Day 7: Conquering another day sober with PTSD.
One of the hardest dilemmas of PTSD, for me, is shaking the moods I sometimes find myself waking up in. Some days I wake up feeling fine and others I wake up angry and pissed off at the world or super edgy or sad ; even terrified to put descriptions on a few. The dilemma I find myself in when I wake up in one of these moods is no matter what I can’t seem to get my mind and body to enter a different state of feeling. It’s very frustrating because many times I am self aware of what I am feeling and know there has not been a recent set of circumstances to put me in that mood.
Today I woke up with a feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Every action or task seemed to come with a big sigh of breath followed by a long exhale. I noticed it when my wife asked me what was wrong after looking for a coffee cup this morning. I just looked at her with a puzzled look on my face and asked “What do you mean?” “You were just sighing”, she said. “I had no idea I did that”. At the time I didn’t notice. But sure enough. As the day progressed I caught myself doing it quite a few times.
The last few days
It’s been two days since I have written on Steemit. I would say it was a combination of being unmotivated, wanting to spend time with my family, and reflecting on the past year. Oh and trying to avoid drinking like the black plague (back to that later).
For the longest time(2 years?) I really haven’t focused on the bills. If there was a card in my wallet and I needed beer or cigarettes I used it and then paid my credit card payments. I have truly been in a state of fukitol for a while. I knew I was doing a lot of drinking, but I didn’t care about the consequences because beer has been dulling the pain/ rage /guilt/sadness I feel inside.
On Saturday my wife and I sat down to do bills and put together a plan to extinguish some debt. I knew it was bad, but not this bad. If there was ever something I wish no one would ever have to go through is seeing the look of sadness mixed with anger that was in my wife’s eyes as she laid out 5 figures worth of credit card statements in front of me with 90% of the charges being from a gas station. I do have to say this little POW WOW put a ding in my self esteem (didn’t realize it could get any lower) and put a huge weight on my scales of emotional sadness and guilt. An even bigger greater bummer Is I don’t even have an expensive beer gut to show for it.(Got to laugh, Or I just might cry).I’m not trying to wallow in my own self pity, but that is how I felt after doing the bills. No one ever said trying to stay sober while figuring out this PTSD monkey would be easy. I would say facing reality and surveying the path of destruction I have sewn will be as challenging as learning to live a productive, happy life with PTSD.
So, after being hit with the sledge hammer of my drinking debt reality; I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was in a state of shock, self disgust, and disbelief that I had let drinking and isolation come this far. The truthful part is I could taste the beer in my mouth and the thought of escaping my reality with a trip to the store was hanging over my head like a black cloud waiting to ruin a beautiful spring day.
Pretty much ever since that talk I have been ready to drink. Like at any moment I could break. I’ve been smoking so many cigarettes I probably look like a billowing freight train. I wouldn’t say my mood is foul, I just feel antsy. That’s saying a lot for someone who makes everyone else feel antsy because I can never stay still.
I knew I needed to do something to keep me busy and out of seclusion or I was going to utterly fail by going to get a beer. I spent Saturday night with the family and watched the ball drop on the pullout couch with some popcorn and on Sunday I watched some football and did some sleeping. I kept trying to get myself motivated to do other things around the house or work on my insulation project, but I couldn’t seem to get myself motivated.
Today
As stated previously, I woke up with a weight on my shoulders that I have not woke up with in a long time. While exploring why I feel this way, I do believe it all stems from the talk my wife and I had Saturday regarding the debt I have created trying to avoid the reality of dealing with the symptoms of PTSD by drinking and secluding myself. This extra debt wrench thrown into the mix of maintaining sobriety while exploring avenues of healing is just one that makes me want to kick myself in the ass. The irony of it all…I know better…I have a damn B.S.B.A. in Accounting. I may need to return it.
This morning after realizing( from my wife’s comment)I was feeling major stress I knew I needed to do something to keep me busy. I still had beer on my mind. I decided to take a short walk to release some of the tension and energy I had built up. When I came home I watched the Wisconsin football game, but still could not stop thinking about getting a beer and sitting by myself. I decided to go on another walk.
This time I was going to take a walk at the creek. I don’t drive very much. It’s one of the times I have the most panic attacks. If I drive it’s usually very close distances and luckily there is a creek with a small waterfall within a few mile distance of my house. The rain has been steady the last few weeks and the water was high enough to canoe! I meditated for a while next to the sound of the rushing water over the waterfall. I was slowly starting to think I could conqueror this day. It was almost five o’ clock with no major episodes or drinking. Hell, I had even driven to the creek. That’s a victory in itself.
So, there I was full of confidence and ready to get home. I still had that weight on my shoulders, but it didn’t seem as heavy. I get in the car and start to drive home and there it is… ½ mile on the right hand side of the road….the local country gas station with a big blinking sign… BUD LIGHT.
My mouth starts to water and I make up my mind right there. I’m getting me some beer. Fucking yep. I’m getting me some beer. I am making that turn. I’m already reaching for my wallet.
There goes the first driveway entrance. There goes the second. I just kept driving. I even pressed on the gas. That half mile to the gas station was out of body. The pain in my left side intensified like a reminder of “Hey I am here”. I started thinking about the trip to Veterans Affairs a little over a week ago. I started thinking of my kids’ faces. Thinking of all the time I have spent in seclusion. All the money. All the living I have missed. I just kept driving.
I drove myself home and I sat in this chair and I started typing and listening to some binomial beats and here I sit at almost 1030 pm still sober. I'm gonna make it through today.
What I Learned
I tried to keep myself more physically active to help relieve some of the physical stress I was feeling. I also do believe it helped to relieve some of the stress on my mind by allowing me to focus on something else. I still thought a lot but I was actively engaged in an activity. I also meditated at least once each day. The creek today was especially healthy.
The time I spent with my family and out of isolation has been interesting. Just being around people more has to be healthy. I know I need to get out in the public more(stores/restaurants/large gatherings of people). Just being around my family more is a start.
By focusing on my feelings I believe I was able to pinpoint what was bothering me most. Today I was actually able to identify what was bothering me. Sure, it makes me feel like crap. Sure, it makes me want to drink. But at least I was able to recognize a feeling. It can be very hard to distinguish a feeling when you have a million thoughts/emotions running through your senses.
What I hope
I want to keep building on my the tools I have been developing the last week or so. Meditating and Walking being the main two. I am still currently researching homeopathic practitioners in the area and hope to write about that soon. Additionally, I hope by using blogging as a therapeutic tool that my story will inspire and help others that may be experiencing some of the same things.
If you would like to receive notices of future postings, Please 
.
Drop a tag right now 4 work but 5 do not.
I'm glad you passed the gas station, I know living with PTSD is no fun at all, I got to the point I walked out of work over 1 year ago, and have not been able to go back. There are several others in the same boat, I never really got into drinking that may have helped me a bit, but I know what you mean about the moods, I wake up in that angry mood I can not get anything done, and what ever I try that day seems to fail making my mood even worse. Don't give up hope, there are several of us here with you.
Thanks for the support @smysullivan. Adding and utilizing one "tool" a week is my goal. Eventually I will run out of new tools to add or will have 52 new ways I feel help me to deal with my triggers.
That seems like a great strategy keep it up. I still need to find my triggers but this time of year is the hardest, I was in a war zone with 0 ammo, in the infantry no less, I don't trust the authorities any more.
Not trusting others is one of the biggest negatives of this whole thing. Hard to ask for help when you can't trust others. Letting my guard down and going to Cognitive Processing Therapy with the VA helped me to learn a little about my triggers. Granted the whole experience didn't end the greatest IMO but it started me on the journey I am on now. Hopefully, I can help give you the courage to take the leap towards a positive steps you may have been thinking about.
Thank you for the encouragement!