How to Find Your Perfect Match - Part 2: Sorting Through the Crazy

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A couple weeks ago, I wrote a piece about How to Find Your Perfect Match and the feedback from that was fantastic. One question that came up was about sorting out the candidates that present themselves. When you start attracting them, how do you efficiently and effectively screen them? How long should you date someone before making up your mind about them?

Just Once

Malcom Gladwell's book, Blink, does a very thorough job of explaining all of this but to summarize, you only ever need a single date involving a quality conversation with someone to learn all you need to know. First of all, it's important to get clear about what you want and commit to not compromising your standards. If you pay close attention and refuse to let red flags get a pass, it'll be very easy for candidates to disqualify themselves on your first date. If your time really is valuable, you should avoid wasting it so the goal here is to knock substandard candidates out of the game as efficiently as possible without being a dick about it. All it takes is a single quality conversation, if you're really paying attention, to spot the critical red flags.

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So what? I should whip out a score card and calculator?

With a little practice, you'll get used to the walking in the happy medium between between clear-headed rationality and emotional playfulness. Just think of it as thoughtfully friendly. You need to keep the mood light enough to allow for the tough questions you'll be slipping in. You can playfully explain very early in the conversation that you hate small talk and love nothing more than sharing and getting to know people for real. Ask them if they know what you mean in such a way as to lead them to agree and accept your otherwise awkward line of inquiry. The key is to stay invitingly friendly and avoid being accusatory or judging in your approach. Yes, you'll be doing a whole lot of judging but you'll want to keep it to yourself. Odds are, they'll be judging you just as much anyway. You want to keep the discussion flowing without it feeling like an interrogation so I've found it useful to get the ball rolling with personal anecdotes and confessions so that things don't feel too one-sided. Nobody likes going out on a limb alone so be sure to offer up plenty of personal information yourself to demonstrate vulnerability and establish some trust.

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Okay, so what do you ask about?

You'll want to balance out your heavier questions with some fluff about art, pop-culture, and whatnot but I'll assume you already have that stuff nailed down. Most importantly, you'll want to ask about their childhood. This can be a sensitive subject for many so I find it best to start by offering up my own story first. Keep it brief but highlight any key challenges and/or trauma you experienced as well as how you learned from and overcame them. Did they have a good home environment growing up? Were they abused? If so, have they held the perpetrators accountable and sought assistance in healing? Have they taken personal responsibility for their lives or do they credit their circumstances on external forces beyond their control? Are they committed to self-improvement? Do they share your values? Are they principled and logically consistent? You'll likely have your own checklist to go through but the important thing is to not ignore anything. Take mental notes and pay special attention to the red flags as they present themselves. You're looking for indicators that'll establish whether they have their shit together or are still a fixer-upper. If they're the latter, then they need a therapist more than a mate and you don't want to get lured into that role. Trust me. Good relationships are composed of two whole people, not projects looking for someone else to complete them.

A bonus feature to this approach is that they might also be using it to assess you! After all, if you're using the strategy I explained last time, you should be attracting a higher caliber of person to you now and they should be on the same sort of quest themselves. Things can flow amazingly well when the person you're looking for is looking for you too. I'd even recommend reading Blink and bringing it up in your conversation to determine how much the candidate values their own time and whether or not they're as serious as you are.

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Minding Your Thoughty Bits

If all goes well and the prospect gets through your filters, there will be plenty of time for romance afterwards. On a first date however, you've gotta focus on the task at hand. Stay cheerful and pleasant, of course, but no matter how adorable they seem, it's important to keep a clear head and not let yourself get blinded by the chemical reactions going off in your brain. Remember that our genes have a will of their own and they can often be at odds with our rational minds. They just want to reproduce, no matter what. They don't care if your mate is a stable pillar of virtue or a raving lunatic. Sometimes, half the battle is staying above our own biochemistry and impatience... but think about it. This could be the biggest investment your life. Impatience can lead you into a mess of ever-increasing complexity and hardship with vast amounts of time wasted as a result of hitching your wagon to a rotten cart. On the flip-side though, every bit of care you put into it now can compound over time and pay vast dividends along the way. If you'll put years of work into earning a degree or learning a skill, how much should you reasonably expect to put into securing a quality partner? Another thing to consider is that it's not just your life at stake. Your friends and family will all be affected and so will those of your partner. Above all of them, of course, are your potential children to consider. After all, you're choosing their other parent. For their sake, if not for your own, make it a good one.