Wrecked
I had lost count of the number of days I had now been trapped on this blasted and desolate Island. It could have been four, it could have been tenteen.
Fucking baws.
I murmured mournfully as I shielded my eyes from the glare of the noon sun.
It hung there, glaring down with its baleful orange face.
Fuck you too.
I whispered through parched lips. Parched no matter how much of the foul fermented vegetable muck the locals encouraged me to pour down my throat.
They had been quite insistent and I, faced with the harsh reality of life on this barren rock had been happy to oblige.
Happy to drown in their foul drink. Happy to blot it all out.
How long would it be until I was rescued?
How's long before my eyes no longer stung with summer sweat in the brutal heart of winter?
One of the locals, a chap called Jeffrey arrived at my side with more fermented vegetable juice.
To think, all of this... was once a live volcano spewing molten lava and fire!
He gabbled excitedly, waving a hand at the funny porous rocks that surrounded us.
Aye, well. You're lucky you haven't seen my arse on a Friday night.
I uttered, eyeing him grimly.
Um, no. Thank you, sir.
Jeffrey sidled away.
I gave him a flat stare and picked up the foul local firewater and took a swig.
It was rancid but I carried on drinking it anyway.
Idly, I wondered at the sheer serendipity of this fellow being named Jeffrey. My left testicle was named Jeffrey too, the right, of course, must never be named.
To utter it's name is to risk its fearsome wrath.
But that's a story for another time.
The heat blazed down from the sky and I grimaced upwards.
Damn you.
I cursed at the sky.
Was this to be the end of me?
I gritted my teeth. No. If I could survive eighties kids television then I could survive anything.
I will get through this.
I must.
So which bit of that 'blasted and desolate Island' are you? It was just starting to get warmer when we left..., you might be able to get away with shorts now ;)
I'm doon in the South! Pocillos something something. It's nice, in in an all inclusive hotel and the drinks are shit though. Have had to resort to drinking spirits!
It goes with my shorts though :0D
Pocillos? Never heard of it! Playa Blanca is south. I found the cocktails shit in my AI, the Pina Colada.. never tasted such crap!
They did serve San Miguel though.., I had several every day and my holiday became a haze of semi-drunkenness.
It's just along from playa blanca. It's a really nice wee place. Apart from the bev, lol
I think my holiday is descending into a haze!!
Aye, just let it.., the red wine is heavy and will destroy your head if anything like the stuff we had.
I wish I had that kind of stuff. I have stuff like sour ribena!
Worse yet, I find myself drinking it. I hope I don't come back to blighty a lout. :0)
Sit right down and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a boring trip
Where meesterboom's vacationing
May cause his mind to flip
It's flipped.
It's still flipping!!! :0D
And...here we all were cursing your absence, with envious thoughts of you basking in the warm rays of sunlight, sipping margaritas from salted rims while ogling half naked ladies prancing merrily upon golden sands...
If only it were so!!
Instead it is all sun, clear skies, margaritas and half naked ladies. Oh, wait, that's what you said!! :0)
:>)
Oh!! I thought we were having fun! :)
Throw me a San Miguel!
Hurry back, Jack!
!tip
They don't even have San Miguel, it's done rubbish stuff called Tropical
Sob!
Meanwhile, you are providing much needed entertainment for the locals. You are poised to overtake the previous long standing record for "shattiest drink a bombastic tourist will drink because he thinks it is free."
The hotel is offering 8-5 odds against you, in hopes of preserving the crown for Blimey Barney Bloke, the current record holder, who travelled to that arse-fire part of the land by himself with his honeymoon tickets after his bride-to-be was caught slobbing the knob of the church janitor 10 minutes before the ceremony began.
Level 8 in the challenge was sulfur infused rotten eggs and decaying octopus mixed in a blender with two shots of fermented cat urine. You past that before the first 24 hours of vacation had crawled by.
Each level increases in putridness and stomach pumping worthiness by a factor of 10, and you're reading to imbibe in a concoction from the level 12 shelf. Only 3 more levels to beat Barney.
The hotel manager grins the grin of a man getting a 10% cut on all the betting action running through the hotel, which dwarfs the cost of the "free" drinks.
You obviously know the man!! If he is only getting ten percent then he should be getting a rise!! I wonder if sulfur infused rotten eggs and decaying octopus blended in a drink is trademarked? ;0D
I believe it is called the "calamari- who shat their pants", or "Cala-shat" for short.
You doing some type of fermented juice fast for the new year resolution-aries then boomy?
You'd have to be trapped on an island to put up with the celery/kombucha diet 😉
Ha ha, yeah I remember it well. I blame 80's kids TV for my various neurosis and my compulsion to break into full Jordie whenever I ride my bike into a grove.
Whi eye man!
Why don't you!!! Whyyyyyyyy don't you... Whyyyyyy don't you..
Oh, lord, it was awful.
I am on holiday and having to drink spirits good the wine is so bad. No celery type nonsense for me!!!
I will be back to normal in another weeks time!!
Oh lordy... that's a blast from the past. One of my friends was a guest presenter on why don't you. They did some episodes in Liverpool in the late 80's and my friend Deborah was a precocious child presenter on one of them.
Talking of 80's kids shows, nothing beats....
Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes... stands an ancient castle...
Don't you open that trap door, your a fool if you dare!!! Stay away from that trap door, cos there's somethin' down there!!!!!
Hahaha!! I have actually watched that recently. Trap door that is. It's quite remarkably funny!!
Trap door is one of my favorites from the 80's. I also remember 'family ness' and 'cities of gold' being pretty good :)
Shit, there were tones of good cartoons in the 80's. Dungeons and dragons, thundercats... the list goes on... it truly was a golden age... apart from Jim'l'fixit!!
Hehe, yeah, let's not mention that one.
The Muskehounds, Thundercats!! Ah yes, so many good things!!
When I arrive at any resort ... I run a perimeter search. Looking for the right bartender. The one that has been around for a while and will likely be working the whole week.
The bar can't be one of the ones that are exposed. It's likely a little out of the way. Not frequented as much as the others. It's the bar that the rowdy crowd avoids.
I then order a drink from the bartender and tip very handsomely.
Usually, a second tier of alcohol emerges from somewhere that is significantly better than the stuff that everyone else is drinking. It's a magical experience ...
My favourite words are usually something along the lines of ... "Wait here for a minute, I've got a bottle of something in the back that I think you will like..."
That's a fine plan and one I intend to pursue!! I normally do a similar thing but yours is quicker!! :0)
LOL what the hell did I just read? Very interesting nonetheless :P
Gotta follow for more I suppose...
Haha, the perils of a family holiday!! :0)
So nice holiday then? XD
Never been on hols with the little guy before
It's... Interesting for sure!!
Boom after a week on vaycay...Wondering if Jeffrey will ever bring more jungle juice...Jeffrey the waiter, not the left nut.
Haha, someone leaked a photo of me!!!
Damned paparazzi.
Hope all is well. Or as well as can be. 🙂
Aye mate, it's actually going quite well!!
Cool, well enjoy the weather and relaxation because before long it'll be rain and cold when you get home.