RE: Honesty in Pain: My First and Only Journal Entry
I was wiped last night so I didn't have a chance to read until now, but our conversation previously made me confident in voting this first and then reading now at 4 am when I'm up for work. Okay, that's out of the way...
Wow, I think it's great that you didn't alter anything but stuck with the raw journal entry from that time. you were a thoughtful person at that age, and even understood your own ego and shortcomings when you described the asses and slutty people and then noted you probably envied them some.
that dropping feeling you spoke about, I don't know if everyone had that or if its reserved for certain types of people like us, because that was my entire experience through childhood. I was forced very early to learn what this world could be about and found high school frustrating in its immaturity, even more so in its lack of appreciation for how nothing we truly are in the grand scale.
This was a great post to learn more about you, again welcome to the community.
I've got to ask: between then and now, how would you rate the difference in your perspective? And how do you feel about the idea that hope springs from the differentials between who we were, what we are now, and the ever receeding vision of who we want to be?
Thanks for the up-vote of confidence! I'm flattered you took the time before work so early in the morning.
I am so glad we met so early on in my time on steemit. I could tell right away that we had similar thinking patterns. As you said, this is confirmed once again by the fact that you had similar experiences. I think in order to have these realizations, something inside needs to break... Something inside needs to force yourself out of your body, out of society's norms, and into a deeper level of consciousness.
And I absolutely LOVE your question! Definitely don't hesitate to ask me anything. Thinking about my response forced me to learn more about myself... When I was younger, I would sit with friends, and rant about the pointlessness of life and all of our relationships. We are all going to leave one another and everything you build with another person, will eventually fall apart. I loved other people, but my compassion was not grounded. In my mind, each relationship (friend or otherwise) was doomed. I might as well cherish those people and the relationships I have formed, but there was no point. The individual may die soon, but before that their caring about me will die...
Now I am able to treasure my relationships and care for other people without obsessing over how long these exist. I feel what I feel for myself and always push to make those feelings my own, regardless of outside influences... Let me know if that does not answer your question...
As for your second question... this required a lot of thought for me to answer. I do not think hope really plays a major role in my life. Without looking at the definitions, I want this to be about how I feel about each word, I think hope to me is just wishing or praying. I have absolutely changed from who I was, am a new person now, and am confident I will be a new person in the future... but I don't see that as hope. Throughout my life, I have been more all in or all out. (I do not mean this is the right or best way, it is simply what has served me). During the darkest times in my life, I gave up. I had no hope for the future, because I did not want there to be a future. I was done. Eventually, I was able to decide "I do want a life. I do want to be happy... and I need to work to do that." Even now, I am constantly working on myself every day, even getting on steemit was a big jump toward my own growth... but I do not spend time thinking or hoping about who I want to be. I do not know who I will turn out to be, but I know I want to improve. And I will. I do things every day to challenge myself and grow. Posting on steemit is now a part of that growth.
A quote that I'm pretty sure is from Taylor Swift that I think summarizes my feeling pretty well...
A radio host asked Taylor in mid December if she has any New Years' Resolutions. She responded saying something like "I don't like New Years Resolutions. If I decide I want to change something about myself, I act on it. Why would I wait until the end of the year to try and change? That is setting yourself up for failure."
To me, hoping is the same thing as wishing. A wish may be granted on its own... but only by immediate, planned action (or luck) are these dreams usually made a reality.
I know that was a lot and again, that is the ideology that best serves me. I am very interested in hearing what serves you and guides your hopes and desires. I am most likely going to include this in my post for today if you want to answer on there. I would love to get a discussion going because I am sure others will disagree with me and that is awesome.