You Are Not Owed Sex

in life •  last year



Why am I saying this? I just read an article in Vox about a new movement of mainly white men who think they are owed sex and that society is preventing them from having it. They are called incels. It stands for Involuntarily Celibate.

I learned about this for the first time this morning, and it makes me so fucking sick.

Here’s a pretty direct explanation of what I’m talking about from the Vox article, if you haven’t heard of it: Incels are “an online community of men united by their inability to convince women to have sex with them…Some self-identified incels…have developed an elaborate sociopolitical explanation for their sexual failures, one that centers on the idea that women are shallow, vicious, and only attracted to hyper-muscular men. They see this as a profound injustice against men like them, who suffer an inherent genetic disadvantage through no fault of their own.”

I encourage you to read the full article which I linked to above for a more detailed understanding of the incel and the grotesqueness of this movement. It is an abomination to society.

What the actual fuck, you guys. No one is OWED sex. Not men. Not women. Not for any reason. If you think animals are owed sex and you’d like to go back to the times where we act like animals, then survival of the fittest bro, and then those “muscular” men will likely just kill you for creeping on “their” women in the first place.

But regardless, muscular men are not owed sex either, obviously. No matter what she says or what she’s wearing or how you bought her those drinks, none of those things equal you being owed sex. No one is owed sex ever (with the rare exception that you paid explicitly for sex from a willing party, in which case, if that is the arrangement, then I guess you are owed sex. So Incels, if you are listening, if you think you are owed sex, you best well have paid for it from a willing party, or you should go back to under the rock you came from and figure your shit out before coming back to this society).

Did you know that the white male terrorist who drove a vehicle into a crowd in Toronto is an Incel? He is part of the “small radical fringe [that] believes that violence, especially against women, is an appropriate response — that an ‘Incel Rebellion’ or ‘Beta [Male] Uprising’ will eventually overturn the sexual status quo.”

A couple things.

  1. If one of the genders is the "victim" of the other gender's shallowness, it is women. Women are far more harshly critiqued and held back or given opportunities than men in society at large. One easy way to notice this is by how much Hillary Clinton's clothing choices were at the forefront of media coverage of her presidential campaign versus how much attention was given to Donald Trump's clothing choices (none). That being said, no one is a victim for not "getting" sex, because no one is owed sex. If you're not having sex, look inside yourself and make some changes that could help you to reach your goal. Make people like you by being someone that they like. It's not as easy if you don't fit into society's neat little standards of beauty, but rest assured, most people don't, and most of them are having sex. What are they doing that you're not doing? Instead of blameshifting, solve your fucking problem by being a good person and showing people how great you are.

  2. Women are far less likely to base who they have sex with/date simply on appearance than men. I'm not saying that it doesn't exist. Yes women are shallow too. But more women are less shallow. More women than men are willing to see internal beauty and overlook physical appearance or simply not rely on physical appearance for deciding with whom they can find a happy and healthy partnership with, including sex.

  3. If someone does not want to have sex with you, bro, that is on you, not society. People in the incel movement are likely very ugly on the inside, and that is why they can't "convince" girls to have sex with them. It's more about who you are than what you look like, dude.

  4. Based on what I have read about incels so far, they are mad because super hot girls won't sleep with them. They talk about how all these "ugly sluts" are sucking dick here and there, demeaning them in terrible, misogynistic ways. The exact behavior they are criticizing they are doing. They don't want the "ugly" girls. They only want the super hot ones. Why should super hot girls see past your lack of muscles if you won't see past a girl's lack of media-approved booty and boobs? Seriously, the hypocrisy of that might be the most disgusting part of all. Well, except that it has now caused those two noted instances of mass murder in Santa Barbara and Toronto. That is the worst part.

I am writing this because I have such deep sadness and disgust from the fact that it exists. However, everyone should know it exists, or else there will be no stopping it. We do not need any more hate groups in the world. All the more pronounced haters against people of color, homosexuals, transexuals, to name a few, now people just keep adding to it. It's fucked. The more we can address it out loud, the better chance we have of making some changes, or preventing people from getting to the point of joining these atrocious groups before they would even consider it by presenting logic, showing the beauty of the world. Ugh, I am so saddened by this. Incels. What the actual fuck.

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Incels are a product of their society, a hypergamous society that obsesses over sex and stigmatizes anyone who isn't having or pursuing it. A society that tells men that their self-worth depends on female validation will eventually push some men to the brink of insanity trying to get the one thing they're told they need to be a man. Society is the problem; incels are the symptom. Fortunately, I was able to see past the illogical, irrational and unethical norms of society. I stopped caring about the made up concept of virginity, which has no scientific validity, and realized that I was worried about fitting in rather than finding things that genuinely made me happy. Incels don't need self-righteous pricks condemning them on their moral high horses. They need compassion, they need a direction in life, goals and hobbies, alternative sources of pleasure that raise their self-esteem without the risk of STDs, and most importantly a social structure that doesn't judge people for their lack of sexuality.

BTW Alek was Armenian, which is Caucasian but not white. White is partially based on European culture and Christianity; it's not a catch all term for light skinned people obviously since a lot of light skinned Asians are excluded from this category.

I think these so called incels needs counselling, they have a very low self esteem to percieve that the society or any one is denying or even owing them sex! Its kinda absurd and weird to conceive such a thought , let alone getting followership based on such sentiments...!


I know, it's so absurd. Unfortunately, it is one of the consequences of the internet, I suppose :(


Yeah , its a known fact that the internet is filled with both the good, the bad and of course the ugly. Every internet user makes his or her choice of content from the net based on his /her inate desires ... However , I honestly think and hope there could be a way of dissuading these incels from this their absurd ideology before they metamorphose into full time terrorism as their frustrations shall definitely lead to depression , self hate and then full blown voilence to the society (humanity) whom they ostensibly blames for virtually everything that seemed wrong in their views.

The authorities and every positive minded user of the internet has a role to play in this regards to make our world a better place.

Celibacy can be empowering and allow one to see all people in a different view. Having learned to transcend my sexuality ... not condemn it ... but transcend it, allows me to view others with greater kindness. I don't want from or feel in competition with others. I can offer unconditional acceptance and compassion.

Nature places this drive to procreate within us and when it is frustrated, it can overwhelm. Stoked by things like pornography, it can cause unbelievable isolation and suffering. You may begin to see the opposite sex as a mark and not an ally. You can't have a decent relationship with anyone if you do not see them as a friend.

Sexuality is part of us, but it is not us, and we need to learn to place it in perspective. There are so many things about life that are worth celebrating. We are so much than potential mates. It is not the greatest lovers that are immortalized; it is the creators, thinkers, and leaders. History rarely records bed-post notches, and when it does, not for very long.

If you are an Incel reading this, or someone who identifies with their way of thinking, you are wrong. All women don't want heavily-muscled men. Some of us just want a really kind and well-rounded person who doesn't deal too heavily in stereo-types and insistence. We want an evolving and open-minded person who is not controlled by biological impulses, someone who knows himself, or herself, and is practiced in authentic compassion and maybe some humour. You have been fooled by the media and your own biology. There are ways to fulfillment that have nothing to do with material and biological obtainment.

Celebrate yourself and others and place whether or not you have an outlet for physical desire way down on the list. Meditate or pray, exercise and eat well, and sleep more. Laugh more. And look on everyone you can with kindness. With time, you will discover you are much more than your urges. You are not alone and we are all in this together. Accept yourself.


What a beautiful way to address them @prydefoltz <3 honestly, they need to hear this. unfortunately, the hypocrisy is uncanny, and I suspect, as the movement self-identifies on its own, many are looking for the supermodely girls, not the ones that are looking for "an evolving and open-minded person." However, if it is true for any that aren't looking for that, maybe they can escape this perceived victimhood through your kind words. Thank you for responding this way.


Perhaps one day soon, they will gain a better understanding of themselves. I think many are just looking for a way out of the suffering and unfortunately, people in this position are vulnerable to those who support bias and validate the suffering rather than offering a way out. There is a way out, but it does require self-evaluation and not blaming. Namaste, jessandtheresea:)


Agreed, men can become maybe too isolated, as they get sucked into fantasy, lust, pornography, these addictions, selfishly speaking, and men do make too many excuses at times, and men are responsible for their own problems, generally speaking. Men generally need to grow up and treat women with more respect in their relationships with women in seeking to take care of women better. Men begin to abuse women more as they value women less and less slowly over time. Men need to reorganize their values, their priorities, to honor women more, to treasure them more, to love them better, as opposed to abusing women.


Rather a fan of men on the whole ... a lot of beautiful minds and souls are found in both sexes and all genders. But I think you make a good point; desires and fears can lead one to forget about compassion and victimize those less powerful, treat partners as property. Certain forces in the media and modern life shove an individual away from compassion and they get lost to desires and insecurities.


And smaller dogs bark louder. People too. Yeah, we can forget grace. Yeah, beautiful minds of all genders for sure.



Some men are still boys. And if they want action, if they want sex, if they want love, they need to earn it, get it, and if they don't, that is their fault, and not the fault of women. Some men are tricked into thinking that life is easy, maybe too easy, that they should be allowed to get whatever they want in like an hour, as in instant gratification, but it takes time, maybe, in many cases at least, it takes long term relationships, usually. I prefer the goal of going after marriage. But yeah, I don't really care, people can do whatever they want, but men should not make too many excuses for their own problems or whatever. I'm Oatmeal. Thanks for sharing this.