Honesty in Pain: My First and Only Journal Entry
14 February, 2009
My friend Chelsea on the left, myself rocking bleached hair for the swim team on the right
About to leave for Turnabout with Sarah as my date
11 days after the original entry...
HELLO Friends!
I'm so lucky to have spoken with so many of you already, I am now even more confident that I am in the right place. I am very excited to continue to grow with this community and connect with all of you on a deeper level. In my intro - https://steemit.com/introduceyourself/@anthonyjerrigo/hi-steemers-my-name-is-anthony-there-is-so-much-we-have-to-talk-about - I mentioned I would like this site and its community to act as a journal. I want to be more honest with others and more vulnerable to the people I care about. Immediately I thought of the only journal entry I have ever written. I was just starting to really recognize my place in the world... I hope it speaks to you. I wrote it at 16 and am not going to change a word as I transfer it to all of you. If you would like clarification on anything or want to hear more about any of these experiences, I am happy to share more details. I think the thing that impacted me the most is when I "dropped" back into my body... It gave me a deep, terrifying sense of eternity... Enjoy
Anthony
(and yes I really titled it Life...)
BEGIN DOCUMENT WRITTEN SEVEN YEARS AGO...
Life
February 3, 2009
What really sucks, is realizing you’re not special. Ever since I was young I’ve expected I’d have a wealthy and successful life because of the hardships I’d been put through, and because I saw myself as a “nice” guy. Well, I’ve wanted to get into Freshman Mentor Program for about the last year now and, I don’t know, for some reason I just expected I’d get in, even the possibility of the Loss of Privileges holding me back was not an option, but I was denied and I feel like shit. (Jeez I get off topic) I accepted just this past summer that I probably wouldn’t be rich, but I was fine with that because I figured I’d be doing a job I like, marine biology, but for some reason I still figured I’d be special. This FMP thing…. It really hit me to the point where, well, to where I wanted to write (I feel so weak). It’s made me realize that I’m probably going to live just an average life, maybe a little more intelligent and thoughtful, but still below my (haha) high “standards”. Other than this giant feeling of sadness, today was uneventful. Physics quiz, Chinese was just annoying as usual. Lunch was kind of upsetting, I got all my stuff stolen and passed around as usual, but it was numerous times, and then my Macbeth book disappears after English when I Alex steals my backpack. Those combined with the fact that those assholes got picked for FMP over me, really upsets me, it depresses the hell out of me. Pre-calc test, Spanish waste of time as usual, English talked about Macbeth, and lifeguard training, total bull shit. I’m wasting my time here and… I’m very arrogant and see myself as better than a lot of the people at Stevenson, those who aren’t sluts are dishonest and those who aren’t dishonest are assholes, but what’s really disturbing, is that I’m the same way, haha I’d probably love to have a slut, or be one- I do flirt a lot, I’m dishonest, and I can be an asshole. So what gives me the right to think I’m better? I don’t know, maybe it’s because of what I’ve been through that I deserve a break, or something more, I’m not really sure, I feel very confused right now. A thought I’m having is that high school doesn’t corrupt you, it prepares you, this dishonesty and assholeishness, I think is a necessity, not something were picking up. That’s something that really is just disappointing about society. The only thing that I was actually happy with today was Sarah saying you need to stop by the class board thing, just made me happy she notices me as much as I notice her. (wow Anthony wow) Another thought I had during English today, we were discussing Macbeth and a porter considering being at the gates of hell, and I started thinking about when I die. I got into this kind of angelic dream where I was kind of all knowing and I knew my past lives and I knew that when I died I would get a new life or I could have everlasting peace, but then I “dropped” back into my body and felt as if I had just fallen because I was left with a feeling of emptiness. My thoughts were, wait I really don’t know why I’m here or what’s going to happen to me, do I have a purpose, does anyone, well die and move on to the spirit world, or we may take up another life, or we may just stop and lose all existence, but that is soon considering the length of the universe, and that is very long, and I felt so very small and lonely at the time, it really disturbed the shit out of me. I’m hoping that once I get a girl friend who I can share all this with it’ll help, but maybe it won’t, I really hope it does. If I fail with Sarah, well that won’t be good for my psyche.
February 4, 2009
Don’t really have time to write. Got in a big fight with Paul about Stacey now he’s all mad at Alex, Patrick, Johnny, Andrew, and I. I think I screwed up by saying Sarah has a bf. She doesn’t seem very affected by it. That’s really it. Not sure what I’m going to be doing with this thing.
That is deep, man. I remember having similar thoughts in highschool. You do what you can to survive or at least it feels that way at 16.
Thank you so much.
It was difficult for me to put out this there publicly... It means a lot that you understand and connected with what younger me wrote. Its a big boost in my ability to trust others that I shared something so personal and was understood and accepted for it, even just by you
I was wiped last night so I didn't have a chance to read until now, but our conversation previously made me confident in voting this first and then reading now at 4 am when I'm up for work. Okay, that's out of the way...
Wow, I think it's great that you didn't alter anything but stuck with the raw journal entry from that time. you were a thoughtful person at that age, and even understood your own ego and shortcomings when you described the asses and slutty people and then noted you probably envied them some.
that dropping feeling you spoke about, I don't know if everyone had that or if its reserved for certain types of people like us, because that was my entire experience through childhood. I was forced very early to learn what this world could be about and found high school frustrating in its immaturity, even more so in its lack of appreciation for how nothing we truly are in the grand scale.
This was a great post to learn more about you, again welcome to the community.
I've got to ask: between then and now, how would you rate the difference in your perspective? And how do you feel about the idea that hope springs from the differentials between who we were, what we are now, and the ever receeding vision of who we want to be?
Thanks for the up-vote of confidence! I'm flattered you took the time before work so early in the morning.
I am so glad we met so early on in my time on steemit. I could tell right away that we had similar thinking patterns. As you said, this is confirmed once again by the fact that you had similar experiences. I think in order to have these realizations, something inside needs to break... Something inside needs to force yourself out of your body, out of society's norms, and into a deeper level of consciousness.
And I absolutely LOVE your question! Definitely don't hesitate to ask me anything. Thinking about my response forced me to learn more about myself... When I was younger, I would sit with friends, and rant about the pointlessness of life and all of our relationships. We are all going to leave one another and everything you build with another person, will eventually fall apart. I loved other people, but my compassion was not grounded. In my mind, each relationship (friend or otherwise) was doomed. I might as well cherish those people and the relationships I have formed, but there was no point. The individual may die soon, but before that their caring about me will die...
Now I am able to treasure my relationships and care for other people without obsessing over how long these exist. I feel what I feel for myself and always push to make those feelings my own, regardless of outside influences... Let me know if that does not answer your question...
As for your second question... this required a lot of thought for me to answer. I do not think hope really plays a major role in my life. Without looking at the definitions, I want this to be about how I feel about each word, I think hope to me is just wishing or praying. I have absolutely changed from who I was, am a new person now, and am confident I will be a new person in the future... but I don't see that as hope. Throughout my life, I have been more all in or all out. (I do not mean this is the right or best way, it is simply what has served me). During the darkest times in my life, I gave up. I had no hope for the future, because I did not want there to be a future. I was done. Eventually, I was able to decide "I do want a life. I do want to be happy... and I need to work to do that." Even now, I am constantly working on myself every day, even getting on steemit was a big jump toward my own growth... but I do not spend time thinking or hoping about who I want to be. I do not know who I will turn out to be, but I know I want to improve. And I will. I do things every day to challenge myself and grow. Posting on steemit is now a part of that growth.
A quote that I'm pretty sure is from Taylor Swift that I think summarizes my feeling pretty well...
A radio host asked Taylor in mid December if she has any New Years' Resolutions. She responded saying something like "I don't like New Years Resolutions. If I decide I want to change something about myself, I act on it. Why would I wait until the end of the year to try and change? That is setting yourself up for failure."
To me, hoping is the same thing as wishing. A wish may be granted on its own... but only by immediate, planned action (or luck) are these dreams usually made a reality.
I know that was a lot and again, that is the ideology that best serves me. I am very interested in hearing what serves you and guides your hopes and desires. I am most likely going to include this in my post for today if you want to answer on there. I would love to get a discussion going because I am sure others will disagree with me and that is awesome.