Why do we get married? The perspective of an ex wedding cameraman

Yesterday I was one of the three groomsmen at the wedding of my oldest friend and despite feeling quite hung over today I am determined to write this article because it has brought back to the surface many unanswered questions in my mind.

Why do we get married?

It seems to me that most people get married because thats what everyone else does.

I wonder if they would think of getting married if it wasn't what everyone else did?

Tradition is massive part of it, followed blindly without question.

Expectation is also huge.

Mothers usually play a more prominent role in creating expectation than fathers, because let's face it, the majority of men are not all that bothered about the idea of getting married, but they know what they must do... so they just knuckle down and get on with it.

Even Hollywood plays its part in feeding us a kind of idealistic benchmark for romance and marriage. And this kind of culture conditioning starts as early on as childhood, with Princes and Princesses getting married in the most glorious of settings in our bedtime books.

What did I see during my wedding cameraman years?

As a filmmaker, I was invited to film many weddings during my UK residency and very often proposed the idea myself as my wedding gift to them.

But what I saw during these hundreds of weddings was a whole bunch of people doing what they thought they were supposed to do. And frankly, they didn't do it very convincingly.

Most of them appeared to be tired after weeks of intensive organising, stressed about the details, desperate for everyone to have a good time. Many were overly concerned about the way they looked throughout the day and did not appear to be having a good time. This is why there is lots of alcohol at weddings. Helps get people to a level where the details no longer matter.

As the cameraman, present from the beginning of the day to the end, I saw many things which did not make the final edit because they did not give the create the right illusion, as desired by the bride and groom.

Clearly, love cannot be measured by the quantity of money one spends to express it, yet that appears to be what is going on at a wedding. It is a declaration of love and the more you spend, the more 'romantic' and memorable your day will be.

Here you can see where my friends' ceremony took place on a custom built platform over the pool. Very romantic indeed.

The sunset would have been the only part of the day that did not have a price tag attached to it!

Lucky for them it was a good one :)

Some history on Marriage

Even though marriage does have ancient roots, it wasn't until recently that love had anything to do with it.

And the people getting married rarely had any say in the decision!

"What early marriage had in common was that it really was not about the relationship between the man and the woman...It was a way of getting in-laws, of making alliances and expanding the family labor force."

--- Stephanie Coontz, the author of "Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage," (Penguin Books, 2006)

Monogamy?

It wasn't until somewhere between the 6th & 9th century that monogamy became the guiding principle for western marriage.

There was an ongoing battle between the Catholic Church and the old nobility and kings who wanted to be able to take second wives. Eventually the Catholic Church won this battle and were able to establish monogamy as the norm.

Monogamy lite!

Even then monogamy was very different from today's perception of this word. Right up until the 19th century men of status would engage in extramarital affairs. But any children resulting from these affairs would be illegitimate, with no claim to the man's inheritance.

And what about love?

It was only about 250 years ago that the notion of love matches gained any kind of traction.

Mutual attraction in marriage wasn't important until about a century ago.

In fact, in Victorian England, many men held the perception that women didn't have strong sexual urges at all.

Clearly our perceptions are constantly evolving!

We have moved from...

• a long period in which there was no marriage and polygamy ruled the day!

• to a long period in which marriage was all about the acquisition of wealth and status

• to a period when it was a little bit about love but mostly about acquisition, and okay to have a mistresses

• to a period in which marriage is seen as an expression of love and dedication to each other, witnessed by God himself!

Today polygamy has been replaced by strictly enforced monogamous relationships made legal by the state through marriage.

So, who knows where this is going to lead us next...

We can at least be sure that it will change, because nothing lasts forever my friends.

And my only advice to you if you are not already 'hitched' would be to find your own way and let go of what is required of you.

I would like to credit pixabay for the frogs in the title image.