The Conversation that Crushed My Soul

Women and their partners struggle all the time with what I'm going to talk about today. While I always sympathized for those people, I didn't understand how much it hurts until I was in the same position.

Luckily for me, I did have one chance, which is more than a lot of other people will ever have. It still crushes my soul, though, when I think about that day and the words that broke my heart.

As I've mentioned here and there, I've experienced a lot of strange symptoms for a year or two that have yet to be diagnosed. Tests show that I have a problem, but nobody can tell me what it is or why.

I slowly started getting sick after I gave birth to my daughter in 2015. I had pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant and I was very ill. I was lucky my child was born without any defects.

I had another appointment on September 13, 2017 to try to figure out what's going on with me.

Upon reviewing my health, the doctor asked, "So you were pregnant in 2015?"

I said, "Yes, ma'am."

She asked, "Did you keep it?"

In my head I was thinking, "What the hell do you mean 'Did I keep it?' Of course I did." Instead I awkwardly said, "Yes?..."

She turned to look at me and we made brief eye contact before she responded with, "I can't advise you to have another one. Do you understand?"

At this point I was trying to decide if I was offended or not. I'm not the type of person who shows when they're offended or bothered by something, so I kept my confusion to myself before I said, "Well, I almost died with my first pregnancy, so..."

She firmly said, "That's exactly what I'm getting at; it's a matter of living or not. I strongly advise you to avoid having another child."

I smiled and pretended I'd already come to that conclusion myself and that I wasn't shocked... but I was shocked. Even though maybe it was obvious to those around me, it hadn't registered in my brain yet that I was "too sick".

I kept it together until I got back to my car and then I lost it.

I lost it for a few reasons, but mainly because I was realizing that I probably won't be having another baby... ever.

Things change and health can change, so maybe at some point I could try for another baby. I think that chance is slim, though.

Why did this hurt me so much?

A few reasons. Maybe the same reasons it hurts others.

It hurt me because I have so much love in my heart that I want to give to others.

It hurt me because I also have holes in my heart that have been patched up with the love from my husband and my daughter, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't have room for more love.

We have a very small family. We love the family we have, but they won't be around forever (because of aging and health). I have learned that life is harsh. There are no other kids in our family... and since we prefer to keep to ourselves, we aren't friends with anyone who has kids. It's Ruby and that's it.

With that being said, I would love to give my daughter a sibling... or two. If anything ever happens to us, I don't want my daughter to be alone in the world. If she could have a sibling or siblings who are close in age, it wouldn't solve everything, but it would certainly keep her from feeling like she has literally nobody.

I know that sounds dark, but it's the truth. If John and I were to die in a car accident tomorrow, Ruby would have a grandmother, a great grandmother, and a great aunt. No grandfather, no uncle, no siblings, nobody. And those family members are going to age long before Ruby is finished being cared for.

Those are all hypotheticals - I know.

The other reason I'm so upset about not having more children is because sometimes when I'm busy doing something and I stop to observe Ruby, I feel uncomfortable knowing she has nobody to play with.

Sure, I can play with her and so can her dad, but we have things to do quite often that leave Ruby to play alone. I so wish I could give her a sibling to go on adventures with. My baby doesn't deserve to have to play in silence.

I know I can make things fun for her, and I do. I know she doesn't have a "bad" life. My baby is loved dearly by everyone who knows her.

I just really, really wanted to give her a brother or sister when the time was right.

I don't need another baby. If you've read a handful of my posts you probably know already that I was only 19 when I gave birth to my daughter. Even now at 21, I don't have things figured out.

Ruby's father and I know that we love each other very much and that's golden to us, but it doesn't change the fact that in the world's eyes we're two uneducated kids with a baby. I couldn't be okay with bringing another baby into this world knowing I have no money to give another baby a decent life.

We are on the path to figuring this thing out, though, and I feel like in a couple years we'll be in a position where we could have another child if we wanted to... given that I am capable of carrying a child.

My heart aches relentlessly for couples all over the world who so desperately yearn for a child and can't even have one. At least I was given one opportunity... so many women and men are incapable of conceiving a child period.

What about the adults who have it all together and still can't have a baby? The adults who've gone to school, have a degree and a stable job, a home, and a supportive family? I can't imagine working so hard to get my ducks in a row and then learning I can't have my own child to raise in a world I've spend years building up.

I understand those who fall into the trap of depression because they feel like they aren't enough because they're not even capable of having a child.

Babies love you unconditionally. They remind you what purity is. They love you when you're wrong and they don't shame you for anything. A child's love is true and it's never ending.

I know adoption and surrogate mothers are an option for some people, and that's wonderful. I doubt I'll ever be able to afford a surrogate mother, which is just fine. I would absolutely adopt a child if I could meet the requirements.

So there are other options. Unfortunately I fear it's just not the same as carrying a child yourself and giving birth to something you created with someone you cherish dearly.

I'm not sure if the doctor knew how deep her words cut into my heart that day, but I've replayed the conversation in my head numerous times to try to figure out if there's any way to "overrule" the things she said to me.

There's not - I'm physically incapable of having a healthy pregnancy and that's all there is to it.

I didn't mean for this to turn into an overly emotional post, so I apologize if it came across that way. I really wanted to write something to let people understand they're not alone... knowing you can't have a child is an awful, awful thing to have to accept.

If there were some way I could close my eyes and heal the hurt for everyone in the world experiencing this same pain, I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately the best I can do is offer my love and support to people who need it.

Feel free to share your story in the comments. I really want to build a community who cares for and supports each other during times of sadness.