Greetings loyal followers. It has come to my attention that your planet is conducting something called the "Golden Steem Awards". Because these awards are for some form of greatness, of course I have been nominated.
Before I continue this transmission about my inevitable victory in this contest, here's a quick word from our sponsor.
Back to this "contest". Why am I using your planets annoying "air quotes" when I refer to this "contest"? Because anything involving me really isn't a contest at all. It is more like a "who wants to get crushed by the inevitable victor Lord Vader". But that is quite a mouthful (especially when you have to speak so slowly through a respirator all the time). I am simply the best at every contest. For example, take pod racing. Even as a 9 year old child I was the best pod racer around. I even beat this freakshow who basically has four hands.
Yep I beat this thing
Now, the poor guy. You’ve got to see this guy. He's got all these arms and he's like, "Eh eh eh eh I don't know how I drive! I don't remember!". At east I think that is what he is like because I don't really remember how many hands he has. I mean I have never really met him. Despite having one of the all-time great memories I certainly do not remember him. Actually let's just move on.
When it comes to competitive Emperor tossing, I am second to none.
I think he may actually still be flying...
And of course, in my galaxy's very competitive and lucrative "screaming 'no' competitions", I simply cannot be beat.
I can scream this all damn day
But those contests are in my galaxy. Here are some that I have won in yours...
There is the unicycle-bagpipe biathlon. I have won this "contest"17 years in a row.
The year I did not win was because some dimwit stepped on my bagpipes and broke them. But I simply force choked anyone who touched the trophy so I still have it.
I also juggle... like a BOSS!
If you look closely you can pick out which one of these guys is alive
I even bested your Yoda-sized "champion" in something called basketball...
In your face Earthling!
But back to the Golden Steem "contest"
It appears that I have been nominated for something called "Best Original Fiction". I must admit that even though I am far more intelligent than any of you, I am a bit perplexed by the title of this category. In my galaxy "fiction" means: "something that describes imaginary events and people". Clearly in your galaxy the word "fiction" means something else. I am guessing it mean "transmission in the history of time". Yes that must be it. Clearly the category in which I am nominated is "Best Original Transmission in the History of Time". That sounds right. I will just assume there is a problem with our translation device... again! Dennis! Get in here and fix this thing! (If Dennis weren't Vera's brother in law, he'd be wearing his intestines as a belt by now).
Anyway... if you would like to avoid any Imperial entanglements, I strongly suggest you go to this transmission and vote for me.
Everyone behind me will be voting for Lord vader... if they know what is good for them.
I do think it's cute that you are going through the process of voting for these awards. We all know I can't possibly lose.
Unless the voting is rigged!
That is it. This is a sham! The voting is going to be rigged for sure. I bet that dead people are going to vote for my competitors. No. Dead people will absolutely vote. I know it. I've looked at the phony preliminary data and it shows me losing. How is that possible?! Oh yeah... my opponents have the dead person vote all tied up. To be fair, I personally killed most of these dead people so that would be understandable... if they were allowed to vote! Now that I think about it, this is actually going to be tough. We have to beat a totally dishonest machine.
Some argue that this voting will be on the up and up. But large scale voter fraud has been happening for years. Why do your leaders deny what is going on? It is so naive!
I think I need to send some of my followers to oversee this process to ensure that it is not rigged and that I win... like I clearly deserve to. If I do happen to lose, we all know the "winner" will be an illegitimate winner because she only won because of wide scale voter fraud. It makes me so mad just thinking about it that I want to punch someone.
In closing, vote for me because I am the best. When I win, not only will I get my well deserved rewards, it will also prove that the system is not rigged.