HOW’S YOUR ARSE?

in life •  last year

Americans say ass when they mean arse. An ass is actually a donkey like animal that makes braying noises (much like our New Zealand Prime Minister, but that’s another story) and is popular among people who either can’t afford a horse, or don’t have living space for one.

Getting back to the whole arse thing, there is also a lot of confusion about what makes a fine piece of arse. Should it be full and rounded like two large pumpkins side by side, or should it be small and flat like a phone book entrapped in a pair of knickers?

Phillip K Dick believed that the world was comprised of multiple parallel universes and when it comes to arses, there are clearly multiple parallel arse ideals.

One is “Women’s magazine” arse. These magazines appear to be written by gay men who are drawn to looking at the arses of boys, but who realise that by preying on the insecurities of women with larger arses than boys, they can sell all sorts of crap. It also gives them a good cover story to distract onlookers from noticing that they are spending a lot of time looking at well groomed school boys.

Another arse universe is surgically enhanced arse world. In this parallel, arses, like breasts, must be surgically enhanced. There is money to be made here, so it goes without saying that the procedure is completely safe and it would be impossible to change the shape of one’s arse through, say, exercise or diet.

A third and also very profitable arse universe is the one where arses can be rapidly transformed into full, spectacular, rotund monuments to the female form, by doing hard workouts in the gym and taking arse supplements. This process takes three to seven days. (Some women may find the process takes longer, but should persist until they get the results they desire.)

In the male parallel, arses, like breasts, are things to be looked at and assessed, like car engines and computer specs, but unlike cars and computers, they are not things to aspire to actually own (except vicariously).

Some men do possess their own breasts (man-boobs) and some also have arses that are larger than most school boy admiring women’s magazine editors would consider optimal. But these man curves are not considered assets.

The consistent thing across all arse universes is that the answer to the question “how’s your arse?” is “at less than its full potential”. But your arse goals can be achieved through well directed financial expenditure, and hard work (preferably driven by guilt, but fear, envy and inadequacy are all helpful too.)

Arses are not for sitting about on, In fact, sitting is the new smoking, and you should spend all day standing at your standing desk, walking at your treadmill desk, or squatting on your squatty potty.


And now for a real bunch of arse…

Wear your arse with pride, and remember that every time you replace the word ass on the internet with the word arse, an American somewhere gets confused and forgets to shoot someone.


All of the images in this post not labelled @sift666 were randomly copied from the internet – more sources can be found using Google Image Search - https://images.google.com/

I just uploaded them to my Steemimg account - https://www.steemimg.com/sift666 straight from my Arse Images folder which contains 666 random arse images, so I have no idea whose arses they were to begin with. I’m a firm believer that once posted on the public domain, images are open season, and arse images in particular would be nearly impossible to find the original sources of, because they are shared across hundreds of web pages.
If you would like to see more arse photos, here are some on my Pinterest account – http://nz.pinterest.com/wheels69/arse

And if you would like to use any of my own photos or images, feel free to grab whatever you like from http://www.frot.co.nz


SIFT666 aka Ian Gregson is a professional arse potential coach and crypto-currency investor from Wellington, New Zealand.
In between checking out random arses and participating in extreme ironing contests, he likes to watch YouTube videos about intimate personal shaving and is currently developing a new website portal to rival Steemit called http://www.frot.co.nz


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Man you are so on the ball and with it, I'm learning so much about Stem from you so thanks from this newb!

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See how back in the good old days you could earn 5 cents for a post that only took a few hours to knock out :)

And you just earned 13 cents for your comment! - Steemit has really changed...

Hilarious. Some of those rears look wonderful, and some look like they received way too much surgical enhancement. Having inherited the arse genetics of my maternal grandfather's family, I've learned to live without much of one (sitting on hard seats is uncomfortable, for example, due to the lack of "padding" back there). I've managed to make it shaplier with exercises, but for most social outings where I want to look curvier than I am, I just wear padded underwear....there's a brand here called Booty Pop that does the job quite nicely. :)

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That sounds like a much better solution than surgical intervention!

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Exactly, @kiwideb. You don't need surgery to have a nice arse. Just fashion yourself one out of available materials, kind of like we did with padding our bras when we were kids and just developing breasts. It just makes you look curvier in your clothes, which boosts self-esteem, and gets the attention of those you want looking at you (if anyone). No one's going to care if it's real or not if they actually manage to get you naked. Haha!

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Heck yeah! I've got a nice supply of those, and kindly bought some for my mother one Christmas a few years ago, as well (she is similarly arse-disadvantaged to me).

Plus, the padding actually allows me to sit comfortably on a hard chair. Imagine the world of possibilities that beautiful discovery opened up for me. :)

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Do they make XXXL size ones?

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Haha! I suggest you check their website.

haha! This was hilarious! I just nominated you for project curie :)