Why Decent People Act Like Assholes on the Internet and Why Couples Often Fight
Why Do Decent People Act Like Assholes Online
If you've been around the internet for any length of time and have managed to actually make friends there, you may have met them in person. And if you have, you may have noticed that someone who is extremely confrontational and even unpleasant with a lot of people online can be a perfect gentleman or lady in person.
Ever wondered why this is?
The reason is that online communicating, for all the benefits that it has brought us, is not something that we were "designed" to do as a species. I don't think people were literally designed by anyone or anything, but you know what I mean.
As we evolved to what we are today, our communication with one another relied heavily on our ability to do non-verbal communicating.
When we are talking with someone online more often than not all we have and see is text. We don't see the person react to what we're saying and we don't get to see their body language when they're conveying themselves to us.
This takes away a massive amount of what makes our communication functionable in the first place.
Face to face, I'm discouraged to say mean things to you since your facial expressions and body language will immediately tell me that you're hurt from my words. And because the average person has the ability to empathize, and it's empathy that works as a natural disincentive to acting like a jerk.
Text also often fails to successfully convey tones of sarcasm, being jokey, and so on.
Negative online behavior - just like most problems we ever face as a species today - is a result of our cultural evolution being faster than our biological evolution; our brains simply have not had the time to catch up with the fast changes in our surroundings ever since the industrial revolution.
An online environment is not "natural" for us, and non-verbal communication is just as important a factor of our communication as the words we use - I might even argue that it's an even more important factor, since words can easily be used for lying, but body language is a lot more honest. One can learn to use body language in a deceiving way, as well, of course, but it takes a lot more practice than just saying things that are false.
My Theory on a Lot of Fights Between Couples
Speaking of non-verbal communication, women are generally more well versed in the art of non-verbal communication. Or, if not more well versed, then at least more used to it. Women use it more and also look for it more than men.
Men are more used to direct communication. Saying things the way they are, saying what they mean and meaning what they say. They don't look for non-verbal clues as much as women do.
The conflicts arise when the behavior called "self projection" comes into play. Self projection is something we all do, to varying degrees: we tend to subconsciously attribute others with our own views, feelings, and attitudes, et cetera, assuming that other people feel the same way as we do about the world.
Since men and women communicate differently, this leads to problems.
When something is bothering the woman, she's used to her girlfriends being able to read her non-verbal clues and understand what is going on, so naturally she feels that her man should be able to do the same. At the same time, the man is used to talking directly about whatever is bothering him with his guyfriends, so it never occurs to him that something might be bothering his lady, since she's not bringing it up.
The woman feels abandoned because the man is not coming to her rescue despite her obvious woes, and the man gets annoyed because she never talks to him about anything.
And as this brews for long enough, it leads to a conflict.
I've noticed that a lot of fights between couples happen as a result of this. Sadly, very few couples are interested in getting to know themselves and their partners well enough to understand what makes them tick, so that problems like these could be avoided.
Just thought I'd share these few thoughts. Cheers.
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Deindividuation.
That's a new thing for me. Thanks a lot, started Googling about it! :)
Totally had my guess wrong , thought this was geared towards the individual , anyway its a interesting topic but a bit too long to look into for me right now .
Conveying tones is a big one, because when you read something someone sent you, you have to assume that whatever tone of voice you project onto what you're reading is the correct one, and this can cause all kinds of messes.
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Very good points. I'm wondering if technology will allow some means of conveying non-verbal elements of communication online in a more effective manner than emoji and the like.
Hah, maybe in the future we pick one from a set of moods, and the color of our text will change accordingly for every comment.
That's actually not a bad idea - like a Phillips Ambilight that expresses your mood:)
Here is another place feminism has destroyed women.
No, really.
The logic goes like this. Since women are much better at communication and emotional communication, then men are just broken women.
Not that men and women are different. That women have it all, and men are broken. And so, the women is programmed to believe that men should read her mind, and the result is that she will forever be miserable.
Sadly, what has happened is that women, who think they are so good at communicating, are increasingly poor at communicating. So poor that when a man tries to explain a complex thing to a woman, women will generally check out, and or, says he's man-splaining. She does not learn to communicate with men. She feels he needs to come all the way to her side. And no place is this more apparent than dating. Women have become so bad that many men have just given up.
Now, I would like to point out the masters of non-verbal communications, MEN.
Give a man a blue-print and he has been accurately given all he needs to know to construct an item. An idea has correctly and accurately been transmitted from one mind to another, and no words have been used. Women don't have anything like this in their brain make-up. 90% of women can't even read a blue-print, except its a pretty blue color.
So, I would like to lay to rest this stupid idea of equality. Each person has a set of skills, and none the two are alike. To try to make people "equal" is to ignore their talents. And it leads to stupid outcomes like, men are broken women.
It's interesting, though, that it's almost reverse in the case of non-white people.
Allow me to explain.
Progressives often want to model non-white people after white people. They say that they are against racism and want to celebrate diversity, but at the same time the white person is their sort of "standard human", and if non-white people are doing something different than the "standard human", then society is being riddled with racism and something has to be done. Quotas, affirmative action, etc.
They don't let non-white people just be themselves and truly celebrate the diversity among groups.
It's completely illogical.
Have to agree with both of your points it really show how some views of society are skewed , I for one can't imagine how people would buy all that crap , as if they were just born yesterday and have no rhyme or reason to think for themselves , rather they go and dig up other people's broken views and try to live by them , makes no reasonable sense , other than the emotional benefit of the group and the self-satisfaction resulting from you "dominance", it's completely ridiculous men and women are equal and they should understand each other , we are a family , we can grow only one part and shun the other , it's damaging to both sides and it's ungrounded in anything real.
Feminism is fiction , most beliefs are fiction too , people should learn to understand rather than just take things at face value. We need much more social interaction between the sexes , before we become computer gender. And don't let me go into transesxuals here, that is a completely broken to pieces "philosophy" of "I'm no sure" taken to the extreme.
Good points made
Thank you, @ianstrat.
In discussions it is often just one word in the wrong position what brings up the anger. I had a fight with a lady not a long time before chrismas in Facebook. I wrote about an stupid aphorism of Schopenhauer and used the word „also“. Suddely the lady started a fight with me but gladly I don't get into. I was joking and she was more angry against me. She didn't stop to blame me, called me arrogant and so on. Then I thought, I have to detemine my posting before she started to fight. And there this „also“ occured. It has been in the position, where I've ment to write „Shopenhauer is also in an infinte loop“. But she has read the „also“ in reference to herself. Just one word! It was an ambiguously expression what started that fight. I asked her if it was this expression what made her enraged. She was very surprised and said yes. So I explained that she understood my posting quite wrong. After this all has been okay. Just one word started a war and I was gladly not in the mood to fight.
It is very important to phrase distincly while blogging. Your whole bloggers life depends on distinctly phrasing.
Oh yes, definitely. The written word is so easy to misinterpret. It's because you're missing the facial expressions and the tone used.
Are you a professor?
I think it is a really good writing.
Through your writings, I thought I would have to change the way I talked to my wife.
Thank you
Upvote and follow~ ^^
Great post ,I'm giving you a follow , Upped ,Thank you for the nice conversation too had fun reading through the comments , You did Great
@afrog that's the way to stay centered and resolve a conflict @liberosist i will look into that although judging from the name i subscribe to that philosophy
@builderofcastles why did you have to go into that :D
Check my 4th post, more life and living questions
https://steemit.com/life/@j3dy/water-and-light-d4-challenge30-play-2