Shock Value

in #life2 months ago

IMG-PHOTO-ART-1068788351.jpg

Oh. My. God.

Bawhum, who today was hotdesking at the desk across from me, exclaimed with a weirdly ecstatic look on his face.

I raised my head and threw a crooked eye his way, tutting loudly before lowering myself back into the incredibly important pyramid shaped thingy I was making in excel.

It had different coloured layers and was a jaggy masterpiece of beauty. I suspected many boners would be popped when it found its way onto an email I was going to send.

There was a weird slurping noise and a muffled pleasure-grunt from across the desk as if a lady pig had discovered an alternate use for Nutella.

What in the fucking blazes was going on? I jerked a leg out to make sure that someone hadn't somehow sneaked into my workplace and wasn't at this moment scrabbling about under the desks like an unwanted felatio-ninja.

My foot struck nothing but air.

It seemed there were no hungry wayward mouths on the prowl.

I applied Occam's Razor and rapidly deduced that if a sneaky ninja wasn't prowling around under the desks sucking random IT people off then the person making all the noise had to be sucking themselves off, Jerry Banfield style.

Which, frankly, in a work situation was a poor show.

Sighing, I raised my head up to see what was going on.

And I saw the most horrible thing in the world.

I jerked back in my chair at the sight and let out an involuntary squeak of horror.

Bawhum, what the fuck are you doing?

I gasped like an old woman that needed re-upholstering.

Wha'? Whassup?

Replied Bawhum belligerently.

We had history, he and I. He had never forgiven me for announcing loudly in a meeting that I thought I could smell balls whilst pointedly staring at him.

Could you stop that, man? It's fucking rank.

I twisted my head so that I was looking at a different hemisphere as to the one he was inhabiting.

What? I'm only licking my spoon?

He waved the offending spoon at me as if it were a sword and he a knight of the realm bobbing about mid-battle on an angry war-horse.

You are not licking it, you were sucking it. Like a cock, actually.

I WAS NOT!

He half rose out of his seat, his face red and angry.

You fucking were. It was foul. It has put me right of my salt beef sandwiches.

I pushed my plastic sandwich tub away from me and made a cat sniffing-balls-that-hum kind of face.

Well, fuck off. I wasn't. You just love causing trouble.

He sat back down grumpily.

Cause trouble? Me?

No I don't.

I said eminently reasonably.

You do man, you are always saying stuff just for the shock value. So, for your information, I was not sucking my spoon off, I was eating soup from it. Ok?

He glared at me triumphantly, his little eyes glittering like raisins in a mouldy bun.

I looked back impassively.

How dare he say I say things for the shock value. Pfft, as if that could be true.

Soup? What kind of soup?

I asked innocently.

He took a moment to answer.

Potato and leek.

He eventually grumbled, sitting and raising another spoon to his mouth.

Do you like that soup because it looks like jizzum?

I asked innocently.

He clattered his spoon back into his bowl and looked at me as if he either wanted to kill me or make mad angry love to me.

Fuck off, bastard.

He muttered.

I winked and got up to go out for a coffee.

Gladly. Enjoy your spunk soup, ya filthy beast.

I walked away whistling happily.

Who said I say things for shock value?

Sort:  

"Spunk soup" a classic- and something to be avoided at all costs like aspic, just the sound of it makes me want to hurl!



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Euurgh. Aspic sounds so bad!! Almost as bad as the spunky soup. Lolz!!

!ENGAGE 20 :0)

Wow thank you! I've always wondered why that would name a food that???

No worries!

The namers of food are a messed up bunch!!!

You? NEEEEEEEEVER - that man is lying.... you never say shocking things...

He is! He is a filthy liar. I should sue!!! ;0)

meesterboom, you always like to annoy people, don't you? He was peacefully eating his soup and you commented the way he was eating his soup in a sexual way. HAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!!!!!! Upvoted!

Haha. I really do!! It must be murder to work beside me sometimes!!! :0D

Ah yes Mr Banfield.... Some things cannot be unheard or forgotten.

It's like a curse. The thing that should not be!

If those peeps at work ever find out about all this shit.. hahaha!!

Lol. I have had exactly the same thought. In a way it works for me that Steemit isn't huge!!

With the rising price... that may change, don't talk to ANYONE about crypto at work.., unless your words are 'scam'

It's amazing how quickly they have all forgotten. I told them all at the time but now I do shake my head ruefully and agree it's all scammy. Works for now!!

The legend of Jerry lives on.

There is a lot of eating at desks at my place and my line manager likes to slurp his apples :/

Yeah there is tons of it in our place too. The other day someone was eating something and jam and it was splurbing out and onto the desk which he was then cleaning with a licked finger and I was like, oh come on man, we hotdesk, I pity the bastard who gets that one in the morn!!

He was getting more than just jam off that desk!

At least we sit in the same place, there are a few desks I would want protective gloves to go near.

I have to get in right early to make sure I get my favourite desk which I still like to think of as mine. There have been times I have menaced a contractor or youngling from there if I think I can get away with it. Lol!!

How dare he say I say things for the shock value. Pfft, as if that could be true.

The nerve... Really, to say such a thing, nay, to think it even. Ach, ach, ach... Where is this world coming to.

I know. I despair of these upstarts with their strange notions!! I should call him out for a duel!! ;0)

Battle of the spreadsheets. (He'd probably would be to busy sucking off his soup spoon.)

Red alert, load the photon torpedos. Get ready for a type off spreadsheetfight. Raise the anti soup shields, full max. Man the battle keyboards!

Make it so! 😄⚔️

Haha, I love those kind of battles!!

Macros at the ready, fire!!!

!ENGAGE 30 !!

They're the best! Get him locked up in an ever lasting macro-loop!

(Thx for the Engage mate!)

Lol, a pleasure!!

I think he might already be caught up in a macro loop!!! :0D



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I can serve as witness here. This good sir, our meesterboom, never does anything for shock value. I just can't for the life of me understand how he could ever say that a felatio ninga is unwanted.

Phew, I'm glad to have that confirmed. The man is surely a Nonsense talker!!! :0D

Haha! One big happy family that place!