To all of the adult children of toxic, abusive, and narcissistic mothers struggling with Mother's day!
I am not anti-Mother's day, let me start with that.
I have so many amazing friends that are mothers and I let them all know how important they are and how much I love them. I wish them a happy day and I am genuinely touched to know such amazing mothers exist. I absolutely think they deserve a day to be pampered, loved, and appreciated. I mean, hopefully you appreciate them every day but they deserve a day where we go all out on them. No doubt.
My own Mother's day ordeal.
However for many of us Mother's day hurts. Like, a lot. My feed for the past week has been a bitter reminder of my mother situation. I don't even know what to call it. This woman let me be abused as a child, neglected me, and eventually ran off to protect a person that assaulted me leaving me homeless. So, yeah, to say the least it sucks.
The thing is I used to love my mom really, really fiercely. -I still do love her and that's what makes this all so hard.- I tried to make her feel special and appreciated every day. I took her out to the movies and dinner. I got her presents every birthday and every mother's day. This makes the pain to day worse because every part of me is screaming to show her love and support but rationally I know she is not a good mother and doesn't deserve my love today.
Many other Mother's day situations.
And I am not alone. There are so many people out there with down-right toxic mothers. People who were beaten, abused emotionally or physically. People with alcoholic parents that never put them first. People with parents that abandoned them. People whose parents chose boyfriends over them. The examples are endless. And for many, seeing the reminders all over the internet of how many people out there have amazing, spectacular mothers who guided them through life hurts.
It's not that we aren't happy for our friends. Or at least, speaking for myself, I am elated for my friends. I am so relieved that for the majority (maybe?) this day is one of joy and happiness. Whether because a person has an amazing mom or became an amazing mother themselves. I am really glad. I just also have deep-seated issues based on my abusive past and just thinking of mothers makes my skin crawl, my belly knot up, and bring tears to my eyes.
Society's misguided expectation for people to love their mother.
Many people push people to fix their relationship with their mother. Tell people with abusive moms how their mom loves them and that they should forgive them because they need to love their mom. This is hurtful, and damaging to people who really should not invite their mother back to their life. For many people, it is best to keep their mothers far away and it is perfectly fine to not love a person that abused you. We need to break this stereotype of all mothers being deserving of love. Mothers that put no effort into raising their child or, even worse, actively harm their child do not deserve love.
I see you, hurt people.
I just wanted to extend my love and respect to all those battling with such issues today. You are worthy and deserving of love. You were robbed of a mother and childhood and lacked the guidance every developing human deserves and it is not a reflection of you but your severely damaged mother. Please understand that it wasn't you. I am working on healing my own inner child and with work and diligence we can all repair that damage. But it starts with getting rid of the blame and hatred we often place on ourselves. (((big internet hug))) You are awesome!
Also I have compiled a list of potentially helpful for getting over mother related trauma. Books I either own or plan to buy that I found today while trying to navigate through the land mines.
How to help stop child abuse:
If you think a child is being abused even if you are unsure but suspect it, do something. Many kids are afraid to come forward or have tried to come forward and been repeatedly shot down and ignored, which happened in my case. If you suspect a child is facing abuse report it. Sadly many foster care homes are also abusive which I have also experienced so if you have a really big heart, and a big enough home you could also consider opening your home to foster children and being a child's hope for a future.
You can also volunteer time or money to one of the following organizations:
http://www.networkforgood.org/topics/humanserv/child_abuse/
http://centerforchildprotection.org/meet-needs/volunteers/
https://www.childhelp.org/volunteer-opportunities/volunteer/
Thanks for sharing your story, I have a different outlook on Mother's day now. Stay strong, you are great!
Thank you. And yes, it is tough for many people. Women who want kids and can't have them. People who've lost their mothers tragically, and people with abusive mothers. But I am glad so many wonderful moms are honored. :)
I'm sorry for your situation but she's the loser for not appreciate you, and life sure will take care of that. Some women don't deserve to be mothers. I've close friends that have been In abusive homes, fortunately they are great individuals despite their unlucky childhood.
For a mother to abuse her child like that doesn't make sense to me, especially with the umbilical cord attachment.
Well, it happens.
Thank you for sharing your story lauralemons. I have great gratitude for people who speak out about this ever-present problem of child abuse. For our most vulnerable humans, who cannot immediately seek autonomy at such a young age, to be neglected and abused, especially physically, by those who created such life, is beyond infuriating. Especially when these mothers bring into the family life, abusive, toxic boyfriends who add to the abuse. It is Stomach-churning especially for mothers who know of this abuse, to protect these abusive boyfriends. My hope is that people such as yourself and those in a similar positions, can bring themselves to escape the chains that keep them bonded to such ghastly, abusive mothers, and like the history of the United States, declare yourself Independent. It is a tough endeavor and commitment, but it must be done for your well-being, as the founding fathers saw for their country. Please help yourself, by declaring independence.
Thank you and I actually have cut myself from my toxic mother but that doesn't negate everything immediately. There is psychological damage and heartbreak that will take many more years to work through. Also, it can take many people years to break free from their abusive parents (if ever) unfortunately. But I hope that by sharing my story I can help others.
I hear you and have my own tale to tell that although has a different flavor, it's along the same lines. I appreciate reading your post and the sharing of your perspective and experiences. Those of us with abusive parents often carry guilt when it comes to Mother's or Father's day...we should be more grateful or something and like you, I AM grateful for all the good and love that came from my parents, but I have had to make difficult choices for any adult or child to make. Anyway, thanks so much for the post!!
also, followed and resteemed :-)
I am not grateful for anything that came from my mother. She was a really horrid mother. I do carry a lot of guilt though. I know she is mentally ill, suffering, and was abused herself but grateful I am not. She never should have had kids.
You're welcome and glad it touched you. I will follow back. Thank you for the resteem. <3
Thanks for sharing, I can relate. I was raised by a single mom.. and as an adult male in his 30's.. I understand all to well what it's like being raised by a mother who barely showed compassion, and understanding of my behavior at the time. I hold so much resentment towards that lady.. She treated me and my brother like the husband she never wanted or had.