_{Hi there. I'm you're fucked up host, @NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself.}

Tonight we go on a journey of slurred speech.

Let's see what happens, shall we?

Never Drink and Blog

^{Be very careful.}

Hello again. It seems like a long time since I first said hello at the top of this post, doesn't it? Yes, I agree.

I'm on the wine.

The bottle found me. I didn't find the bottle. Someone was like, "Hey, would you like a glass of wine?" I said, "Okay."

Now we're here. Seven glasses later. These aren't your regulation size wine glasses either. This cup might as well be the big gulp of all wine demitasse. That was a French word of sorts. I Googled it so I could sound smart for this article. It's the wrong word to use but that doesn't matter.

On my third glass of wine I decided to turn the computer back on. Apologies in advance. I will not remember what I said to you in chat. Let's just pretend tonight didn't happen. I'm okay with that if you're okay with that.

Sometimes I don't mind drinking alone. It pisses me off when I realize everyone left though. I wasn't alone and then, quite suddenly, I was. Now I have no choice. They could have at least taken their alcohol with them. Why leave that here? That was irresponsible of them.

I hope they get pulled over.

Six times. I've had to pick people up from jail, six times. I don't mind doing it. Why must they always insist they did nothing wrong though? It's nearly twelve hours later and they're still drunk and smell like booze. Pretty sure something went south. No sense denying it buddy, come on!

I broke my front tooth. Not today though. This happened years ago.

I was drunk and UFC was on TV.

My friends were getting rowdy. They started shoving each other around in the kitchen. I wanted to be tough too. That asshole threw me face first into the cupboards. That's not normal. Who does that? Even those UFC guys don't throw people face first into the cupboards. How was I supposed to prepare for this? I hadn't seen it on TV before. I can get out of a full mount with a few elbow smashes from underneath and maybe a quick flick of the hips but damn; cupboards? That shit hurts.

Face first I tells you, face first. My tooth hit the goddamn handle.

How my friend learned that move still baffles me. It happened so fast. Next thing you know I'm laughing because my face stings. Nobody, including myself, realized my tooth was gone until much later.

Imagine sitting down, relaxing, having a beer with your friends and then suddenly realizing your fucking tooth is gone.

That comes as a shock. Of course those bastards laughed at me. I didn't even have a dental plan at the time! This wasn't funny at all!

They insisted it was funny.

They did that by continuously laughing at my face.

That infuriated me so I pushed around the wrong guy because I was drunk. It was the other friend who did it to me but I had no idea. It all happened so fast.

Imagine being angry with the wrong person. No wonder he was laughing at me. That only made it worse though. Other buddy didn't want to say anything though because he knew I was on a rampage and he didn't want to be involved. But damn, at least say you're sorry. Something, anything. They did nothing.

I'm a survivor though.

You see, that tooth that got knocked out was actually fake. I had the real deal kicked out my face back in 1999.

Wow! I should probably tell you that story instead of rambling about this other shit, right?

So there I was, drinking whiskey in the bar. I was nineteen years old. That might be a shocker to some of you Americans out there but trust me, drinking age here in Canada is about 18 or more.

So anyway. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. Yeah sure, I thought I could handle it but we all know now once we're older how good young people are at drinking. If you don't, allow me to clue you in. They fucking can't hold their liquor worth a shit. That was me but I didn't know it then, so cut me so slack, okay.

I got up from my table because I needed to piss really bad. We've all been there before, I'm sure.

On my way, I bumped into some random dude. Fuck... he was mad. I didn't mean to but since I was nineteen and drunk on whiskey shots, I decided it would be best to act all gangsta. He left me the fuck alone after that and I thought I was safe.

A few drunken hours later, he approached me, most likely after some whiskey of his own. He said he had a bone to pick with me. I said nothing but within my head I thought, "What the fuck kind of loser says 'I have a bone to pick with you'. It's 19 fucking 99 man. Get with it."

I blew it off but honestly I was scared as fuck and you could tell this guy was a fan of Burger King. That fight wasn't fair. I'm one of those lanky dudes and he looked like the fucking Marshmallow Man so I wanted out.

I finally found the door but the bar was already closing shop. I got outside and everything was going fine. He confronted me though. I went back into gangsta mode because of these ladies I was talking to. He was standing there like a drunk hick. It was a cold November night in Canada and his head was steaming. I'm not sure if that was from dancing with women who would never fuck him or if he was really angry.

He charged at me!

Have you ever seen a moose? It was like that but a fat kid. I tried to get the hell outta the way but I slipped on some ice.

I don't know what it's like where you live but if someone's down, do you hit them? That guy did. I took steel toe boots to the face. That was the fight. How lame is that? I was already down and I'm getting kicked in the head.

I was knocked the fuck out.

^{Of course!}
The ambulance came. I don't remember much of that part. They told me I was beyond knocked out and in a coma. It didn't last though and of course I found that out much later.

Man, I woke up the next day in the hospital. No clue where I was. I looked at my face in the mirror. Didn't know who that was. That was probably the worst wake up call of my life. I called my dad, "Get me the fuck outta here!"

He picked me up, we went out the back door and I was out of that place.

My friends heard about this shit. They came by my place. My buddy, Jared, he took one look at me. I'd never seen him so mad, and he was hothead. It's my understanding they paid that boy a visit, but I don't know for sure or maybe I do, who knows, who cares. He got his.

Anyway.

^{True story.}

I don't mind telling it.

I'm more drunk now though than when I was when I started writing this mess so please, fucking relax. If there's some typos or whatever, cut me some slack this time. Enjoy the words. We don't live in a perfect world anyway so why fake it...

Have a nice day.

Credits: _{All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me. "A drunk post. Why not." [email protected]}

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