Depression - Caught between a strong mind and a fragile heart

-Depression

"I am losing my mind. I am losing myself. I am losing everything that I used to be. I no longer have a personality. I have NOTHING. NO SANITY. I am losing control. I don't know how things can, or will get better. How can I possibly classify as a human being? I'm trapped in a labyrinth with absolutely no escape plan. I have been thrown off the edge and I've been trying to hang on for so long, each finger slipping further as the days pass. I am nobody. I have no identity, no purpose, I am not a being, just a walking corpse.

I am trying so hard to keep my shit together. Every day is a struggle to not breakdown in tears, every small breath an angry victory.

I contemplate my own death so often that I already feel dead.

I am hopelessly failing at my relationship. I try so hard to keep him satisfied and happy, but, how can I possibly make someone else happy when I, myself am so unhappy? I can't make myself happy, how am I supposed to make the one that I love happy?
I need an epiphany. I need change. I need so much. Feeling this low and sad ALL. THE. TIME. is getting in the way of the things that I need and want. It all becomes blurry, then I realise that its 4PM and I'm still in bed.
I've fallen so deep into this insiduous behaviour, born from depression.

I am in this deep, dark hole and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Just me, alone, lost, confused Nooreen, wondering... 'How did I get here?'
Wondering, 'How is it possible that my life has been a living hell since day 1?'

I feel like I have passed the point of recovery. I let down anyone who tries to help or show that they care.

I AM A FAILURE.

I'm writing this because I want serenity, some sanity.
My mind is at war. The balanced pieces of my brain don't work together anymore, it's broken, just scattered elements, remnants of what was once whole. I am nothing and have nothing.

I AM A FAILURE."

I wrote this diary entry 2 years ago. This was after I left my family, and decided to move in with my partner at the tender age of 18. Since I was in a safe environment (away from my family, who were extremely toxic to my mental health) I had the chance to let down my guard and express my troubles and emotions freely. This was when my depression started hitting me in the face, HARD. See, that's the thing about depression. A human being can survive almost anything, as long as he/she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that its impossible to ever see the end. Losing your life isn't the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing is to lose your reason to live.
Things I didn't even know I could feel came up. There were feelings in me that don't even have a name yet. I was afraid to tell my partner how I felt, because it would destroy him. So I buried it deep inside myself where it destroyed me.
I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. Its hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind. I wasn't doing well in terms of being a functional human, you know?
And then I finally gave up, dropped the fake smile, and let the tears roll down my cheek. This was when I said to myself, "I can't do this anymore."

I take anti-depressants everyday.
I don't say this with pride, but I also don't say it with shame. Every night my thoughts weigh heavily on my soul, but every morning I get up and fight another day.
I fight everyday for my mental health, and I will use whatever weapons I need to win this battle. The thing is, mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also harder to bear. The frequent attempts to conceal mental pain increases the burden. Its easier to say, "My tooth is aching" than to say, "My soul is dying."
Who would have thought that so much went on in the soul of a young girl?
And some days I am more wolf than woman, and I am still learning how to stop apologising for my wild. I will not be ashamed of the wars that my soul has fought to save itself.

Do you know what its like to be tortured by your own mind?

()

Honestly? The middle of recovery is AWFUL.
You've gained the weight. You are no longer in the beginning, where everyone is fawning over you. Family and friends are no longer scared for you, because perhaps you don't look 'sick'. You don't look like you're on death's doorstep. Your mind, though more clear, still torments you with lies and visions of the past.
You struggle Every. Single. Day. Every day you win and you lose. And nobody tells you that ITS OKAY. That just because you're weight-restored, doesn't mean you're not allowed to CRY and SCREAM and want desperately to give up. It doesn't mean that you're not allowed to 'mess up'. BUT NOBODY WILL TELL YOU THIS.
So here I am, telling you that the middle of recovery is absolutely terrible. Its confusing. You can't measure your worth by the fact that you messed up on your road to recovery. You are not a failure at recovery. It's okay to mess up.
GOD, PLEASE MESS UP, BECAUSE YOU ARE HUMAN AND YOU WERE NOT MEANT TO BE PERFECT. Forgive yourself, warrior. You are still strong. You can cry and break down and want to throw in a towel, but that does not diminish your worth as a fighter. Love yourself as you are, in the middle of recovery, absolutely miserable. Because, one day, its not going to be miserable, and you will not be in the middle anymore. Recovery IS possible. And it's excruciating. I am in love with recovery. I also completely detest recovery. I struggle, and I win, and I fight, and I lose.
But at the end of the day, recovery is so amazing and challenging and wonderful. The outcome will take your breath away.

I've learned that you can close your eyes to the things that you don't want to see, but, you can't close your heart to the things that you don't want to feel. It could take you years to actually face what has happened. And numerous more to overcome it. It still hurts. It's been so long, you'd think I'd be fine.
It used to be a dull ache that was constantly with me, but now its a sharp pain that only occurs once in a while.
Atleast I'm getting better right? :)
There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living. Easier said than done, right?

The problem with depression is:

• You know you'll be okay, but you still feel awful.
• You know people love you, but it doesnt feel like they do.
• You know that doing something will make you feel better, but you just don't know how to.
• You want to be well, but you just can't seem to get there.

If I've learned anything from life, it's that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places. I've learned that most toxic people can teach us the most important lessons. That our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth: and that the most heartbreaking losses can make room for the most wonderful people. I've learned that what seems like a curse in the moment, can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road, is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path.
I wasn't born myself. I found myself over a long and treacherous road. And the more treacherous the road became, the more of myself I found.

So to all of you out there suffering from mental illness and depression, and hardship - don't feel disillusioned by where you are now. Your progress is good enough.
It's meaningful. It's on time. Though everything may go unacknowledged, every silent step forward is movement in the right direction. When it feels as though everyone is going forward, and you're being pulled back by your own demons or your past, remember that every moment in this journey will play its part in the greater narrative - what a beautiful story to share one day, written just by living your life.