The Bog Monster

Today I must discuss one of the many perils of working in IT.

Prepare yourself, it's not pretty. I fear it is one of life's taboo areas but someone has to go there.

Let me start at the beginning. Just like any other day, I had breakfast and after a pleasant coffee made my way into work. The day passed swiftly and by lunchtime I was as happy as a badgers chuff that it was halfway to home time. Little did I know what the day had yet to offer.

After a fine lunch I walked back to the office. All was well, it was a warm day and I paid no heed to the ominously dark clouds on the horizon.

The afternoon was a busy one. A long meeting was had in which there was much talk of surfacing detail and undertaking deep dives. And no, I am not the captain of a deep sea vessel.

Not one to be outdone I threw in some tosh about bandwidth and fixing forward. Could today get any better?

It was getting near escape time, I popped out for a coffee. On the way back to the office an old crone blocked my way.

Big yin, goat some sper chy-inge.

I rapidly translated her words in my head... Large fellow, have you got any spare change?

Sorry, no

I attempted to move past her. She hawked up some phlegm and spat at my feet snarling.

Miserable basturt.

I strongly resisted the urge to dart forward and rabbit punch her on the tit. Instead I tutted and walked on. Pfft, I wasn't going to let such trifles put a blight on my day.

The day was finally done and I thought it best to visit the toilet lest I get caught short on the long train journey home. I entered one of the cubicles and set about my business.

As I sat, the cubicle door next to me slammed closed with a mighty bang which made me jump.

This was followed by some dark mutterings and the creaking of plastic as a gargantuan thing sat down.

No matter thought I, attempting to hurry along my business.

There was more creaking from next door then some groaning. Then a machine gun spattering and several concussive detonations.

La la la, can't hear it.

I thought frantically.

There were heavier groans. The wall next to me shuddered as a meaty something slapped onto it. I hoped fervently it wasn't a lung.

I hurried as best as I could as the noises graduated into a strange burping and thrashing, like an alsation dog was being forcibly drowned in a bucket.

I couldn't hold back any longer. I banged on the wall of the cubicle.

FOR GODS SAKE!?!

It all went quiet.

I washed my hands and ran before it came out and got me.