PTSD, 12 tallboys, and 2 packs a day. This is the reality.
I'm kind of ashamed to write this post. Also, a little scared to let others into my reality of dealing with PTSD. But something has to change...
I wrote one blog post today and continued with my research into Post Traumatic Stress Discorder(PTSD) and optional treatments. I also tried some meditation and actually have eaten twice today. It's not unheard of for me to go days without eating. Additionally, I wanted to clean my office so I could focus on my writing.
Cleaning the Office
It's kind of strange. I feel like the tunnel vision I have had since I quit counseling and resumed drinking is kind of being lifted. It's why when I stepped into my office after days of being outside of it, I felt ashamed. "I was raised better than this", I kept telling myself as I was filling a whole bag up with beer bottles and empty packs of cigarettes while looking at the beer caps and cigarette butts on the floor. This is when I stopped and decided I have to own this. I have to own this dark reality I live in and I began taking pictures.
Welcome To My World
All I can say is here is the shameful nastiness I have put myself in...and to think this picture is after some cleaning.
I have barely left the office for over a year. Literally, I sit in here and drink beer, while smoking cigarettes. I can't tell you how many days I just sit in here in the dark, because I just can't face the world. It's a harsh wake up call when you have scenes like these...
Piss Cups
Not only is this downright shameful and disgusting....but that piss does not look healthy.
Disgusting Ashtray With Beer Caps
I'm not gonna lie. This ashtray is pretty clean compared to the norm. It's usually overflowing with cigarette butts, beer caps, and vomit from drinking too much.
Beer Bottles Behind The Desk
When I was cleaning up all the beer bottles and I had to get behind my desk to throw away more empties is when I decided to stop for a minute and start taking pictures. This bottle is the last of the Mohicans.
Four of Many Empty Cigarette Packs Laying Around
If drinking doesn't kill me....two packs a day will. I have to find healthier ways to manage my stress. One thing at a time I keep telling myself. Quit drinking first...then cigarettes. The day will come.
The Cat Who Adopted Me
I want to end this on a high note. This cat,who we now call Terrance( from Angry Birds), adopted me a few weeks ago. I live in the middle of the country and this dude this shows up one day. I'm not a big fan of animals( I can barely take care of myself), but this guy has a personality of its own. It will talk to you and sounds just like Terrance from the movie Angry Birds. It came into my office one day, laid beside me, and has been here ever since. It's like he knew I needed someone. It's affection has been unconditional and it's strange to deal with. It's hard loving something when you don't even feel like you love yourself.
The point of the cat picture is a reminder that brighter days are ahead. Sure, there will be days I still feel negativity and unbearable stress....but I hope my journey of self discovery and battling this monster will hopefully inspire others to conquer their inner demons. Also...you support and motivational words are greatly appreciated.
One Last Note
I was recommended a book(Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving) by steemit user @builderofcastles in the comment section of my last post. While I do understand it deals with PTSD in regards to childhood trauma...it contained this poem that I want to end this post with and I feel explains the state I am in now.
When the risk to remain
Closed tightly in a bud
Became more painful
Than the risk it took
To Blossom
-Anonymous
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All pictures by @lexikon082
Anonymous Poem acquired from Pete Walker's Book
I was diagnosed with PTSD back in the early 90s. I used to let my house go, I didn't drink or do drugs, I just didn't have the energy to do much. I found my way out, when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll find you way!
Well put. Your last sentence pretty much sums up the poem at the end of the post. Thanks for your reply and story to add my inspiration/motivation.
Thanks for sharing this. PTSD sounds just awe full.
Sorry to hear about your predicament and that flat brings back some reminiscences for me.......lol. I don't know too much about PTSD but assume it is related to other anxiety disorders. I too have had a long standing anxiety disorder but I'm pleased to say its much better under control nowadays. The problem with these type of disorders is that sufferers tend to self medicate with drink or drugs or something else to use as a crutch to help them cope. I would just like to re-assure you that you won't always feel the way you do if you can give up the drink.....easier said than done I know. I actually really do know having spent many years as a very bad alcoholic, leading to repeated psychiatric interventions, drying out centres and substantial damage to my health. I never thought I'd be able to give up, lost my job, home and family and put everyone through the mill and resigned myself to the fact that it was going to kill me in quite a horrible way.....I was apathetic about death rather than suicidal really.....I didn't feel any particular preference to life or death.....they were essentially equivalent to me.
Anyway, my last drink was 15 years ago and anybody who knew me then would not recognise me now......and not just because I'm a wrinkly old bastard.....lol.
Please believe me when I say that I truly believe you will not always feel this way and keep telling yourself that - this is a period you are going through and you will come out the other side appreciating life.......just don't let it be a 25 yr period like myself....lol
And you call that flat untidy.....you don't know the meaning of the word! Mine was like the inside of a skip with mice running round. - you're a house proud tidy freak by comparison, you got obsessive cleaning disorder or something? Take care man and best wishes
You are correct sir. I have self medicated for a long time. I have sought professional help and at many times the medical professionals have not been able to meet my needs to help me receive medical attention. Hence, why I am trying to figure this damn thing out, that I have been dealing with since 04/05. I do feel my health is also greatly suffering. I have brown spots around my pupils, have night sweats and my side with my pancreas has been hurting for months. Your comment about death is how I feel most of the time and life is not meant to be lived that way. Hopefully, I can figure this out in half the time you did! Thanks for the comment about the office....that was about an hour after cleaning up beer bottles and cigarette packs. My wife takes care of the house and pretty much leaves me in my office(it's outside the house). Thank you for the well wishes sir.
I know what you mean about medical services and they are getting less and less funding from Govt (UK at least). The first areas to be cut are always those that affect the weak and vulnerable - ie Mental Health, Disability and the Elderly. Alcoholism also has quite a stigma associated with it, so its a lot to deal with and keeps you in the spiral of low self-esteem, depression, anxiety etc. Are you able to detox safely by yourself without Librium or have you managed any periods of sobriety only to slip back? How successful have your efforts to give up been to date is what I'm asking really?
To be honest, it wasn't the medical interventions and therapies that actually caused me to stop drinking, although cognitive behavioural therapy did help. The thing that did it for me was learning all about the science and physiology of alcoholism - this helped me understand the nature of the beast I was dealing with. I felt like I must be completely insane because I'd be absolutely certain I would not drink again, then literally within hours I'd be drinking....complete madness! How can this happen I kept thinking, its as if I had two brains or my brain was fighting itself for control of me....I realised I was fighting against my own brain. Reading up about the physiology gave me a real insight into what was going on at the brain level. Essentially one's neo-cortex, the more evolved rational part of the brain is in conflict with the much more primal part of the brain, the amygdala which controls basic instincts and reward mechanisms etc. Both are fighting for control of you, this is why there is a common feeling of a duality going on, or madness. Now knowing my enemy, I could formulate ways to combat it - just knowing I wasn't completely mad and there was a process going on helped a lot.. The trick is to tame the "monkey in your head" and let the Neo-cortex gain more control. The trick is to find ways to slap the monkey down each time he pops his head up (cravings)by various techniques. This is difficult at first but becomes easier. I'd force an image in my head each time a craving hit, say me rattling on the sofa first thing in the am trying to force a can of flat warm strong lager down to stave off the possibility of fitting through withdrawal again. Others would be my sad childrens' faces looking at me etc - force the horrible images to the front of your mind and slap fuck out of the monkey that is 100% determined to kill you.....Anyway, probably waffling on now but just want to try and save you a couple of decades. Know your enemy and then you can arm yourself and plan your attack. It's definitely not easy so resign yourself to that, it's tough and you will slip up, recognise the slips for what they are before they become full relapses, don't beat yourself up and if you do slip, dust yourself off and go back fighting...Good luck
Thank you for your words of encouragement and advice @alkafir. I am currently on day number 4 of being sober. I have not had to take medicine for withdrawals. I have managed to stay sober for months at a time and even once for a little over a year and a half. My stinking thinking tells me...What if you do all this again and then fail down the road again miserably? However, I keep telling myself that I have to do this. This could be my last chance. The three things keeping me motivated right now are my wife and 2 children.
That's brilliant with the drinking....remember that it is a very slippery slope with an inevitable outcome. Sounds like things haven't progressed too far along the slope yet so that's great news. Your thought patterns appear to be the main issue. Try to forget all the what if's and when you catch yourself thinking this way try to do something to distract yourself. The thing you are describing is anxiety and your negative thoughts feed on themselves and tend to spiral out of control. This can lead to panic attacks which from my experience feel like your hearts racing with an accompanying very strong feeling of impending doom. There are some treatments such as using anxiolytics or anti- depressants but if you can do without then I would. Again, understanding the physiology of anxiety/panic attacks is a good way to learn how to deal with it. It is basically the body's "fight or flight" reflex being triggered without any actual threat being present.
Try to take your mind off things by keeping busy and your mind occupied and also learn relaxation techniques. Just take baby steps, give yourself a pat on the back for the 4 days, reward yourself, don't dwell on feelings like guilt, low self worth etc. No ! - Don't beat yourself up with all the "I should be's" - its the worst thing you can do, trust me.
You are a worthwhile human being, no less than ANYBODY else, value yourself, love yourself and keep re-enforcing these thoughts until eventually you will believe it and rid yourself of the negative thoughts. Think about how your wife is still with you, she must see the real you behind the curtain, think of the life ahead of you with your children. You have a wonderful life ahead of you once you get through this period. Sorry if I sound a bit preachy.....I'll leave you alone now. Look after yourself.....seriously, everything else will follow. Take care
Thanks for your reply @alkafir. I appreciate your encouragement and the suggestions of "tools" to add to my toolbox. The reply was not too "preachy", but thanks for thinking of someones feelings or response to your words.