BEING THE FIRST CHILD

I've always felt like the third-parent in my household. My dad made it his duty to let me know that I was responsible for something or anything.

Has your sister eaten?

Has your sister bathed?

I had a sister that was disabled. She had complications at birth and that damaged her brain and her ability to coordinate herself. She needed people to do basically everything for her. And she was my dad's favorite and my very first sibling. So I was responsible for her well being to a certain degree after all my cousins left the house. I wasn't used to this. I grew up around a lot of people and pampered, so I knew nothing about taking care of myself talk less about another person. It was a source of anxiety for me at an early age having to figure out everything--that was what my dad expected of me. He wasn't around much but whenever he was I was also on my toes. I resented those moments and my sister as well. Looking back now, my sister is gone and she went in the most painful way possible which still remains a scar in my heart till date and the responsibility part is still very much my reality.

Growing up in a patriarchy household (which I don't tag as a bad thing), there is a certain respect and demand for hierarchy. The higher your rank the more is expected of you, irrespective of your age or size. I was already the man of the house before I turned 16. I had gone through various physical and emotional strain not expected from a sixteen-year-old and those things have molded me into the man I am doing.

Speaking about the firstborn. I was having a chat with a friend of mine today. She is the first child of her parents. A fresh graduated and still trying to find her feet. This is something we both have in common. One of her pains this morning is that she spent more than half of her allowances on her siblings. It might sound selfish but I understand where she is coming from. As a first child and one who has grown to take on financial responsibilities, you are required to give. Giving is not a choice but an obligation. You're required to give because you've been given. In some typical African families, you will be reminded repeatedly how much you've been given, thus you have to cater to or for those that came after you. So you find yourself giving and quite often to your own detriment.

From September last year when I started making a tangible amount from blogging I assumed a lot of financial responsibilities. Coupled with my father died and given my mum doesn't earn that much and has been supporting me through school ever since my dad became ill only compounded my problems. I had to help out. At first, I enjoyed it--given. I had claimed the big brother role I was always given. However, at some point, it began to tell on me. I was taking out of my saving. I had to substitute my goals for there and you know what, I began to resent my family. Every night I was thinking about how far I would have gone if I did not have to worry about my 3 siblings and mother. All the money I made would have enabled me to start a side hustle. And yes I was still given but my dissatisfaction reared its head in other ways. I was always complaining. I made it a point to always point out how much I was sacrificing for your sake; I got easily agitated, coupled with the long hours I was working trying to earn a living, things quickly escalated. I almost lost my life some time this year. I was hospitalized for a week or so--the first in a really long time.

At some point, I had to take a step back and reconsidered. I was obligated to myself as well. Imagine, for almost a full year I did not buy anything for myself. My money was either going to my family or back to my work. So I started to reward myself. I bought a phone after months of using my mum's phone. Even though I would not buy expensive clothing I could visit a thrift shop to get something nice. You know, it also got to a point where I could not have fun. I stopped placing any value on friendship or relationship. It was all about work, making money, and taking care of my family. Now I am learning how to change those habits. I have started talking to my friends again and I'm a bit open to relationships although it's hard honestly. I have a very short attention span when it comes to people and that's just something I have to work on.

The point I want to make with this article is that you're as important as the things and people in your life. Having people or things to love is a great thing, it's a greater thing when that love is reciprocated. However, in the process or act of giving we shouldn't neglect ourselves and our needs. It's possible to find balance. I try to find my balance between work, caretaking, and fun. The good thing is that I enjoy what I do which is enough fun for me. But at the same time, I'm open to new experiences as a means of adding more quality to my life. So I might visit a new place or read a new book. Anything that adds to me in some way. I hope you find your balance as well.

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