I am inherently lazy person.
No, not in the good, inventor-ish way.
My laziness is of the wrong kind. The kind that keeps me repeating ineffective processes just because I am used to them.
Laziness that keeps me pressing F5 and waiting for someone else's status update to feed my brain.
It zombifies me. I can feel my brain getting dumber every minute. And I hate it.
I used to be a great bookworm – I could sit all day and read one book after another. Then I grew up and became sort of a gamer (even before books I used to be one; I got to the reading quite late, but in my oldest memories there is the old Sinclair and games my dad made for me).
I always distracted myself in dream realities and when I discovered social networks, my way to become a full time F5 pressing zombie has begun. But I beat my inner zombie. And now I want to share with you my way of dealing with her.
My old useless me
Beating my nature and becoming the person I want to be took a long time so far. And I am still at the beginning.
It is a path full of falls and giving up – but as they say, failing is the best way to the success.
I didn't have the worst life start and I had no excuse to be such a useless piece of person. But I was.
I didn't think I would be capable of doing anything good.
To be a real big world person. In fact, I remember my childhood as a series of failing and sucking at everything, so I basically gave up on being good at something before even trying, and I started my career as a dishwasher.
I spent most of my free time on the internet and part of me was charmed with all of the possibilities. With the idea who I could become, just if.
Just if I would be born as different person.
Just if I would't be such a useless piece of nothing.
That was eight years ago.
Today I am a different person. Today I am capable of doing stuff.
My achievements are not the greatest. But I have still hard time to believe how much I've changed.
One of my short-stories has been published and I am working on a book. I have a great job and my own cool projects.
I am even finishing things and now I know that I can. I can do and learn most of the things I want to. I just have to keep going. And not to get discouraged.
How reading self-improvement articles did (not) help me
GTD, productivity, zen habits, to-do lists, habit gamifications apps...
It was my life.
I read the hell out of every article promising to improve my life and to make me a better person – the kind of person that gets things done.
I was regular on anti-procrastinations talks getting motivation injections. Getting excited to try newly learned mechanics just give up on them two days later.
My frustration grew bigger. How come everyone else can but me? Am I really so useless? Is something wrong with my brain? I even diagnosed myself with adult ADD and many other things that could explain it.
I was just a spoiled brat.
I thought I could become a new person just like that. I was so much disappointed with myself because I hadn't.
But all the time I was growing.
Progressing without noticing.
Yes – I was working on myself for two days and then gave up and fell into the zombie mode for much longer.
But with the time the two days were accumulating alongside with the knowledge and experiences and I was slowly becoming the person I dreamt about.
Was it the articles that made the magic?
But I think it was the moments of actual learning and doing than procrastinating by reading about procrastination.
The big change
So what happened?
I am tempted to say I don't know. But that would make all of the previous words useless. And also I actually do know.
I began noticing.
I didn't wash dishes for living anymore.
People started asking me to write for them and as I wrote I learned even more. Mostly about how much I didn't know. I was having fun and even making some money.
That was the big change.
I've realized how far I've gotten and suddendly it was easier to keep going.
I am by far not perfect and my goals are far ahead of me. But now I know I can.
When I slip up, it doesn't take months to get back on track, but days.
I could say to my old me it was so easy. That I should just do something for few days in a year and don't sweat it, don't be mean at yourself and so on. But it wouldn't help. I wouldn't belive myself and I would be drowning in marches of self-loathing anyway. And what more, it isn't even the whole truth.
I don't know where I would have been if my life had taken another direction.
But the biggest and fastest turn in my life came in the moment I've changed everything.
First I have given up on dependency of living with someone.
Later I have given up on relationships. I figured out they are dragging me down and keeping my freedom away from me.
I have given up on social networks and notifications addiction (sort of).
And I (sort of) have given up on alcohol and sugar.
That sounds bit radical even to me.
But the truth is that I am not the kind of person who can have everything. I am too lazy for it.
So I've chosen to follow my dreams instead of the little green elf.
I am not going to live in this calibratory way of life forever and I am still searching for the perfect balance, but giving up on those things, at least for a while, has cleared my mind.
And I finally have the chance to find myself, which is, I belive, impossible, when you are dependent on other people or substances that make you feel happy.
So, if you are at the same place I was, just don't give up.
Do a little work. Learn a bit.
It pays of.
My inner zombie is still creeping in me, but now I can beat her anytime I want.
This is my first and sort of introductory article. I hope your eyes didn't hurt too much, I have never took a proper English lessons and this is, in fact, my first longer English text. :-)