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Steemit

So awesome, we count everything in billions...for some reason.

The Empire's legal department has informed me that in my earliest transmissions, there was a problem with the translation from Galactic Basic to your "English" language. I'm sure you think the languages are exactly the same, but you would be so very wrong. You would look incredibly stupid saying that, so please just don't. Our technology allows Glactic Basic to be translated into your vernacular. However, thanks to the incompetence of someone in our IT department, the technology faltered a bit when I first began transmitting. Needless to say, Nick the IT guy is now Nick the pile of dust.

Maybe it's because you didn't update to Steem 0.14.2 genius!
(SNL Studios)

Although much of the transmission was beamed without any problems, there were a few words that were translated incorrectly. I believe in your language you call these "swear words", "curse words", or "profanity". I assure you that there is no need for me to stoop to using such vulgarity in order to express myself.

I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but I am incredibly smart. I mean really smart. So smart that I don't even think your tiny minds can handle my brilliance. This is one of the reasons why I don't always explain the specifics of plans that I have. They are just so brilliant that I am afraid your minds would melt just trying to comprehend the first layer of them. So obviously, I can express myself without using obscenities.

Now that Nick has been replaced by Dennis (who just happens to be my shining light Vera's brother in law), I am confident that the technology will not fail me again. As a result, I am going to retransmit a properly translated version of my first transmission. The legal department has assured me that this will not violate something your planet calls "plagiarism" laws... because you can't plagiarize yourself. Although I have heard, that if you attempt to plagiarize yourself, you may go blind.

On to the properly translated transmission.

Not a single one of you can even see the screen can you?

First of all, I know I don't technically run the Empire. My boss does. But do you really think that old, shar pei looking jerk does anything? Be honest. Does he even look like he can wipe his own butt? He sits there and scares people with his super charged, force driven, old man smell while I do all the real work. By the way, did you ever leave a bandaid on for too long? Maybe even go swimming with it on? When you take it off, the skin is all pale and wrinkly. It also has quite a distinct and putrid smell. Well that is my boss's whole freaking body all the freaking time!

Pretty gross right? This is my boss's body from head to toe.

Anyway about running an empire. Let's take today's meeting as an example. Which took place on a mother loving Sunday thank you very much! I'd like to do stuff with my family too... like hunt them down and kill them.

Ok back to the meeting. It should have been a very straightforward meeting. It was with me and a top military advisor. We have just built the ultimate power in the universe (next to the Force of course... stupid military dimwits). It can blow up an entire planet. Let that sink in. It can blow up an entire filthy, alien covered planet.

There were like 47 rebel scum on this planet. Seems like a reasonable response.
(20th Century Fox)

So of course I'm like BOOM! Let's bust this baby out and take it for a spin! There are a ton of lesser beings I want to smoke. They deserve it simply because they are different than me.

So I asked my advisor, "We have this amazing weapon. Why can't we use it whenever and wherever we like?" His response was something like "Boo hoo hoo, I'm too soft and cuddly, I'm a wussy." And then he said "My Lord. It doesn't work that way". Forget that! Bam! Force choke!

Are you sure it doesn't work that way?
(20th Century Fox)

I called to my assistant, Vera who happens to be a delightful woman, to send in the next military advisor in line. He came in and yada, yada, yada, I asked the same question. He gave the same stupid "It doesn't work that way" nonsense answer... so I used the force to crush his stupid head between two crates that were laying around for some unknown reason. I happen to have great luck finding heavy stuff just lying around waiting to be thrown with the force when I need it.

Vera sent in the third (she really is a sweetheart). I readied myself and said, "Before we get started, whatever you do, don't you freaking dare say the words 'It doesn't work that way' to me"! "If you even think it, I will use the force to pull your butt over your head! And I'll know!" So I asked my question. The advisor (we'll call him "Chuck") nervously stammered, "Well you see my Lord if we use this weapon, every planet is going to be outraged. Even the planets that like us will think we are completely insane. It will cause more of them to join the Rebellion. Even our old friends will want to attack us. In addition, the debris caused by the exploding planets will destroy nearby planets as well. You see the debris just doesn't stay in one place. It will spread and cause all sorts of damage. Also, there may be innocent beings on the planets. We can't just kill millions of innocent beings. It's a really bad idea my Lord. The more we tighten our grip, the more star systems will slip through our fingers."

Miramax

Well allow me to retort, "Well then, can't we just blow up all the planets?"

Chuck said "It doesn't work th...".

Lightsaber to the eye socket.

Conversation over.

So I guess I'm not blowing anything up today.

Maybe I'll just go and knit something nice for Vera...

Pink really is her color. Who am I kidding? Everything is Vera's color.
geeknormal

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