My relationship with an indigenous Kuna man of Panama brought up all my craziness, showed me that I am a mess and have no business
being in an intimate relationship with anyone.

I am positive that this intimacy issue began when I was a child. My short, award winning story of how I got so messed up is here for you to view. Daddy Couldn't Kill Me It's a quick read and will seriously surprise you.

After his consistently "chasing" me for weeks his charm overcame me and I finally gave Fabio "the time of day", informing him I had just broken up with a boyfriend of several years. I had come to Panama to get away and process my breakup. I needed to heal from my broken heart so was dangerous for me to get involved with anyone right now but I would love to be his friend.

Another truly surprising and mind blowing, award winning story that I wrote is





Buying Back My Kuna which tells the story of I how I met him and an incredible experience we had together that further sealed our conflicting feelings.

Not long after becoming "friends" we started sharing intimacies.





I asked him to keep our relationship secret because this was happening while I was working but the truth is I was embarrassed to be having anything to do with a man I was telling myself was beneath me. Classic snobbery and self deception.

We both were lying to ourselves and each other. Both of us did shitty things to each other to repel our true emotions. It seemed that the more I resisted the feelings that were growing for him the more they persisted. It was the classic, "what you resist, persists". It left me heavy with a strong tie to him but simultaneously needing to desperately run and hide from myself, vow to never go near him again and certainly never be intimate with him again. Continuing with him, I was sure, would be the ultimate in self-abuse.

I was relieved to get on the plane, fly back to the United States and get as far away from him as possible. Safely away from him I could focus on other parts of my fucked up life and relationships. The Garden of Eden was my refuge.





Thank God for my community who accepts me in all my craziness. Soon I was able to find peace within myself and rarely thought about Fabio.





However, the backpacking journey that I am currently on has been a dream of mine since I was about 40 years old.





On the 29th of September 2017, this month, I will be 53. While living at the community I continued to plan my journey through Latin America and even setting a "penciled-in" date for departure.

The travel story contest that @papapepper posted was a great opportunity to tell the world my story about Fabio, get it written down and on the blockchain as I planned to write, photograph and blog my experiences all the way through my journey. For an entire week I did almost nothing but write our story. The result of posting this story had unexpected consequences.

A few months before writing the story Fabio began casually chatting with me again. It was no longer dangerous. My resolve to stay away from him was solidly in place and I felt at peace with our minimal communication. It was light and easy. What's really interesting though is the communication we were having shifted the day I started to write our story. Like an unseen energy began to grip us, everything changed. It's like he knew I was thinking deeply about him again, energetically over thousands of miles drawn together.

We started talking about what happened between us before, how we we hurt each other and were frightened of our feelings and connection. This is when we apologized to one another and confessed our confusion and hurt. During the week of writing our story I went back over every detail of our experience in my mind and refelt everything. It's like he could hear what I was thinking and feeling, like writing the story re-tied our connection, picking up where we left off.

Early in the day before I posted Buying Back My Kuna I sat with my dear friend and adopted sister, Shellie @everlove





and confessed to her that all those feelings I had for Fabio I thought I had smothered to death were all resurfacing as a result of writing the story and explained to her about how we magically started really talking again over the past week. Later that afternoon I posted my Kuna story blog. What happened next left me shocked.

Later that night, after I posted the story Fabio came online and asked me to marry him. I never told him I was writing the story. I never told him it was posted. It was like an invisible communication was happening between us, like he knows my heart without me having to say anything. Today, as he is only a few blocks from me, working at his store, our bond is stronger than ever and he continues to wait for my answer to his proposal.

SInce I was not really in a relationship with him other than being friends there is no way I can say "yes". The whole concept of boyfriend/girlfriend has come to feel barbaric to me, not really wanting to participate in anything like that, let alone marriage so I did the only thing I could think of. I needed to talk to Quinn. He always has a unique perspective.

Quinn advised me to research marriage and immigration laws and procedures for Panama. As a result I learned that Panama is much more matriarchal than the USA. Because the island and coastal property that Fabio owns is in the reservation for his people, the Guna Yala, I would be equal owner as well as permanently allowed to reside in the Panama region. If he dies or divorces me I will receive either all or partial ownership of the properties. These are properties that are otherwise unavailable to be purchased by anyone not Kuna. Also, Fabio has told me that as his wife, on the islands, I will receive much respect. Already the people respect me because I "bought my Kuna back" from the chief and with that respect coupled with being his wife we will make a very good team together in the Kuna world.

Now my backpacking journey is blended with a pilgrimage for love. For more details on this, I posted a blog entitled Should I Marry the Kuna?. All the while traveling through Mexico, Guatemala, El Salvador, etc. I continued to communicate with him, our relationship becoming closer and closer. At some point I agreed to commit to him. At first, it was really uncomfortable to refer to him as my boyfriend. As our relationship grows deeper it feels more and more normal. After more than 4 months of travels we finally reunite.

Fabio journeyed from Boquete, Panama to the Pacific coast of Costa Rica to meet me four months after my journey began.





We enjoyed 9 days there hosted by a good friend from Texas





with a home near the beach.





Still protecting my heart, I observed Fabio for a few days.





His demeanor, I concluded, was so genuine and vulnerable that soon I opened my heart a little more, letting him in.
I can see myself growing old with him and it feels good.
We spent our days meditating on the peaceful ocean view,





talking through many things and





making jewelry together.





Our host took us to the beach several times





and a day of hanging out in the waterfalls, streams and rivers.











These days there were truly a beautiful gift of time to get reacquainted after three and a half years of separation.





In my head I was feeling good about everything but my blind heart was still full of fear as I learned in the days following his return to Panama.

After he journeyed back to Panama he had no communication with me for several days.





Of course, I started imagining the worst, totally freaking out, feeling abandoned and used. The world around me was glazed over with despair and a bleeding heart.

I was numb.

After about three days of self-inflicted suffering I began to breath again. At this point I remembered something very important, something that my relationship dysfunctions had eclipsed from my sensibilities. This man is deeply in love with me, he always returns to me...always.

I need to chill the fuck out! There is a logical reason to why he is not talking to me. Soon I began to find peace and take responsibility for my craziness. Looking within I saw that I am perpetuating abandonment because this is my life story but I can change that now. I have the power to stop seeing myself as a victim and remember who I am, a strong spirited woman whose name is Love.

After about five days, late at night, Fabio finally contacted me, explaining that he didn't have any internet and was absorbed in working. At this time I had resolved to continue my journey south regardless of my relationship with the Kuna. Knowing in my heart he always returns to me I decided to linger around in the northern area of Panama a few days to give us an opportunity to either find closure or resolve whatever the fuck was going on. Since Fabio had become aware of my craziness it was no surprise when he communicated that we need to step back and just be friends. However, he also communicated that he still wants to see me and even have me stay with him at his place.

Tears rolled down my face as I messaged him that I would like to see him but I will be staying in a hostel, not with him. How could I respect myself and pretend that I feel nothing but friendship for him? I could feel his hurt by this proclamation while I explained that I cannot meet your friends and family and be a part of our San Blas Islands project and remain "only friends". That would be emotional torture, I told him. All the while, I know in my heart that as soon as we are together again our shared magic will cast its spell upon us again.

The reply he gave me to my decision to stay in a hostel was, "if that's what you want...". Throughout all of my explaining why I can't stay in his home he repeated himself at least three times. After wiping my tears and taking a deep breath I found the courage to tell him what I was really feeling. The vulnerability oozed out, feeling I really I had nothing to lose now.

"No, Fabio! That is not what I want. That is not what I want at all." I conveyed. "I am in love with you and our dreams of building a life together in the San Blas Islands. What I truly want is for you to forgive me for my craziness, understand that I have been very scared and have had trouble trusting my heart, therefore you. I want to share your bed, your life and start again." He felt it. He felt my sincerity and honesty. I could almost hear him exhaling through our online messages. My emotions surfaced heavily as I read that he is now reconsidering his resolve. The river of tears gushed from my eyes. Now he says he is confused so I tell him to just forgive me so we can get on with it. "Nobody is perfect", was his reply and agreed, I am forgiven.

We made plans to meet in Boquete at the central park. The buses were really slow so he sat in the park waiting for me at least 2 or 3 hours. As of today, I have been here about 2 1/2 weeks and met many of his friends. Also, I have been promoted to project manager for our business dreams. An American couple has made a significant investment in the project and have welcomed me into the union with open arms and loads of inspiration.





Our relationship continues to grow stronger, he's sexier to me everyday, our trust grows deeper while our faces reveal our growing joy as both his friends and mine tell each of us they can see how happy we are.











It's ironic that the man who drove me to celibacy and renounce all intimate relationships, years later, is the one whose love is the catalyst for healing my childhood traumas and opening my heart to love in a way I have never allowed myself to feel before.

Although I have never been intimate with Quinn Eaker, in all honesty, I have to give him credit for





destroying my icy heart by putting up with so much shit from me while pushing me out of my self-loathing during all the countless times I felt like I wanted to die.





The space he and my family at the Garden of Eden gave me taught me how to truly love myself and let love in.





Yes, you can choose your own family and I choose them.





Due to my deep respect and love for my chosen family





I have still not given Fabio an answer to his marriage proposal. In my heart I cannot make a final decision until my GoE family meets Fabio, gets to know him and gives me their blessing.

My Kuna and I are scheduled to make the three day journey to the San Blas Islands in a couple weeks where we will build traditional Kuna buildings





to house guests and volunteers in search of adventure.





Also, we will create a restaurant that sources wild food from the jungle and sea as well as the several acre organic garden we are creating.
Volunteers will learn to build Kuna style homes,





dive for lobster, harvest coconuts, hunt in the jungle, dance like a Kokopelli, row a canoe and much, much more.





In addition, I am looking for an assistant to work with me on the many aspects I have taken responsibility for. Level of experience is not as important as enthusiasm and desire to be adventurous and learn. Many aspects of the project have yet to be determined until I actually arrive at the islands and begin work.
Aspects known though would be
photography,
blog writing,
website construction and upkeep as well as
assisting with the management of casita construction,
jewelry making,
cooking,
household management,
taking trips to the mainland for supplies, and even
assisting with the line of tourist wear we are developing.
Any skills you bring to the table will be considered.





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