Hitting reset
It was almost a year ago that I wanted to end it and now I have almost gone full circle.
I have been feeling useless lately. I have lost whatever passion I have in the career I have in HR because I feel lately that whatever I am doing is not making any difference.
Management does whatever it wants without caring for people.
Maybe I am just naive of wanting a balance between the bottomline and the welfare of the people. Maybe I am not cut out for being a person who cares and being in business.
Sometimes I envy those people where they love where they work and have supportive bosses that mentor and care for them.
I sometimes envy that they are able to flourish in an atmosphere that makes them happy. Yet I continue to try to find a place where I can belong.
Things often start out well. Then I see the cracks, hear the snide remarks and witness the actions that say otherwise and I get disappointed.
Then the disappointment turns to apathy as I am left to not be able to do anything. Apathy turns to loathing as I helplessly rage against not being able to do anything.
This feeling just makes me so mad and then the anger leaves me weak and unable to function.
I stare aimlessly at my screen. It affects my work and I miss out on things. Before long I know when I am being managed out. Loss of trust, absences, deliverables not meet. I listen to them drone on and on as I aimlessly stare at their faces.
I am broken.
Sometimes I think I should just hit the reset button and hope for a better start or at least one with lowered expectations.
Maybe it is time because I really don't know what else to do.
Hi @maverickinvictus. Why did you take the job? Was it a means to make money so you could do other things that you love? Do you like most of the people that you work with? Do you have alternative ideas on what you would like to do, a "dream job" perhaps?
I know many artists that have a job in food service or carpentry so that they can pay the bills to do what they love. Some play in a band, others act on stage, and still others do some sort of fine art painting.
Everyone has a slump. I do hope that you can find something that makes you excited to be alive.
Take care and be well.
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Those feelings suck. In my humble opinion and it's easy from this side of the screen, I know I don't know you, sometimes it's like this:
End result: you don't really lose energy from your job, you just do it without expectations, getting it to pay your rent. BUT you gain energy from all the things you do after work hours, you will still have some energy for it since you didn't lose it at your job, and at the end of the day/week/month you're in a 'plus'.
Now I know it's easier said than done and if we were face-2-face it would be way easier to go through all the 'yeah, but...' things that I know are there as well. Just wanted to share it and who knows if it will stick somewhere in your brain and helps you somewhere along the way.
Good luck, if it seems like there's no way out, sometimes the only thing you should do is just 'get out of there'. Closing one door sometimes really opens another.
Hang in there @maverikinvictus. I feel the same exact way. I actually had my mom tell me that any job I have had the issues I had were my fault and that is why I have never been able to be happy anywhere. I will always find something wrong or some reason to be angry. Her answer to me when I asked how to fix it. She told me I couldn't because that is how I was built. I have always been this way my entire life.
It's odd how much alike we are. We're classified as high functioning with that 'label' most people don't understand. We think because we can function at an above basic level that everyone else can. We cannot comprehend why companies don't want to do anything to make their businesses better or care about who they employ. All any company wants is a monkey to come in be beat up, do as they're told, not to ask questions and be as quiet as a mouse. It's not possible for us. We have a higher level of empathy, passion and pride. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. I try to understand why I feel so much differently than others and how to fix it. It's not in me to be mediocre. It's not like me to ignore situations. I guess until I can 'settle' I'll never be happy where I am.
I don't feel like I make a difference anywhere, even here. I have a few friends besides most of my family I know care about me, yet when I want to do something everyone backs out. I get clear cut signs of (or what I see it as) people don't want to be around me.
The one thing I have learned is fuck everyone else. I am not going to or be able to change myself to your liking. I have a hard enough time liking me. So that's what I'm working on. I can't fix anything and just seem to make matters worse.
Yesterday the owner came in late as usual. Said 'Hi' to everyone in the room except me. I already feel invisible, that helped even more. You can like I do, start singing 'Whatever' by Godsmack in your head LOL.
Mav, I don't know if this will make any difference or not, but I know that we often don't see ourselves as others see us. And sometimes we make a huge difference in someone's life, but we don't think we did anything that was a very big deal. You are one of hte first people I met on Discord, and I was awed by your energy and especially your caring. I watched how you interacted with others and the help and support you were always there to give. It made a difference, for so many newbies trying to find their way. People who need to do well here for their very survival. And you were there.
Notthat many people get to touch that many lives and make a difference. I watched as you did that, and admired and respected you for that ability and that level and depth of caring about your fellow human beings.
If your bosses can't see the value of your contributions, that's on them. There is no reason or need to put their burden on your shoulders or blind yourself with their unseeing eyes. There are too many of us who see you differently. You are loved, because you care. You are respected because you give of yourself. And that is the most worthy achievement any man can have in this world.
I hope you find the courage to leave a place which no longer help you as a human being. Hugs, Mav! Always cheering on you!