No Chance

in life •  22 days ago

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She's pregnant.

I stared at my mate Daz in horror.

She's what? Already? But you only just started trying a month ago? Aw man.

We were in the park. Our regular Monday playdate with the little ones. We both had two kids each already, the older ones were in School and we met up on a Monday with the almost one-year-olds. Daz and his wife had just started trying for number three, much to his dismay.

I know mate. Just my luck eh. I don't know if I could have took much more pumping anyway.

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We both were quiet for a moment. It was only fitting to allow a little room to grieve. I threw some sunflower seeds at the ducks much to their annoyance. One of them sounded suspiciously as if it was shouting wank, wank.

It's not my fault bread is bad for them.

Eventually, I broke the silence.

At least she will stop shagging you. Now that she has got what she wanted.

Aye.

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We both looked off into the distance, we all had our horror stories to tell on that front. Daz took a deep breath and let it out. He then looked at me with a pained, fake smile.

I am sure it won't be that bad. I mean, we have two. Three shouldn't really make much of a difference.

I patted him on the shoulder in a manful way. A pat that showed him I was there for him. As long as he didn't cry or any of that kind of mad shit.

It will be fine mate. Don't you worry. It will all work out.

She says I will need to give up the beamer right enough.

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He grimaced as he said this as if a cat was licking his nipples roughly.

I recoiled slightly myself. Daz had had his BMW for years, it was practically an antique but he loved it.

Give up the beamer, man. Why?

Not enough seats. Need a big stupid people carrier thing now.

Oh.

The ducks quacked and wandered off into the misty grey rain. I threw some sunflower seeds after them, the cheeky one shouted wank, wank again over its shoulder. We chatted some more and then headed our separate ways.

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When I arrived home the good lady was all a bustle. She took the little guy off me.

Hey, you take a seat I will bring you a coffee.

I flumped down in my chair and thought of poor Daz. The good lady came through with my cup of Joe.

She perched on the side of my chair and rubbed my shoulder.

I was thinking maybe we should have an early night tonight?

She gave me a slitty-eyed look like a cat that wants its belly tickled but might just scratch you out of spite whilst you do it.

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Oh oh, did she have her brood on?!?. I knew what that look usually meant. I could take no chances, this situation would have to be averted.

I furrowed my brow at her.

No can do sister, I have a big pile of ironing to get through.

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A pat that showed him I was there for him. As long as he didn't cry or any of that kind of mad shit.

Looool the whole part of this is hilarious but this literally brought laughing tears to my eyes

Goodbye Sleek cars and Hello Mini Vans

No wonder you didn't want to take any chances yourself

Lool

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I am on guard against the slightest hint of it!! :0D

Hahaha!! Just be careful not to mess with those ducks that have teeth. Those lot don't duck around, they all quack together after all!

Is sex the opposite of the bell curve for men? Poor Daz and all, but I'm trying to wrap my head around when it crests so I could buckle up. Three is just the same as two? That's funny.

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Ah yes, the delight's that your eyes are to be opened up to. Don't worry though, they are easy down the line after the children cometh and the sleep is short and life is a menange! Whatever that is :0)

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Sleep is already short, so I guess I've been doing my reps all of these years! Looking forward to catching up on sleep in two or so decades!

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Ah yes... I am too!! One day it will come!!

Booms lady is going to get preggers again! Yup, the good lady is going to trap you! Get ready for that family van...

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Don't say it! No!! It came be it won't be!! I couldn't do it!!

What kind of cars do you have over there where you need a people mover for three kids? XD Unless Daz's wife is looking ahead to having to drive around kids and their friends?

And you know there's things you can do that will let you get the brood on without multiplying right XP

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Ah there are things and there is trust and there is fear that one day the good lady will come down from upstairs and say I'm pregnant and I will be more what, but how can that be and she will have a secret smile and I will be a broken man!!! Lol

Hi Boom. This is a classic, you knocked this one out the park. Ducks sounds, I suppose they do sound like that in a way. Three kids is a handful and is a hassle when you go on holiday with such things as taxis only take 4 people today. Thanks for this morning as well I have already registered.

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I hope you get a vote soon!!

I never even thought of the daft things like cars and stuff. It all sounds hellish!!! I much prefer having two I think!!

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I stopped at two. One of each, a pigeon pair as they say.

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That is my intention too. I am sure we are in agreement over this but the good lady has always been horribly broody!!

Not up for another one then @meesterboom?

Was Steemfest 4 in the back of your mind?

Surely the 3 of them can fit in the back of the Beemer for a few more years? One of the saddest tales I've read today.

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They can't, is those flipping car seats you see. But yes, definitely no more for me! I will make sf4! :0D

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Good man, I expect there wont be a single crease in the house!

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I am laughing whilst grimacing!

Is it time for a nip-nip job? Three is a handful. I should know I had four. I wouldn't trade them though. Getting through the first decade is the problem...

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Damned first decade, by the time I will be through that I will be in my fifties, yeek!

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Yup! And by then you are hoping for an early retirement...

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Haha, exactly. By then I will be hoping that steem had finally gone done it!

You know that if you want to keep your BMW you can not go from having 2 to 3 if you do you will condemn you and your car lol XD

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I know! Done sacrifices are not worth it :0D

I like the imagery of the sadness over losing an old Beemer. As a former owner of an old beemer (2 actually though one was more of a 'mum' beamer, the other was my baby from University a 318 horrible in snow!) Were I to have a child, I'd strap it in to the thing.

Of course now I drive a big family car and I haven't any family save @winstonalden and he has his own vehicle. Even my dog is the size of my handbag. Funny, that...not necessarily relevant to you or your story, but there you go. That is what you story put into my head :)

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Hehe, it's where a memory can go!

He is quite bereft about the beamer. I have no idea what kind it is bit it is old and red and blocky. If I was him I would be happy to trade in, lol!!

Yea, you should iron the clothes first and think of another excuse before the unspeakable happens. Maybe you should get a night shift job! Haha! Upvoted!

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I am sure the good lady wouldn't mind!!

Beware, my friend, such ideas spread like wildfire...
But, of course, we'll be there for you....in case, you know...

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I shall stand doughty and tall in preparation to fight off such crazy ideas spreading!!

I have great respect for people with more than 2 kids - for some people it just comes so easy.... not for me - babies and kids are damn hard work. I hope she is just trying to seduce you for the fun of it hahahaha

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Now the fun of it would be something I could get along with!! :0)

When I read the first sentence "She's pregnant." I thought you was talking about your good lady and I was ready to congrats to you :P Well, reading all the post, maybe I'll give you my congrats in the next months :0D

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Oh lord no, don't even go there!

lol, you sould start with "Any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence". 🤣

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I should, that would be my get out of jail card!

that is the night for your impromptu beer testing,
after a couple of 8/10 boombs you won't feel the pain, or,
after a couple more the good lady will lose interest
either way you survive for another day.

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Yes, those next days are terrible!

Do you suppose, back when you were twenty, and you told your mates at the pub after umpteen beers that you turned one down, so you could put a bit more starch in your shirt on the old ironing board, they would have let you out of the place in one piece?

No worries though, you'll look good in your sporting cap, driving the large boxy thing around town. Just schnick a Beamer emblem off the neighbors car and plaster it to the front. That'll do...

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Lol, the are many things I think that would have surprised my teenage self. Sometimes when I get out the car and start loading/unloading kids I look at myself in astonishment at your it has all turned out!

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Thank's be it does change, or we'd all go extinct.

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Haha, good point!

Resistance is futile!

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I more and more believe this to be true!

ahahahaha way to throw the ironing back at her. haha "teach you to give me chores" lol. So I wish my old 1991 318s BMW, I even miss my 2003 325i BMW, well kind of, I had a lot of expensive fixes to do with it. Are minivans popular in the UK? or is that just like an American thing? lol

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They are quite popular now. Most stuff that is popular in the states becomes popular here. So you call them SUVs? Or is that something else?

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No the minivans we call minivans and we do have SUVs as well. So both. haha They are both very popular here. growing up we had a 1974 volkswagon bus, it looked like the one in the movie Back to the Future, the one the the Libyans were driving. haha, There was a guy at church that joked after that movie came out, "The Libyans are coming! Oh it's just the Taylors..." lol My parents have owned two mini-vans since and still own their 2002 Honda Odyssey. Runs like a champ still. haha

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Hehe. Those Volkswagen buses are going through quite the Renaissance here! Everyone is buying them and retrofitting them to be cool again!

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hahaha yeah! In California where I grew up they were also considered the ultimate surfer mobile. haha although I never surfed. I was only 30 minutes from the beach, went fishing a ton and played on the beach, but never surfed.

Well... At least these sleepless nights are more enjoyable than the ones after she gets what she wants.

And let's not discuss how many siblings I have. My parents had a real handful.

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They are, it must be said.

I can imagine, you have the torn soul of the many siblinged in your words!

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Wayhay! I had almost forgotten!

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In the words of Al Bundy "It's not your birthday Peggy!"

Haha, poor old Daz. I can't relate though, when you have one surprise child and one planned both in your early twenties, you never learn the 'sex is a chore' bit. lolll

good move Boomy most women all get pregger's around the same time....just like how all their mistrial cycles coincide its a woman pack thing.... believe me as a woman I know...(evil grin)

upvoted and resteemed