I am one of thousands of people affected by @quinneaker's visionary community the @gardenofeden. As we clean and organize in preparation for a big move towards Eden 2.0, it's time to let go of my own incredible history here:
Part 8 👇🏽
After The Fight, I had to face that I alone was manifesting my reality and making myself sick and unhappy. I had to accept responsibility and choose a better way, or remain doomed to repeating unconscious traumas forevermore.
But how do we understand something that plays out subconsciously? Something that is programmed so far into the mind's recesses that we don't even see its existence?
"The first step is awareness, then acceptance, then responsibility," @quinneaker told me. "It takes diligent practice.
"These "problems" and altercations are really a blessing, because most of the time they swim way down deep in the subconscious parts of your mind like a sea monster. Only when the water is turbulent and disturbed do they poke their head above the surface, into your consciousness, into the light for examination," Quinn told me.
I took advantage of my troubled waters and the light of awareness the @gardenofeden community shined upon me. Quinn especially pointed out dysfunctional behavior and thought patterns that I didn't even notice within myself because they seemed so natural.
I did a great deal of examination, reflecting, meditating, and writing to explore myself deeply. I wanted to conquer this abuse/victim game, to advance, upgrade, evolve.
Today I present a piece I wrote way back when, as I came to grips with my responsibility for that terribly dysfunctional relationship:
This dude is my adversary, and the struggle is real.
Time and again, The Adversary shows up to compete with me in conflict.
Time and again, I engage with him on that level.
Time and again, hatred leads to more hatred and violence leads to more violence.
Our battles are savage, thousands upon thousands of precious broken hearts and so. much. blood.
...the carnage too great for my spirit sometimes.
Primal defense mechanisms activated, I attack perceived attack.
Motivated by pain, I am vicious.
More powerful than the Incredible Hulk, I am Kali unleashed.
Blinded by rage, I lash out and destroy...and my actions cause more suffering and unspeakable pain.
I perpetuate samsara--
and perpetuate samsara and perpetuate samsara and holy shit it's a trap it's a trap it's a trap!!
I can't do this anymore; I’m so tired.
I'm a grown-ass lady, and this Spy vs. Spy game
of complete annihilation takes too much energy to maintain.
So how do I change the game?...
...maybe I've been looking at him from a wonky angle…
While he may challenge me on the physical/mental/emotional plane--and I may take the bait again and again--
maybe he’s here to make me a spiritual ninja…
Maybe I can stop blaming him for being a shit and instead thank him for honing me as a weapon of love…
Maybe I can acknowledge the deep and nasty and scary pain he stirs up in me and get myself a healing instead of a fight…
Maybe my healing can bring healing to him too and amend the damage I've inflicted...
Maybe if I don’t size up to him in a warrior stance, then there will be no battle.
I have to admit that I was in dishonor acknowledging this formidable Foe, so attached to his form was I!
It doesn't matter if he's an asshole, or that he “deserves” it--my honor is independent of his. I demonstrate MY values through each choice. Each action demonstrates MY character.
And motherfuck me if I didn't JUST swear to
This is invincibility practice.
This is master training.
This is how to love the enemy.
To hurt him is to hurt me.
Like reaching the last level of Mike Tyson's Punch Out, I'm grateful to FINALLY be able to rise to my heights for the challenge.
May every casualty we've inflicted inspire lasting peace.
I’m so grateful we didn’t kill each other, dear one; I bow to you.
Do you want to know why I live at the @gardenofeden?
Join me in the next post, and we'll share forgiveness and real love.