I waited until marriage before trying to have sex, but on my honeymoon I found that I couldn't. I mean, that I physically couldn't. My husband said it was like he was hitting a wall. No matter how hard we tried or how much we wanted to it was simply impossible. We searched the internet, trying to figure out what could be wrong, when we came across this word:

Vaginismus

Welcome to part 2 of this special edition of Seth's Steemit Blog where Seth isn't actually the author. 

I'm Seth's wife Jessica. 

This is a continuation of yesterday's article: "I've Never Had Sex With My Husband, Here's Why..." If you're interested in my story, please read it before going on to this entry.

Never heard of Vaginismus? I'm not surprised...

You're not alone in your ignorance. I keep seeing the squiggly red underline so apparently it isn't even in my computer's dictionary.

"I know nothing of this subject." - My Computer, 2016

Here's a definition:

vag·i·nis·mus

 noun

1. painful spasmodic contraction of the vagina in response to physical contact or pressure (especially in sexual intercourse).

Essentially, when attempting to have penetrative sex, the pelvic floor muscles contract so tightly that the penis is unable to enter. Let me tell you how this feels. I’ll use a food metaphor so that I don’t need to keep typing out the word “penis.”

You’re really hungry. You want to eat to fulfill your appetite. You make yourself a huge feast (not caring about the calories, of course). You go to eat, but when you try to swallow, you find that the food won’t fit down your throat.

To force it down even a little bit, you must endure a stinging feeling so painful that it almost feels freezing cold. It feels as though the food is hitting a wall. In fact, it can often be hard to find the opening to your throat at all. I’m sorry—that was the only way I could think to describe how it felt without actually describing it (also about the freezing cold stinging pain—have you ever experienced pain like that?). 

Vaginismus is what I have, and what is preventing my husband and I from having sex. A lot of doctors aren’t even aware of it. I’ve read internet posts from poor women whose doctors suggested they “just get over it” or “keep trying”. Let me tell you—we have tried. Lots. This is a serious psychological issue that takes time, effort and money to overcome. I’m going to go back to the food analogy. Imagine if you physically could not get food down your throat, but people were telling you to “just try harder!” How helpful is that? 

Here are the Facts

Since I'm assuming you’ve never heard of vaginismus (lucky bastard) I'm gonna give you some statistics:   

• Roughly 2 in 1000 women have vaginismus (that number could be higher—many women are afraid and/or embarrassed to come forward about it)
• There is a higher incidence of vaginismus in women between 15 and 25
• It occurs in approximately 5 out of 1000 marriages in Ireland alone  · Occurs across all cultures, religious affiliations, education levels, or intelligence (I guess there has been a bit of a stereotype that only uneducated, Bible-thumping-type women have vaginismus—as for me: I’m Canadian, University educated, Christian. You can make what you will of that and judge my intelligence as you see fit.)
• Potential causes: Fear, anxiety, traumatic events (sexual abuse), childhood experiences (overly rigid parenting, unbalanced religious teaching), and sometimes there is no known cause
• When I saw a doctor about it, he immediately asked if I had been sexually abused (no). Upon researching it, I found a study that showed that only 22% of their respondents had vaginismus in response to sexual abuse

Source: www.vaginismus.com

Vaginismus is both psychological and physical. Essentially, it a psychological issue that manifests itself physically. The mind, either consciously or subconsciously tells the body that nothing should enter that area, therefore the muscles contract or enter defense mode. Some have it right from the beginning, others develop it later in life… For example, if you are able to have healthy, functional sexual relationships, but then are raped, you can develop vaginismus. Some women develop it after giving birth.

For me, I remember back when I was about 13 or 14, and I tried to use a tampon. When I finally got the stupid thing in, it was so incredibly painful that I immediately took it out and never tried again. It’s safe to say that I’ve pretty much always had it. 

Why is this Happening to Me?

I do think that my lack of sexual education, aside from what the public school system had to offer (which wasn’t much) is a large reason for my vaginismus. Plus, I think that I suffered from “good girl syndrome”, aka, “I’m too good and chaste to do something so dirty.”

So let me tell you right now. If you’re young, unmarried, a virgin, and think you might have a bit of the good girl syndrome, fix it before it becomes a real problem. Get yourself used to the idea of sex. It’s normal, healthy, and yes, completely natural and created by God.

Do I blame waiting until marriage? Not at all.

Waiting until marriage is something that I still 100% believe in. But the attitudes that surrounded my sex education implicitly taught me that it was unnatural and wrong—even within marriage. It is my belief that more open and honest discussion could help many young women in seeing that there is nothing to fear (Side note—I’m not trying to sell you on the idea of waiting until marriage. I’m assuming you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions).

Breaking the Cycle of Fear and Pain

If you’re a parent and you think it’s the State’s job to educate your child about sex—I encourage you to reconsider the role you play in your child’s upbringing.  What kind of environment do you want to create for your child? I’m a teacher, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from teaching, it’s that your attitude sets the tone for the students’ attitudes. Because they look up to you.

Similarly, as a parent, your child looks up to you. If you talk to them about sex, in a progressively age-appropriate manner, they will learn that it is a good thing, it’s okay to talk about, and it’s natural. I know, I know, it’s awkward. But consider this—maybe it’s only awkward because you’ve made it so.

If you’re a woman and think you’re suffering from vaginismus: please go to the doctor. I understand it’s hard to talk about. I went to a gynecologist—and a male one at that—but he helped me to understand the root of the problem. Also, know that vaginismus is extremely curable. There’s a very high success rate. You can use dilators to get used to the feeling of being “filled up” (ha ha…I don’t have a joke to make light of that so I just put ha ha). As someone who may or may not be able to use a tampon, using dilators comes across as a very daunting task. But you can do it—and it’s worth it.

I’m currently using dilators to try and overcome it. Once you start using them, you will see progress. Where I used to dread using them (and put it off until the last minute), I now don’t mind it and recognize it as an essential part of my day. Yes—every day. If you want to get good at riding your bike, you need to practice every day. Many websites also recommend seeing a sex therapist. Unfortunately, this is a luxury that we just can’t afford. I have, however, ordered a DVD and book about overcoming the issue.

Vaginismus Treatment Kit  - www.vaginismus.com

Moral of the story: don’t make sex such an off-limits topic of discussion. At least from a clinical and/or practical standpoint (I made that distinction clear, right?). If you have questions about vaginismus or related things, I’d be happy to answer them. 

And while I’m being so honest—this is the most honest I’ve probably ever been, here are some more confessions: I have no self-control when presented with junk food, I love One Direction, and sometimes wait until my toe nails are unreasonably long to cut them. I’m sorry. 

~Jess

Seth's Two Cents

Hello Steemit, Seth here. I just have a few thoughts I'd like to add based on some of my own research and experience with this subject. 

First of all, our culture's ignorance about vaginismus causes a lot of pain and confusion. Part of the reason why Jess wanted to write this article was to raise awareness. She and I had never even heard the term "vaginismus" until it had become part of our lives. 

From what I've read online, many people have had a similar experience. The total lack of knowledge leads to all sorts of shame, self-doubt and confusion: "what's wrong with me that I can't even sleep with my spouse?" "Am I broken?" "Is this whole sex thing just a myth?" That last question is sort of a joke... I never asked that honestly, but it does start to feel like that. When something so natural feels so impossible you almost wonder if it's real or just an elaborate fiction that the rest of the world is in on. 

Second, there's a surprising amount of ignorance even within the medical community. This can be far more damaging than the layman's lack of knowledge. I've read stories online from women who have gone from doctor to doctor who seem to know nothing about vaginismus. Some of them don't even know the word. They'll give false diagnoses like, "It's your anatomy. You're just small down there." —(from the comments section of the linked page)

Even among those doctors who do know the word, some will give incorrect or unhelpful information like, "you aren't ready for sex," "you're just feeling guilty" or worst of all "it probably won't be as tight after you've had kids." 

Sometimes they even give harmful advice like, "just have a glass of wine to help you relax." Alcohol on its own will not relax the pelvic floor muscles enough (we've learned this from experience and the research backs it up) nor will it solve any underlying psychological problems. In fact, it may end up creating more psychological issues like a dependence on substances in order to have sex. 

Third, I would like to leave you with two of the best online resources I've found.

• Vaginismus.com
• The vaginismus sub-Reddit

Thank you so much for reading. Jess and I really hope that this article can help even one person who's feeling the shame and confusion that often accompanies this condition. The more people know about Vaginismus, the more they will be willing to go out and seek help, and the more doctors there will be who are empowered with the correct information. 

~Seth