Big Hill Go Boom

in #life4 years ago

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The chronicles of the unfortunately handsome meesterboom, shipwrecked on a volcanic rock somewhere sunny and awash with alcohol... although he manfully tries to push past the seeming neverending horror of free booze, food and stunning weather, a glimmer of hope appears that perhaps, just perhaps, he can find a way home...


There's a mountain nearby. No, not a mountain. Apparently, a bloody volcano.

One of the locals, Big John, accosted me one night in one of their fermented vegetable juice establishments.

Yagadagga yagadaggadoo!

He burbled excitedly in the irritating local tongue.

I shrugged my shoulders at whatever incomprehensible codswallop he was babbling.

He pointed up at the mountain and gabbled more bilge.

I looked at him as if he were some kind of exotic cabbage and shrugged my shoulders again.

Eh, ya fucking daftie?

I said as amiably as a man drunk on fermented potatoes and blazing sunshine could.

He grimaced and took a long swig of the muck that they call beer here before answering.

Fooksake, ah canna believe ya canna fookin understan me, Newcastle is only doon the road from you Scots bastids.

He ground out as slowly and as carefully as he could.

It was no use. We were caught twixt worlds of understanding. Perhaps I was fated to never understand these simple Island folk.

Ella piso es muy mujado?

I knocked out a few words of the local lingo I had managed to pick up but he just threw his hands up in the air and made a strange gah'ing noise.

Fook it. See there?

He waved his arms like a seagull that had been fed too much arse pâté.

It looked as if he was gesticulating to the nearby mountains, one in particular.

Big fookin hill, Timanfaya. Go Boom!

He moved his hands apart in a reverse clapping motion as if parting a Texan woman's labia.

My mouth dropped slightly.

Say again?

I stuttered in stark disbelief.

Big John smiled. It was a big happy smile. The smile of an idiot who has finally managed to open a jam jar.

Up there, big volcano! You have to see it.

His smile faded as he saw he had lost me with his jibber-jabber again.

He slid his half empty beer glass around the table and dipped two fingers in the tepid amber piss that the locals masturbated in and called beer.

Big hill...

He jerked his head in the direction of the mountain again.

Go BOOM!!

He nodded excitedly, seeing the understanding on my face again.

Big hill, go BOOM!

He flicked beer from his glass into the table top as if there were a small ejaculating dolphin in there.

I looked from his wet and grubby butcher's fingers to the mountain behind him.

Could this be the sign I was looking for? Was the universe attempting to communicate an escape plan to me, Boomy, through Big John of the New Castle?

He gabbled some more foreign gibberish but I ignored it. My heart was pounding at the thought of escape from this cursed Island with its ridiculous sun, clear skies and oceans of sour alcohol.

They said that no one left before their time. Well, bollocks to that.

I remembered the arcane writings of that madman who lived on the underside of the earth, something about not living your life by default.

Yes. I would take this sign. It was time to get out of Dodge and finally escape this shipwrecked hell.

I looked at Big John and my smile for once had nothing to do with semi-naked ladies or inebriation.

I thumped my chest with my fingering hand and then pointed at the volcano behind us.

Boom go big hill.

Sort:  

Ooh Volcanic Holidays, what an explosive idea... you see what I did there...yeah subtle is me middle name ;)

Oh yes, I see what you did!! It's the only way to have a holiday, I feel! :0)

And there I was thinking Americans needing to sub Australian English was a bit odd, what's your excuse if you're "just down the road"? XD

Have fun at the big hill and I'm curious to see how your plan unfolds XP

Lol. I can understand them... Mostly!

Looking forward to big hill!

Ever been to Kerry County ? I hear they beat the gargling Newcastle folk by a mile with their lingo (according to @deirdyweirdy)
https://steemit.com/freewrite/@deirdyweirdy/bad-language

Haha, I will have to have a look at this!!

Yes, do...she included a little YT clip that's hilarious...

I hope your not meaning my Newcastle...where the perfect people live Haha

I am! Big John is from Newcastle!!! I can hardly understand a word he says!!

Im from Newcastle Big John talks sense. You have to learn Geordie :)

It's all Greek to me! Hehe!

Its really easy, i can do it Haha

I took this video with my phone on the volcano in Hawai'i a couple of years ago.

I get excited when I read the word volcano.

Fuck!! I bet that's way more exciting. I think I am just going to see big old dead conical rocks!

I've now stayed at two houses on the Island that have been taken out by the lava.

It's a pity, but ... if you have a house on the edge of an active volcano ... What do you think is going to happen?

I have always wondered about that. It's kind of a done deal!

I have been reading the How to Train Your Dragon series to my children. All I could think while reading this was that you really ought to have a fire proof suit and a windwalker dragon on stand by...just in case.

I should! That would be something!

I have been watching that too. My daughter loves it!

It's a hard life being fed every day and downing as much booze as your body can muster. I have been there, trust me... I know.

The struggle is real!! Even now they insist on feeding me stuff that is mostly half decent.. my deepest of fears is that it will end soon!! ;0)

It will end and you will be back on the Haggis before you know it. Careful of visiting that mountain during the middle of the day. This will befall the unwary.

Piles of cars with pissed off drivers. A 60 minute wait we had to deal with. It's all here.

I have me a chariot booked, most especially after seeing your post the other day!!

Come to think of it I did see some of those come charging past me and all the other frustrated motorists. I figured there was a Roman Arena next to it or something?

I hope there is, how else am I going to be able to pay for the entry fee unless it's by forcing my pecs in a vanquished foe's mouth!

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