* A break is not a failure *
Perhaps your partner has broken recently, after thousands of doubts, of several reconciliations and of accumulating moments of sadness that seemed impossible to overcome. The exit of a relationship is usually a moment of mixed feelings, not because there is more or less love, but because it means leaving behind a stage of life, as others could have been. Unfortunately, one of those feelings is usually one of failure.
Thus, it is not strange that nostalgia for the lost is mixed with a certain enthusiasm for having been brave and having encouraged us to leave behind a situation that was weighing on our lives. Thus, they can be instants of true confusion in which we take a step forward, two backwards, another two forward, until we finally get out.
Also break with a couple is often synonymous with breaking stability, because however intermittent the other as a point of support in our minds we did not stop counting on him for our projects. Projects that may have partially broken with the end of the relationship, others will survive but we will do it with other people or in solitude
THE FEELING OF FAILURE WHEN THE RUPTURE OCCURS
One of the most common feelings in couples who have just left the relationship is the feeling of failure. They had sworn love of the good, the eternal, the forever and suddenly find a void in which these words make a very powerful echo. It is the echo of fear, and of anger too.
When a couple is formed, the most common is that the two people invest a lot so that the bond grows fast and strong. It is an investment in which the illusion, the details and the desire to share time together prevail. A time that never seems enough, in fact it is one of the few things for which empacho does not have to leave a hangover.
When time passes, the situation stabilizes and the two begin to pull the previously loose strings, giving rise to the first tensions. Nobody can survive long in the first phase we have described before, since it is a period in which the balance in which we put the facets of our life is totally unbalanced. The couple, friends and other personal projects are set apart and with the normalization of the relationship it is time to recover in part.
- However, within this second period, even if the investment is less crazy, it still exists.
- It is not so much giving or offering as building together.
This building in turn creates bonds of interdependence that will complicate any separation. We can talk about a house or a mortgage, but there are also the families of each one, the trip scheduled for the summer or the wedding to which they were going to go together.
To break these ties are those that precisely sharpen the feeling of failure: they remind us that we participated in a project that has vanished. This feeling of failure is what makes, for example, that a couple takes a while to communicate that they have separated, even though they have not been together for some time.
It is also easy for the feeling of failure to be accompanied by a deterioration in self-esteem, especially in people who have not made the decision in the end. They may feel that they are not good enough for the other person to continue accepting them as a couple and generalize this thinking to other areas that are amenable to evaluation, such as job performance.
IF WE LOOK AT OUR RELATIONSHIP OTHERWISE,
THE FEELING OF FAILURE WILL NOT APPEAR
Thus, the feeling of failure is logical in this way of conceiving a relationship. A historically inherited form of previous generations in which separations were viewed with suspicion, if not some repudiation, by society. It is also part of our way of life, in the sense that many of our present actions are conditioned by future claims. A future, which by the way, nobody assures us.
It's funny, because when time passes and mourning is overcome we usually remember the good moments of that relationship and not so much the bad ones. We are able to give it a meaning that before would probably have helped us. It is the sense that a relationship is worth it for what it gives you, not for what it will give you.
It is worth it for the shared walks, for the dinners made with affection, for the dumbest surprises or for the nerves before knowing the in-laws. You've probably bet a lot for that to go ahead, but really think if that you've given has not returned the relationship. Yes, the relationship, not the other person. Maybe he never prepared a surprise for you, but you did not have a great time repairing the ones you did, maybe he never went to look for you at work but ... did not you enjoy it when you did it?
Seeing the relationship from this perspective not only prevents the appearance of a feeling of failure in case of rupture, but motivates and stimulates us through something that we control. That something is nothing other than the pleasure of feeling like the other is protected with our jacket, when we tremble with cold. That something is nothing other than what we do and is in our hands, as well as moving forward in case the relationship ends.