For the longest time I had been getting down on myself about work, working, my job and my abilities within it. I became so hard on myself that I brought about physical consequences on myself, and it seemed like everything I was trying was having absolutely no impact.
The thing is, I was stuck in a mind-set, in a patterned way of thinking that I had been living for so long, that I couldn't see beyond it. It was as if I could see no other way of being, and was so skilled at justifying this mind-set that I believed it to be the truth of me that I would just have to accept.
Thankfully, I did not accept it. By continuing to look at common sense, I could see I had changed myself in many ways in most other areas I focused on, so there was no reason for me to not be able to change at work. So I kept implementing applications, self-introspecting, seeking understanding and support, and actually applying it, and of course walking through my days in as much self-awareness as possible.
Eventually, as hard as it was, I could see that I was creating my situation and reality, I was in fact, entirely responsible. However, seeing the truth is one thing, living the change is a whole other animal. My breakthrough came when my department took on new work from another office, and I was given the opportunity to train and be on the new team.
First of all, I don't think I would have been chosen to participate in this had I given up on myself and accepted my previous self-belief that I was incapable. My numbers were among the lowest, but I proved resolve, perseverance and a great attitude at work. My superiors told me this, and even though I had low numbers, they gave me a chance. I can say with certainty that they would not have done so had I followed my mind where it wanted to go - blame, spite, self-defeat, giving up and complaining. I danced with all of these beasts, and each time I chose to live my potential rather than go down those paths.
When we started training, I took it as a fresh start. I applied myself in all the ways I had taught myself throughout my time there (for example, in this blog: Turning a Self-Defeating Moment Into A Moment of Self-Empowerment. It was increadible to see myself move through this experience in a much different way than I ever had before, being gentle and understanding with myself throughot my learning, trial and errors.
As I learned and developed myself I could see my decision-making ability at every cross-roads, where one path would lead to the old mind-set of self-sabotage, and the other towards learning and growing. And I did learn and grow, to the point where I got my numbers up and became a go-to person for answers for the other members on my team. Now my biggest challenge lies within creating a balance between managing my own work-load, while also directing the questions and requests for support from others when they face their own difficulties.
The realization within this is how to take self-responsibility within everything I do. Some things are more challenging than others, depending on how long and how much I had invested myself in a certain way of thinking.
In this instance, changing my environment gave me the opportunity to really assert myself in my process of self-change, and it opened my eyes and assisted me to see myself more clearly when it comes to work, learning and applying myself. Mostly, it showed me how to appreciate the work I put in to myself, despite the lack of immediate results at first.
Now, if I had to do things over again, I would do it all entirely differently. But we don't get do-overs, so I simply appreciate the process I did walk and see it now as a huge lesson I can carry forward with me as I move on to my next venture.
I must say, had it not been for having learned the tools of self-forgiveness and self-responsibility, and self-change trough practical application, I would not have had the tools and skills necessary to make this very difficult step.
It is in the face of life's challenges where we get to really see what we are made of, and what we are made of is what we decide to create ourselves as. True self-creation within and through taking complete self-responsibility for what we create as ourselves and our world is a very empowering thing. I endeavor to continue to learn and grow and share my process each step of the way.
Free course in self-mastery: DIP LITE
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