This Is a Journey... and So It Is.

The more I give myself room to speak my truth, the more I feel my cells heal.

Acknowledging, feeling and releasing is what I have learned to be the most effective healing method. For the majority of my life, art was my outlet for releasing, but over the last few years, after leaving art school, my direction went away from a daily art practice and I found new ways to express my truth. Now, I find, words, speaking and writing, are a source of healing that I am slowly finding the courage to explore. The therapy that comes from telling your best friend, your mother or even a stranger that you want to cry or scream or tell them your secret thoughts is so critical to self-acceptance. We find our reflection in those we share our truest Self with, and sometimes the reflection is more beautiful than you could imagine.

Now, I want to share a bit of my story with you, the (internet) world in hopes that it will encourage my body and spirit to heal. It has been 2 years now since I found out I have a complicated systematic hormone imbalance called PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). It was a diagnosis I received after one year of no menstruation and finally acknowledging that if something was very seriously wrong with me, I should face it - now.

I had always said that traveling so much was the reason that I didn’t get my period, when in fact it came only every couple months for most of my late teens and early twenties, sometimes disappearing for 6 months. Once I brought it up to my MD and she told me “there could be 1 million different reasons a woman doesn’t get her period so don’t worry about it too much.” Thank god I started to worry about this primal female process that was missing from my life. When I finally went to see a Naturopath, she had me take some blood tests and also get an ultrasound on my ovaries, I found out that I have many cysts on my ovaries - also known as the classic “string of pearls.” These cysts are actually 12 or more follicles that have stalled in their development and accumulated in the ovaries rather than going through ovulation, it is these specific types of ovarian cysts that classify a woman as having PCOS. This is where things get complicated as the diagnosis and classification of this Syndrome has been debated and even the name Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome has been lobbied for change, since the syndrome it is not just a problem of ovarian cysts but more about the problem of hormones - especially insulin production/reistance/sensitivity. AND, there are different classifications or “types” of PCOS. So to put it simply, the “Syndrome” is a slew of issues, and if you have 2 out of 4 of the issues then you have some type of PCOS. And, for the most part, if a woman has these types of cysts and she suffers from missing periods and/or is hypoandrogenic (has high androgen hormones) then she fits under the PCOS umbrella. I am still trying to understand it, two years after diagnosis, and I have read A LOT about it.

A diagnosis can be such a blessing in disguise, often our psyche kicks in and we fulfill the prophecy - we become more sick and dis-eased. I found myself overwhelmed as I began to read about PCOS. APPARENTLY, 10 percent of all women suffer from some form of this hormone imbalance (but I had never even heard of it!). PCOS is a systemic hormone imbalance that causes (or is caused by - its a vicious cycle) weight gain, hirsutism, and anovulation (not ovulating) and ovarian cysts, as well as insulin resistance and infertility. I had never heard of this fuckingggggggg thing called PCOS and all of a sudden, it is something I think about and deal with on a daily basis…The books say “it never goes away, it is something you will deal with forever.” Great.

I have focused my life on health - healthy eating, studying yoga, healthy cooking, ayurveda, mediation and movement consistently in some form since 2013. I worked with numerous health care practitioners after I suffered a broken neck in 2011, I have been vegan or vegetarian since 2013, and I have eaten organic food quite seriously for the past three years. I would consider myself someone who is on a healing journey and who is knowledgable about healthy eating and cooking. Even so, it is exhausting to continuously put so much effort into your health only to be told over and over again that you have not found the solution to your problems. On such a deep level I know that this is the perfect journey for me. I just feel that if I was walking around for years with an undiagnosed reason for my missing period, there must be other women out there as well who may be suffering and not know why. Yet amidst my frustrations, I feel blessed and know that I am lucky to have found out about this condition in my 20’s. Finding out that you have been suffering from PCOS later in your life means it is much harder to deal with and much harder to suppress the symptoms - ie. much more likely you will already be struggling with fertility issues or diabetes.

I spent some time with a Naturopath and got my period to come back after a couple of months with supplements, sauna therapy, lots of exercise… but since then it still disappears for months at a time, leaving me feeling … abnormal and unhealthy… unbalanced, unnatural and just plain unattractive. The idea of being “imbalanced” at a deep level drives me crazy. Despite lots of exercise and healthy eating, I have struggled with weight gain in my 20’s and have felt my self esteem and sex drive diminish (real talk). On the plus side, I have dived into a deeper relationship with myself, my mother, my grandmother and my closest circle of friends, men and women. I know that the blessing and lessons are here as I find myself connecting more and more to the depth of womanhood every day.

The first book that changed my life after I was “diagnosed” was Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom by Christiane Northrup. If you are woman and have not read this book, please do. It covers the mind-body connection of women’s healthy and will empower you to take your health into your own hands in a way you may never have imagined. There is about 1 or 2 pages on PCOS and the task she gives to those suffering with this syndrome is to “consider your language and perspective around fertility.” I had an Ah-Ha moment: I had been telling myself (and everyone) for most of my teenage life that, I would do everything in my power not to be like the other women in my family - I would NOT have children in my early 20’s - as my great grandmother, grandmother and mother all had their children by the ripe age of 22, I was determined to “break the cycle” and not have children in my 20’s. That month, I meditated on my beliefs about my fertility, and kept telling myself that is was now safe for me to be fertile. I got my period that month after not having it for an entire year. The lesson: be careful what you wish for - I told my body it was not safe to be fertile, and subsequently, my subconscious mind/body stopped my menstrual cycle and stopped ovulation. The power of the mind and body connection proves itself over and over again.

I started talking to my mother and grandmother about their health and pregnancies. My grandmother did not ovulate and had surgery to remove cysts on her ovaries. My mother had gestational diabetes when she was pregnant with me and over ate (which causes high levels of testosterone and stress). If you haven’t already, I encourage you to ask your mother what it was like to be pregnant with you, or what her labour was like. It might shine a light on a part of yourself that you were searching for. Realize that when your mother was inside your grandmother’s womb she already has the egg that would produce you.

If you are still reading… I realize this is a long essay but it seems to be the therapy my spirit is asking for today, as I pray that my body will menstruate this month… it hasn’t bled since New Years.

Since that Ah-Ha moment, much has happened. I threw my whole everything into building (birthing?!) a business and I could not be happier that I did, it has changed my life in so many ways and it means the world to me to promote healthy eating and organic food. But I learned the hard way that owning and running a food truck means busting your ass, adrenal fatigue and high stress. Stress causes cortisol to rise, which causes the body to secrete insulin. Insulin is a hormone that is secreted by the pancreas that regulates blood sugar. Women with PCOS don’t have great insulin receptors - aka they are insulin resistant. In insulin resistance, your cells are not responding to the message of insulin after eating, and too much sugar remains in the blood. The pancreas then sends even more insulin to try to take the sugar into the cells for energy and keep the blood sugar under control. This causes an over all increased baseline level of insulin which is out of proportion to your blood sugar at any given time. Insulin resistance that is not dealt with puts you at risk for diabetes and many other health issues, ie. systemic hormone imbalance such as PCOS.

The human body is so intricate. Everything we do, our environment, where we came from, our thoughts, our food, our community, the air we breathe, the light we see… it all matters, and our hormones are reacting to all of this, all of the time. The way I see, the women with PCOS are just MORE sensitive to EVERYTHING. It is said by some that we PCOS gals will “suffer” with weigh gain, acne, hair loss, unbalanced energy, depression and slew of other unhappy symptoms forever, and that PCOS is the top cause of infertility in women, and that we should freeze our eggs! It causes depression, lethargy, male pattern hair growth, and can lead to diabetes and infertility - it is apparently the #1 cause of infertility in women! Its a terrifying diagnosis. I went from being so damn adamant that I wouldn’t have babies in my 20’s to the heartbreaking prospect of being unable to have children at all. Many women who are diagnosed with PCOS will be given birth control or synthetic hormones by their MD in order to get pregnant or to induce a period, but this does solve the problem, it doesn’t give you balanced energy and fertility or regular menstrual cycles and a natural hormone rhythm. And it will likely cause even more severe problems in the long run, because it is a band aid that only covers up the problem in the short run.

I need to talk about this but not just for my own therapy, but because I know there are other woman out there who struggle with their hormones. From severe PMS, to acne, to infertility, to missing periods and all of the things that we think are just normal struggles are actually deeply connected to the nature and the nurture of our lives, to who gave us life and to what that life has endured. To the food we eat and the people we form relationships with and how those relationships form us. I am currently reading Woman Code by Alisa Vitti, Healing Love through the Tao by Mantak Chia and Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. Through speaking with the women in my life about this PCOS, reading many many books, sitting in ceremony, and a very good Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner and naturopath plus different forms of stress management and exercise, I have come to new places of healing. Each time I dive deeper into my Self, and each time I surrender to the journey. I prayed and prayed that the full moon would bring my period last week or even that I would feel a cysts burst (which is horribly painful but in desperation I asked for any shift to come) but it didn’t come and I cried and cried and felt broken and lost and angry and confused and alone and… then I surrendered and started to write this essay…this is a journey and so it is.

PCOS is still a confusing thing for me to wrap my head around but, its teaching me a lot about myself and about the human body, the powerful and intricate system of hormones and the power of the mind and body connection. I feel very alone in this “syndrome” most of the time because it is so complex and it affects every woman differently, and I don’t like to talk about my health issues all the time because there are so many things that I am GRATEFUL for; I don’t want to live in a pity party for myself constantly. But, this little essay has been therapeutic because coming to understand this diagnosis has been a longggg journey and talking about it has been hard. It is frustratingly complex, but then again, the human body and human existence is so beautifully complex. Two years after this “diagnosis,” I am just barely coming to understand the meaning of it, the causes and the effects run so deep! Is there anyone out there still reading, anyone out there with PCOS that wants to be ovarian cyst buddies? May each person, men and women, on their own healing journey not have to feel alone. May this form of expression through words become a source of healing. May we release our fears around sharing our deepest truths. May we come together to heal and support each other in our Truth’s.