Candles and Time

Somehow, i feel like i was meant to write this to you. Somehow i cannot resist the tears fighting to free themselves from my eyes, i don’t know where to look, I’m looking now at the upper-leftmost side of my bedroom roof.

I’m slowly becoming unable to do this, why should i keep doing this? I don’t even know what led me to start it. And, you know, as I’m still fighting the army of tears trying to get the best of me, I’m listening to Interstellar by Hans Zimmer, after resisting for quite sometime, for a fraction of time i felt humored by the thought, “I’m fighting these feelings, I’m resisting the tears, however, I’m listening to Hans Zimmer’s Interstellar”. Can you believe this? I’m trying so hard with my brittle bones, my aching muscle and my wicked and treacherous mind to fight this, to not scream, to not give up, to not let myself drown in this darkness that’s been following me for all my life, but while doing so, I’m listening to fucking Hans Zimmer’s Interstellar…

…

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!

…

Why it had to be this way?

Why was i given what i did not ask for?

I’m tired, friend. I’m so tired of running, i don’t even know for how long I’ve been running, i don’t even know if there was ever a time i wasn’t running. I tried to stop myself, i tried to tire myself by running until my muscles wouldn’t, but in the end, although my body stopped, here inside i was still running, running like nothing else mattered, it wasn’t even about survival anymore, i wanted to achieve something but even these achievements got left behind, what have i not left behind.

When have i lost control?

Did i want too much? Is there such a thing when it comes to men’s life?

Is there such a thing when it will decide if you’ll survive?

I tried to lie to myself, more than once, i told myself that it was all for you guys, it worked thrice but I’m still paying the price.

At some point, I’ve started seeing this darkness, and it was slowly, slowly surrounding me, the closer it got to me, i felt more scared, it was dreadful, but somehow, somehow i realized what was that darkness, it was my future.

So i started to run, i ran to change my future, i ran because i was so foolish, so pathetic, that i thought, i felt like if i had let that future happen, then yours would be tainted by it, i felt like i would become a virus to you all, and so i started to run, and in the end, it is all over me, that’s all i can see now, just pure darkness in every direction at this very moment.

Man this is so heavy, i wish this was never sent to my keyboard, but i know that it is been so long since i had made the rules.

For sometime i was able to see a light, it was so far away, so far that it hurt me everytime i looked at it, because everytime i did, i noticed the distance. If that was the best scenario, if that was the better future, if that was hope, then, i can say with certainty that it is all meaningless, that is an oasis that everyone who’s bound to die in the desert sees.

At some point i started to hate the cakes, blowing the candles was one of the worst parts about the birthday parties, man i hate birthdays, all the lights would be shut in order for the birthday’s song to be sang, all i could see was the candles, if i blow these candles, only darkness will remain.

Please don’t make me blow these candles!

But you know what’s worse? It is actually 2 things. I realized with every birthday, it was… it was time all along, that’s what i really feared, and you can’t outrun it, no matter how much i ran, those candles would always get to me, year after year. Even though after some point it wasn’t physically, but those were always getting me.

It’s playing with me, it’s the most powerful and worst predator out there.

The second thing is that, i reached the oasis, i reached that light, out of fear i seduced myself into thinking that, reaching that light would make everything alright, it did not, because i realized something, i ran, and ran, i ran so much that I’ve left you all behind and i didn’t realize this until i reached it. There’s no use.

I’ve made a cake today, I’m sure it is not as tasty as yours but, i didn’t want to buy one, i wanted in the end, to remember all of you, i wanted to see you once more before i blow these candles with the lights shut.

Man I’m getting old. I just want to stop running, sit down, and finally have a look at all of you.

Shuts the lights

Wow, it really was meaningless to run, wasn’t it?

Chuckles

And I’m still listening to Interstellar. Let it be.

I’m finally going to stop, be of me whatever you wish, I accept.

Blows the candles

Happy Birthday.

Picture source: https://pixabay.com/users/stocksnap-894430/