I am one of thousands of people affected by @quinneaker's visionary community the @gardenofeden. As we clean and organize in preparation for a big move towards Eden 2.0, it's time to let go of my own incredible history here:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4 👇🏽

"WTF am I doing with my life??"

It is September 14, 2015, my birthday. Almost one year since I came to the @gardenofeden.

I am lying in the dirt, bleeding, shaking, trying to stand but I can't remember how to get to my feet. Do I still have feet?

@quinneaker has one hand on my chest, calming my racing heart and encouraging me to stay down.

"Listen, you lost - and you lost bad. You need to face that," Quinn is saying this and other things to me, but my ears are ringing, blood pounding through me, and I can't hear much above the adrenaline anyway. Maybe he's telling me what he just witnessed, how he had to step in to save me.

The Fight.

We had been in the kitchen, finally back at the @gardenofeden after the worst birthday I had ever had. I was an emotional wreck after my ex-fiancé terrorized me all day, and with witnesses I felt safe enough to express it.

I was livid, but instead of telling the others what had transpired between us, I challenged him.

"You're so fucking tough to hit me when no one's watching? Fucking do it now!" I thought I said to him, but who knows what I really ranted. "Let's fucking go!" I'm certain I screamed at him.

I don't know what my ex said to me, because Quinn's reaction was so intense it caught my attention. I have never seen his eyes so wide with his mouth stretched so tightly, his face a complete OMG.

"Are you sure you want to do this??" he and @everlove both tried to de-escalate the situation.

"Fuck yes, fuck him!!!" I yelled. I wanted to describe, in detail, every terrible thing, every fear and scream and pain from that day and many other days, but I was lost in rage. Blinded by it, I wanted to hurt him as bad or worse than he hurt me.

"We have some boxing gloves if you guys want to put them on..." someone suggested.

"We don't need fucking gloves!" I yelled. "He's such a badass, we can just fucking go!"

I challenged this grown ass man to a bare knuckle fight, and my literal strategy was that he would stop himself, that he would not actually hit me with others watching.

It was a terrible strategy.

He came at me full force as soon as we got outside.

We grappled and swung punches, I think I maybe connected on something at least once.

The first time my adversary took me down in a chokehold, and I instinctively tapped out when my vision went black.

He let go, but I wasn't done.

"I'm not done," I said, rising to my feet and lunging for him.

Once more we went to the ground, and I fought to stay out of a chokehold.

Only this time he mounted me, his whole weight pinning me down, while he landed blow after blow after blow on my skull, so fast I couldn't even get my hands up - was he pinning my arms?

It ended with Quinn pulling him off, a split second after a devastating hook to my temple. Instead of black, this time I saw blinding light. Immediately I was disoriented, incapacitated, and the second most terrified I had been in my entire life. I thought for a moment I was dead, then paralyzed.

Bleeding in the dirt, still trying to get up, Quinn kneeling over me, @everlove crying somewhere on the deck, and my ex-fiancé adversary who the fuck cares where, I had to question my choices and my very existence.

^{Morning after...In truth I feel great shame and inner conflict to publish this - I've never shown anyone this photo. But it seems important so I pray it helps someone else.}

WTF had led to this...

Do you want to know why I live at the @gardenofeden?

Join me in the next post, because this real love story is about to get real good.

Part 5
















✨✨ Sara!