Thank you for this thoughtful post. It reminds me of the basic tenants of my teacher, Jeffrey Wolf Green who speaks of the dual desires of the the Soul: one to separate from source and the other to return to source. Each soul incarnation is an enactment of this didactic dance between the dual desires of each unique Soul. And until each soul exhaustes all of its numerous separating desires, it cannot fully return to source. This is where we are as a species; exhausting our own unique separate desires.
We are at the end of of a cycle, the Kali Yuga. We are moving to age of Pluto (the Soul) into Aquarius. The new paradigm is taking form and the period just before birth is never easy.
Thank you for your heartfelt sharing and bringing forward those questions we all can resonate with at whatever level we are.