I did read the whole thing, actually. I don't always read every word of the "longer" posts (not that this is that long), but I like your style of writing. And more importantly, this was very disarming and beautiful. And not so sad and depressing as it was sort of reassuring I guess, to see the growth you have gone through. Like it's not all bad.

I am not sure if watching people die is the best approach for the soul. You're going to have memories of them after they pass either way but which memories are the best to get left with? You are the survivor, they are gone.

This made me cry. I think a lot of people feel really guilty about this very thing. But in my experience, the people who pass on would much rather you remember them the way they were than the way they died. If that's any consolation.

I'd put it into a dialogue with gramps and ask him in your head, like what you think he would have said back. And I betcha he'd say something like, "Son, I know you were there. I'm glad you stayed home. You didn't need to see me like that. I had your parents to take care of me. I want you to remember me the way you do now. Good on 'ya."

I think as a boy, you deserved that right. As an adult, perhaps the responsibility shifts a little, but the concept is the same. I can't say I know what I'd do in that situation. I've never have anyone deteriorate like that. But either way, thanks for sharing your story.

As far as your wife, it sounds like you are handling it perfectly.