Thursdays With Uncle Boom #73

It had been three long days.

Three long days without killing anything. Not a damned thing. I was bored shitless. The weather had been quite unseasonably warm for this time of year too so I had not even been able to menacingly extinguish the fire in the lounge.

I sighed. Is this what it was like to be one of the herd. Tied up by rules and propriety?

It had all stemmed from my new lady friend, the reporter Sherry Bolsworth, that I had met a couple of weeks ago. I was quite taken with her, she had quite the gymnastic vagina. Maybe it was the vagimnasty that had gotten me quite smitten with her? For indeed, smitten I was.

As such, I had decided on the maddest of New Year resolutions. I had decided, to stop killing random peons.

It was a lot harder than it sounded.

I sighed again. Harder this time. It was no use. I think I would have to go and see the Doctor, see if he could prescribe me something to get past the first couple of weeks.

I entered the office of the esteemed Dr Baljafray, or Jaffers as we called him in the club. He was a fine fellow despite having a face like Sperm Haloumi.

So Boomers! What can an old Doctor with a game leg and a wonky cock do for a fine gent like yourself!

I smiled. He always had a way of putting his patients at ease.

I took my pipe out and loaded it with some baccy. It was a fine stuff one of my men in the Japans had discovered for me, Dickorious Dock Apparently, it was a baccy that was grown at a monastery then soaked in the sperm of sea urchins before being dried and gently smoked over hickory. It was a fine thing. Tasted like sooty fish soup and stank to high heaven of dark nooks and spice.

Jaffers sparked up his own pipe and puffed happily at me.

Well, Jaffers. It is a bit of a delicate matter. I don't know quite how to put it. Um, I have sort of given up on something and it is not as easy as I first assumed it might be?

Jaffers nodded, a gleam in his eye.

Say no more, Boomy, say no bloody more. I know exactly the problem. Hell, I think I have given up the same thing myself a few times!

I raised an eyebrow in surprise.

Have you?

Oh yes, old chap. Ha, don't worry, I have just the thing for you.

Jaffers started scribbling on a notepad, tearing off a sheet and passing me it.

I looked at the paper eagerly. On it was printed a name and an address, the name was simply Angus.

Um, what am I to do with this, old fellow?

Jaffers looked about him as if being watched then leaned in to whisper through a cupped hand.

As I said, I have given it up a few times myself, Boomy. Not for long mind, something about the beef curtains always drags me back but this fellow? Well, he has something that can help a man in a spot...

Jaffers took a dramatic puff of his pipe, exhaled then leaned in again.

He has... An Alsatian... With no teeth...

He pulled back and grinned proudly at me.

What you do is go see Angus, tell him I sent you, he will send you into the back room. Go in there, wrap some streaky bacon around your cock and a minute or two later he will send in Emily.

I blew out an exasperated cloud of smoke.

What? What do you mean, bacon around my cock and who the fuck is Emily?

Emily is the dog, man, the Alsatian, the one with no teeth? Remember I said? That's what the bacon is for. You know? So that Emily can give you a right good chew?

I crinkled my face in distaste and passed the paper with the address back to Jaffers.

I think you might have the wrong end of the stick, old fellow. I don't think I need to be sticking my cock in an old dog's mouth?

It's a very wet mouth.

Winked Jaffers.

No matter how wet the mouth, that is not the problem I have.

Jaffers wheeled his chair back slightly and examined me through narrowed eyes.

Ah, I was afraid of this.

I regarded him back through equally narrowed eyes.

Afraid of what?

Jaffers put his pipe down and patted a hand on my leg.

Must be cancer then. You must be riddled with it.

What?! Cancer?? Don't you have to do tests for that?

Hmm, tests. Yes. Probably isn't the cancer then. Well, dammit Boomy. I am a Doctor, not a soothsayer. I need more fucking detail if you want a proper diagnosis.

I took my hip flask out.

I... I have a nasty habit of... m... m... oh fuck it, give me that piece of paper.

I snatched the paper with Angus and Emily's address from Jaffers and stormed out of the door.

I pushed open the door to the back room in the dingy little house. It was quiet now. Quieter than it had been some moments ago at least.

There was a tired looking Alsatian tied to the bottom of a grubby looking bed. I moved over to it and freed it from the leash that had held it tight.

Here Emily, are you hungry?

The dog whined, it certainly looked hungry. I pulled a handful of diced meat from behind my back and flung them at her.

Three days isn't a bad run I suppose...

I muttered quietly to myself.

Emily started slobbering the meat down gratefully. I wiped my hand on a handkerchief.

Emily made a face and looked up at me curiously, then at the meat and back at me. She whined.

What's that Emily? Where is Angus? Ha, I am afraid I simply can't say... After all...