The Trainer

in life •  6 months ago

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I wandered into the living room with my gym gear on. The good lady looked up from what she was doing.

You going for a workout Daddy bear?

Yeah, won't be too long.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water and headed out to the garage which was my makeshift gym. Despite my best intentions I had not been going to the gym as often as I had wanted and being in my forties I am struggling to shift the pounds.

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I had decided to take matters a little more seriously.

I had enlisted a Trainer.

I walked into the garage. The weights were all set out as was a punch/kick bag and a pull-up bar.

My trainer was there too. He stood there with a frown on his face as I entered. I couldn't help but admire his honed and muscular physique. That's what I am after. I thought.

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The Trainer pointed at me.

So, Fatty Boom Boom, you ready to get fit?

I grunted and moved to the hand weights. I started doing some basic curls. All the while the Trainer stood beside me with a face that looked as if he had discovered that the Highland Toffee he was chewing was actually made in Holland.

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I got to ten reps of my first set and was about to stop. The Trainer stepped forward.

Look at these fatty?

He pointed at my chest.

I'm scared you might try and boob-feed me with one of them man boobs. Come on, let's break a sweat, three sets of fifteen.

I curled a lip up at the insult but said nothing, just sighed and did as he said.

The next half an hour was hellish. My body was aching and sweat was pouring liberally out of me like I was a salty teapot at a Church party.

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Everytime I flagged, the Trainer would fling out some piercing insult.

Hey chinny-chin the lizard lord, put a bit more effort into it!

or

Keep it up chunky, the kids won't be kicking sand in your fat face on the beach this summer!

I stood, breathing heavily at the end of the workout. The Trainer leaned forward and grabbed a handful of my belly flab.

I will be seeing you tomorrow Jabba.

I nodded in mute acceptance and headed back into the house for a shower.

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In the house I stripped off and headed into the bathroom. As I passed the mirror I paused for a moment and looked at it.

The Trainer looked back at me.

You stay off the cakes boom-boom.

I snorted at my reflection and stepped into the shower.

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Haha as far as I see you in the pictures, you ain't looking fatty o.O
Btw nice editing to your picture ;P

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Lol, sssh. Cheers!

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okay m(' ')m

Typical that your coach insults you to try harder and actually what it does is discourage with these criticisms :(

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Unless your coach is yourself!!!

Ooh, Boom-Boom cakes...Are You addicted to those Special Sweet Darlings ?

Uuh, it is always something, if it is not the bread than are pastries, if are not pastries than sweets, if not sweets often snacks...Never ending list...We have an ugly saying in my country, sorry for the language: "There is always something that bangs the chicken and is not the rooster"

Anyway, great thing to have trainer, although not so eloquent and actually he doesn't need to talk much but to help You do the job...

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Indeed, I think it could be the cakes and the chocolate. I have up smoking a year or two ago and then with the birth of my second child hehe found myself eating more and more rubbish!!!

No more I say!

With that level of insult I figured you either had to be your own trainer or you had someone you knew and trusted with the same wtf sense of humour as an actual trainer doing that probably wouldn't last long XD

How did you feel a few hours after and a day later? :D And have you managed to get in there regularly?

goatsig

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Well today I am as sore as feck!! Hehe, yeah. I wouldn't put up with that from anyone else. It was quite a good technique. Everytime I flagged a little I insulted myself. Got a fair bit extra out of me!

Ahhhh, the best way to whip young grasshopper into shape is to make him stare into his own abyss and see the journey he has before him. If that doesn't work than flinging insults at yourself is the way to go. Either way, get er done!!!!

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You can't beat insulting yourself, you cut right to the quick!!! :0D

First, don't call me Howie, (guess why? Lol!) Just using his account because he has it all nicely set up on his phone which I still have not managed to do...phones hate me!

Fatty boom boom, lolz! I'm sure you'll be kicking that trainer's ass in no time- be like 'say moobs again motherfucker, I dare you'

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Is it Howie or did I dreemit!!!! :0D

Hehe, fatty boom boom is class even when directed at yourself. I will be top of my game for summer. All black and white and grainy looking with abs and shit... :0D

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H
Hellz yeah, rawr!

Dear Sir Across The Sea,
When your trainer is done whupping you into shape, could you please send him MY way?
I could use some help.
Thinking about exercising gave me a headache.
Talking about exercising gave me a dry, sore throat.
Planning out an exercise routine on paper gave me carpal tunnel.
Plotting and graphing my exercise routine in Excel on the computer gave me fuzzy vision and crossed eyes.
I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know where to go from here.
Please help.
Signed,
Dog Tired and Sore, and I Haven't Even STARTED This Crap Yet

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hat is the way to do it though! Plan it out on Excel! I might do it myself!!

We are always our greatest critics, there's no pleasing those bastards! Everywhere you turn, we're looking at ourselves all condescendingly. Why won't they ever let up!? We just want to leave in peace...












live in peace. Do better next time, asshole. You're giving us a bad name!

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He won't give you a break, the bastard!!

You went down the wrong aisle when choosing your trainer. You maybe didn't realise there are two types. You chose a "stick" kind but there is also the "carrot" type. They're very decorative and make you want to do more and more reps, more and more weight, and more and more workouts just to impress them. Or maybe the good lady steered you down the "stick" aisle?

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Hehe, I might have happened on the secret to success, I will keep you updated!

The first and only trainer committed to our physical condition is "oneself"; I think you already understood it "My little grasshopper":


The little grasshopper, Fatty Boom Boom Caine, and his Master Po, Concentrated in training.

The power is in the mind and Fatty Boom Boom has discovered it; now no jokes, no beers, no looking at Carlate, no rudeness: a new meesterboom has been born.

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Wait, Carlate doesn't have to come into it!! :0D

Never been a fan of workouts! I prefer wine and chocolate!

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Oh I know, me too!!! Oh and voting on posts I comment on, god I am terrible for that!!

That trainer sounds terrifying! I hope it will be worth it in the long run...

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He is a mean critter!!

The trainer seems to have an odd way of motivating clients. I need to burn off some abdominal fats too though six pack would be like climbing Everest.

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I think I am facing the same struggle!

I had a hunch about where this is going. I am comfortably on the other side of 40, but some nasty injuries on top of chronic illness have given me my own barriers to fitness.

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In that case don't be harsh on yourself, you have just reason. I'm just lazy

The more you exercise the more you want to eat... just a heads up.

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Oh I know, that's been my excuse :0)

Add a daily 2km swim to your programme. Your trainer is far too lenient, must be very close family or sumptink.

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Hehe, yeah, definitely something :0D

Come on, if you can!

Although many times having a coach can be annoying.
It really is the best thing to be able to do all the routines and see results soon.
I have always tried to do some exercise but laziness wins.
I need a coach too.

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Laziness is a huge enemy. I know from experience!

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Sii! It is the worst enemy.
But you have to beat him.

Although it seems a terrifying coach, many times we need one like that to get in the right direction. Having a good physical fiber and marked requires much tanco commitment with the workout as in food. Without a doubt you will achieve it. Successes !!!!!!! Dear friend @meesterboom
I hope you have a good rest

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We do need that push!!!

Damn! That guy is intense!
You keeping that trainer around? He may be a bit of a hard ass, but sometimes that is what it takes to get some big changes, i guess.

Good luck man!
Stay healthy!😊
@acromott

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Lol yeah, if it works it works! :0)

pump it baby!

upvoted and resteemed

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Consider it pumped! ;0)

you hired a trainer? You are a glutton for the punishment then. You are in your 40s? I would never have guessed with a couple of young uns and maybe you are a cradle robber? How old is you lady? And you didn't mention the chicken wings. Speaking of which, I saw a lady at a party over the weekend with a massive set of them. Reminded me of you. Bahaha. kidding

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The good lady is a little younger than me.. you know what they say, a man needs a younger chick to keep him on his toes!! Hehe

I believe in no time at all with the guidance of the "nice" trainer, you would lose a lot of weight, meesterboom. Don't give up! Upvoted!

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I will be ripped in no time ;0)

It's a coach is bad! @meesterboom
you must find the trainer of nanzo-scoop!
After much exercise you wanted to recover what you lost, but no more sweet no no no.
there is an Argentinean children's song that says: "Si te portaste mal y querés heladito, tendrás que conformarte chupándote un cubito."
to bathe, go to bed to sleep! the second coach comes into action !.
Si no sé qué hacer: se va a su cama.
Hoy no se juega ¡A dormir!
and she reminds you "you can not, you're fat"

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Lol, that seeks like quite a mean song!! I like it though!

Now that I am very close to 50 I suddenly start picking up weight - I have always ate too much but now it becomes a problem - I was looking at a meme where this skinny girl says something like 'feeling skinny is better than the taste of chocolate' or something stupid like that and I just thought whatever bitch.... so now it is winter and I am 'padding' up and who ever does not like it tough luck - good luck with the trainer - you are better than me - I would fire him and not look in the mirror hahaha

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Lol, I know that phrase. It did the rounds of the British media recently. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

What a damaging statement that is!!

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I guess it is true if you are skinny - but I as a big lover of food can just not see it

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Me neither, stuff em!

Hahha, Fatty Boom Boom... lol It looks like your gym experience wasn't as good as the one I just wrote about.

PS. Man Boobs are a serious problem here in the United States. Worse than Ebola

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It's a processed meat thing apparently. Hormones and all that jazz. Or overeating... Or both. It's madness!!!

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Two words. Sports Bra .... lol

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That does come in handy for the masturbating thats for sure :OD

Welcome to the brotherhood of pain!!!

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Hehe, a familiar brotherhood!!

I find some men with (a little bit of) boobs sexy, Jabba.
I hope you keep those, Jabba.
You should have started to work out during winter to warm up, boom boom! Better now than never.

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In that case madam I vow never to lose them and keep them warm and snug for you!!! :OD

It happens that when I do several exercises in one day, I stop to see myself in the mirror but I do not notice the difference in my body and the hard reality is that I did not do much :(

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Insult yourself and you will the difference in no time :0)

Hahaha..nice, funny story. Its sure based on real life for me. Have been trying to get rid of the fat forever and my trainers are not particularly fond of me.

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Nobody calls me Fatty Boom Boom....

Very useful. Thanks for sharing this post with us and wishing you an great day. Stay blessed

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Aye, yer maw