfw and @dom