Everything

Hey, BoomDawg. You been to that new beer shop, down in Govan?

I looked up, one of my colleague's, Sharpie was standing beside my desk.

A new beer shop, really? I haven't heard anything on the Twitters.

I said.

Aye man. Honest to god, you should check it out. It's got everythin'.

Everything? Oh my, so it's really good then?

Sharpie made a disbelieving face as if he had found a slug in his lettuce.

Is it good? Is it good? Mate, its got EVERYTHIN! It's fucking amazin, man.

He shook his head as if the voices were back and clopped one of his leathery hooves on the ground in bafflement that I was not already at this new Beer shop.

I smiled at the thought of a shiny new beer shop and leaned back with my head in my hands. What if it was even better than my current beer shop? Man, I would miss old Bear-Man but you know, compassion is for the weak and all that.

Maybe I would even find a new Bear-Man?

You have sold me, I'm going at lunchtime.

I stood outside the little shop. It looked a bit grubby. Then again, this was Govan. I had grown up here. It was a grubby little place. Oh well.

I hitched my skirts up and pushed my way through the door.

Once inside, I looked about with some puzzlement. The place was tiny, dirty and a bit shit looking. There was a counter near the door and a few tired bookshelves with some forlorn looking beers on them.

Behind the counter was a ferret-faced Glaswegian. I was very familiar with the type. I wondered if we would end up fighting. It's always the way. Putting two Glaswegian's together in a room is like putting two severed cocks in a box.

Awrite, mate? Can ah help ye?

Said Ferret-Face.

Am alright, just looking.

Said I in my poshest voice in the hope of deliberately enraging him.

Instead of flying into a chipped-shouldered rage he merely nodded knowingly at his sparse beer shelves.

Check it out, man We've got everythin.

I gave him a look as if he were trying to wear my mother's false teeth. Everything, indeed? That is exactly what Sharpie had said. Was this his fucking brother or something?

I wandered over to the sad decrepit beer shelves. All the beers were shit. They even had Miller on the shelves. I had not drunk Miller since the nineties.

My eyes fell on two beers near the bottom. Coffee-based beers. They looked decidedly out of place. I took them to the counter.

Aye aye, need a boost, big man?

Ferret-Face winked greasily at me.

I paid with contactless to minimise any further shop touching and left.

Hey, that place was shit?!

I stood in front of Sharpie with a hand on the hip in the style of the Good Lady when she was cross with me.

Sharpie looked guilty.

Aw, was it man? Fuck. Unlucky.

I beetled my brow at him menacingly as if I was going to challenge him over a lady's numpkin.

You said it was good?! You said it had everything?!

Now Sharpie looked sheepish.

Oh aye, oops. Em, av no actually been. I just heard it was good from somebody. Cannae even mind who it was?

I shook my head.

Hmmph, If the beers I bought are shite I am going to seal them back up and ram them up his arse on Monday.