In this moment, what am I living?
This is a continuation of Defining My Own Life
I have certain unsolicited tools that make it glaringly obvious for me when I am not living effectively. Biofeedback in the form of migraines and OCD mainly. For the rest I have to rely on common sense and self-honesty.
I had a migraine coming today which I effectively averted. It came on when I was pushing myself to move forward in my day.
A little background is that I have OCD, and forward motion has historically been exceedingly difficult for me. With OCD you get stuck in repeating cycles or patterns, among other things. Mainly, you get stuck.
I have been walking a process with this disorder for some years now, and can proudly say that I have gotten myself to a place where I can move out of the stuck-ness. But, like most things, it is not so easy as this. There is something about when I move from 'stuck' to 'motion' that I am not being completely effective within, and I can say this for certain because in these moments I start to get a migraine.
My reaction to this was along the lines of "after all this work and effort to get moving, I finally do it and I get a fucking migraine". This takes me out completely, where I am again not moving, not due to stuckness, but now due to pain, nausea and exhaustion.
So when this moment as an opportunity arose today, where began to move out from stuckness and felt the migraine coming, I had a look at what I was doing to myself. I noticed that I was going from 1-100 way too fast.
Not only that, but I placed everything and all importance on getting moving, as in, if I don't move I will be a failure, and I will fall back into an OCD mindset.
This is what I am living: Failure, judgment, self-criticism, internal bullying = pressure.
This is where the redefinition comes in. What words can I live instead that would actually support me to move without placing such an extreme amount of pressure on myself?
I will look to Bruce Lee and use two complimentary words: flexibility, control and flow.
The quality of bending easily without breaking: The ability to be easily modified. A willingness to change or compromise.
Determine the behavior or supervise the running of. To exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.
The action or fact of moving along in a steady, continuous stream.
So today, when I wanted to get moving out of stuckness, my strategy was to plan my day. I thought of two or three things I wanted to do in some free time I was going to have. But, being that I do not exist in a vacuum, I had to consider some outside forces, events changed and the day I had been planning for turned out very differently than the day I was presented with.
Within myself I reacted to this with a bullish mentality of pushing through and getting my plans done no matter what, I would make it happen. Deeper in this is the fear of failure and a desperation of staying one step ahead of OCD because of a real sense of 'lack of control' when OCD kicks in. almost immediately I felt the migraine coming.
I lay down and stopped the forward motion. I began to look at my words.
Control: I decided on one or two of the things I wanted to get done, and strategized a time-frame where I knew I would probably have time to do them.
Flexibility: I dropped some less-important things and Accommodated to the schedules and movements of others in my environment, when and as there were unexpected changes, I planned micro-moments to get through them without falling into stuckness.
Flow: I stuck to my time-frames while still slowing down and giving myself time to rest, but disciplined myself in my movements so that I was able to stick to my schedule and get the things done that I had decided on doing.
Migraine averted, day potential maximized (quality time with my bf, got some exercise, rested, did groceries, cooked a delicious dinner, wrote).
Realizations: Every day has a certain amount of potential, but sometimes that potential is not measured in how much you get done, but how you go about doing it. For me, today I used control, flexibility and flow. I was the master of how I lived today and what I got done, even if I couldn't accomplish all the things on my list.
Every moment is defined by something, it is imperative that that 'something' be self deciding in awareness.