How To Frighten a Whale Away and Be a Broke-Ass Blogger Forever

in life •  3 months ago

I've been around the block and I think I'm ready to reveal my secrets.
Today I will offer everyone some advice, free of charge.

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Most will attempt to teach us how to catch a whale.

Those people are full of shit and their tricks don't work.

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What is a whale?

Well, contrary to popular belief and science, a whale is actually a wealthy individual human.  It's not a fish-like species of mammal; you've been told a lie.

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Free Willy wasn't about a whiny kid and a dumb fish-like being.  It was a story about a rich man who went to jail.  Everyone knows that so please go back and relearn your history if you didn't know.

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Getting a whale's attention is easy.

Many think all one has to do is be a brown nosing ass kisser.

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Wrong!

Those people don't get far in life.  Ignore them and if you can't, spit on them and kick them to the curb; we don't need them.

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To get a whale's attention simply:

  • Kick their Lambo.
  • Call them names.
  • Threaten them.
  • Annoy the living fuck out of them until they flag (that means they like you).

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Easy

So easy even a child can do it and we see children doing it here, daily.

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Yes, some of them are grown-ass men who merely act like children but please, be patient, give them time; their balls will drop, eventually.

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"But @NoNamesLeftToUse,"

"I thought this post was about scaring whales away?"
"Why are you rambling on about nothing?"

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That's a damn good question.

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I've been here nearly two years and a glaring majority of whales don't even know I exist.  That was not easy to achieve but I think I'm finally ready to teach you how!

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Use Red

Simple.

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When a whale sees red, they don't charge like a bull.  The exact opposite happens.  They see red, they crack open a case of vodka, find a quiet corner in the dark somewhere, and leave everyone alone until it's safe to come out.

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I've been using a lot of red over the past two years, I've shared a lot here today; whale repellent.

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I'm so incredibly confident my one easy trick works effectively, I will be so bold as to claim before publishing:

This post will not trend today.

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All Because of the Red

Congratulations!

Now you can, too!

Thank you for enjoying my tutorial today.  I hope you've learned a lot.

Have a nice day!

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Credits:
All art and images seen here were produced digitally, by me.
"You can open your eyes now.  It's safe."

© 2018 @NoNamesLeftToUse.  All rights reserved.

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Most will attempt to teach us how to catch a whale.
Those people are full of shit and their tricks don't work.

getting a whale's attention.jpg

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Most will attempt to teach us how to catch a whale.
Those people are full of shit and their tricks don't work.

As clearly illustrated above.

If I may , friendly suggestion

Not enough red pictures between text , please add more...

New trending post taking birth...

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You're right, I'm sorry. I should have placed one in between every word instead of using spaces. I'll try harder next time. I now realize the hundreds of hours that went into producing those images wasn't enough and I am incredibly ashamed of myself. Thank you for showing me the way.

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That elephant gif is just WRONG.....
I don't like green anymore after that, we need a lot more red pics to sear it from my mind

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I'm pretending it's not there.

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I think if the poop was red it would be more scarier...thats just me though

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Yep, you are probably right, plus it's a good point about the trending pages. I still have that image in my head though.

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don't get discouraged , you are on the right path , just 10X more red pics

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I have never watched a gif so many times!

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Kind of makes me wonder what could be stuck up a whale's ass. Maybe they just need a good pull every now and again.

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I think we can stop the science machine now !!!

@sift666

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Don't tell me you didn't find it to be oddly satisfying. ....

Red is my favorite color crayon. And marker. Not pen though, teachers ruined the red pen for me, spoiling my papers with their opinions.

I hope this comment was useful and helpful!

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Poster for gender non-conformist? I'm not he or she, I'm RED!

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Does a red check mark confuse you? They should have made those green. What the hell were they thinking? No wonder so many kids are fucked up.

I hope this response was something of value to the platform!

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I know right?? Is it bad or good? I can't tell anymore, helpppp!!

I'm reddy

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ouch.
I'm sorry, but ouch.
Still, you get an upvote for a terrible pun (not that my upvote's actually worth anything, but it's the thought that counts.)(yes, I did just say that about my own actions - got a problem with that?)

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Astonishingly I have few problems with anything!

Here, I have given you an upvote though it's not worth much either -0)

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nice corrections, was wondering what your comment meant but I figured reloading was a good idea. Autocorrect?
Arghh I should really go be productive now.

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Yes indeed, autocorrect. I should really stop for a moment and read my replies before hitting post but I never do and then notice them once they post looking mostly like gibberish sigh one day I will learn

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I can tell, because you have been trained, by a master.

And if that doesn't work, you can try a frontal assault like this guy who called out @donkeypong.

You should check it out, it is great satire.

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Wow. The talking donkey got served.

The one up there of the little girl with her dad is one of my favorites - I like my sentimental interpretation and I refuse to accept a different one. :)

If only someone had decided to name them sharks, and then they'd be all over this red of yours.

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If they were sharks, this place would be an even bigger bloody mess.

There is a whale out there with your name on it....

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Whale watching on a mushroom trip? What's next? Acid safari?

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acidyo-posting-banner.gif

Free Willy wasn't about a whiny kid and a dumb fish-like being.

What 😱?

...now I’m going out and attract some whales until they flag me.

Once they do, I know they like me. Than I start posting every single day, because if they like me, they will 100% upvote my post, right?
Am I correct?
I always thought it works the opposite way. I guess, I was wrong.

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Nope, that's how it works. So easy. Too easy. Sorry about the part that involved Free Willy. I hope that didn't ruin your childhood memories.

well, you didn't say where it wouldn't trend today. big mistake.
Screen Shot 2018-07-30 at 5.16.13 PM.png
To me that looks like it's trending, anyone disagree?

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I know, I know... the lowest paid number one trending post is me... Don't rub it in.

Well, that explains everything!

All this time — without even knowing I was doing it right — we have been using RED Dragonfly as our name and we have a permanently RED logo/thumbnail, too.

And just to prove you're right, we have not had any whales come anywhere near us.

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Isn't it strange how nobody noticed this strange phenomenon months ago!

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The universe moves in strange and mysterious ways...

I readily read your red post today and had a weally wonderful whale of a time.

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The place wasn't ready for this bombshell, but I did it anyway. Thanks for coming!

I can do that with green too. And blue. Even combinations of the three work. It's even easier than you think.

Nice collection of red stuff, I stared at a few for quite some time. I wasn't scared away, which proves I'm not a whale, so a fat lot of good that will do your wallet.

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I've done it with black, but then I switched to night mode and noticed white has the same effect. I suppose I should have mentioned that in the post. Too late now.

Thank you for contributing to my broke-ass blogger experience.

Those people don't get far in life. Ignore them and if you can't, spit on them and kick them to the curb; we don't need them.

Done, calling from jail, can you come pick me up?

I frighten my whales by telling them if they mess with me i'm going to start drinking soo much water they will soon run out of ocean to run away too! Works everytime!

If red has that effect i wonder if green has the opposite effect?! No, probably not since i use green in most of my posts and i never caught a whale... might need to change to blue, it's the ocean's color after all...

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I hope you enjoyed your sleepover. Unfortunately, I can't afford bail. I used red.

I tried green. That's a lesson for another day.

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I hope you enjoyed your sleepover.

The things i did in there to stay alive... i'm not proud of them...😢

As long as it’s free. I just can’t afford that $500 hour rates other have charged in the past.

I was told all the cats are whales. I’m so embarrassed for myself now. That is what I get for paying for the advice. I really needed a taco once and had to ask how much it cost. It's just all fake and they tell you how wonderful you are. How you are doing great and to keep going. How that taco will soon be yours just for another $1.99.

I personally prefer to get onto their 80-foot super yacht and take a cat-sized dump onto of the bar. Right next to the Macallan 1946 and the Dalmore 62 single whiskeys. It’s true all whales are whiskey drinkers. Only a barbarian would drink anything else.

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The price of freedom is free. Tacos are not free. Think about it.

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Taco lives matter!!!!!!! We must free them.

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Ah, but how does one explain the wealthy individuals who hang red art within their homes? Are they trying to use their fears to stimulate themselves in some way? Or perhaps does the term "whale" not necessarily connotate wealth in and of itself, but just in those who are idiots about it? But that would still leave us without an explanation, so perhaps a whale is someone extremely rich who one does not know, thus making it impossible to catch a whale.

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besides, I find that all I need to do to frighten anyone off is to laugh maniacally or announce loudly in a crowded area (preferably an elevator) "You're probably wondering why I brought you all here today."

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I follow the example of a particular Toronto streetcar driver. In the elevator, I push buttons for the others and as we approach the lobby announce, "Please exit by the rear doors only unless you're young, male and single, and insist on kissing the driver good-bye."

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To each his/her own.

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You ask too many questions. Maybe try reading the lesson again, or something. Can't you just use google? Why must you make my job so damn hard!

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ah, but my job involves frustrating people (well, my job is frustrating people, so I suppose "involves" is a bit of an understatement), so of course I must make your job as difficult as possible ;)
Thanks for another amusing post. I'll be sure to use red in my next post because of this (and then I can blame the lack of attention from whales on you :D)
And besides, by your definition Google is run by whales - THEY WOUDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING!
(I feel that this is an appropriate moment to say "Illuminti Confirmed" )

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My amusing post says you're welcome. And yeah, just add red and blame me. It's much easier that way instead of blaming yourself and feeling inferior.

This is all well and good but I find that taking my pants off without warning frightens pretty much everyone away.

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You should write a tutorial and teach people instead of keeping that wonderful information to yourself.

This is all great advice, on an unrelated note where is your Lambo parked?

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Behind the Ferrari.

I like red color , red is my favorite color . Your red combination is very good . Wounderful whale if time . Thanks for sharing @nonameslefttouse

I suppose it would not trend. Yet something to wail able if red properly. I get the picture(s)

Interesting, very...😁😀👍☕❤

Lal's presentation is good.

Very nice tutorial for those having the ambition to scare them away. I will remember not to use the colour red as I don't mind them chasing me lol