Scheduling Shame

in life •  last year

How do we benefit by sharing the details of our lives including the pain points? What has consistently been my biggest challenge and how might looking at it be useful? What I enjoy most as a reader is the honesty of an author looking at their challenges because I feel empowered to get curious about my own pain points and open to receiving help with them instead of just seeking to numb all my feels.

Where have I been challenged the most recently? The expectations I put on my life are suffocating and they’re way greater than what anyone else does to me. My own expectations make me more miserable than anyone else has the ability to do. My own expectations are so much greater than whatever the world expects me to do. Here’s what my expectations look like as seen from my schedule on a typical day.

Will you read this post or watch the original video from YouTube because you might enjoy the rest of the story?

My Daily Expectations Bring Me to Tears!


I’m grateful that I’ve been reading Brené Brown’s book, I don’t remember which one it is, but she encourages us to talk about shame and what makes us feel shame in our lives.

Over the last several months, this has been the biggest thing that’s made me feel shame, that I’m not worthy of love and that I’m not good enough. I have this crazy idea that getting up, doing these videos and doing my work is what makes me worthy of Love, and that really, I don’t have a right to hang out with my family or get to experience any of the other love and joy until I step up in my studio and do some videos, which is go to work, essentially.

Our work, especially as a man, tends to draw a lot of value out of who we are and rather we are worthy of Love based on work. This has been absolutely true in my case. I found it very difficult to even hang out with my family in the morning before I’ve done some work, before I feel like I’m worthy of love.

So, I’m talking about this because I want it to be better. I’ve broken down and cried over this a lot, I have gotten upset about everything. Most of my day is very happy, and yet this right here is what I’ve broken down and cried about the most.

This is what has gotten me all angry, irritated, and frustrated. This is my biggest shame trigger. This currently is the biggest single challenge in my life.

Here it is.

Now, I don’t actually put this on my calendar, I’ve set up this calendar as an example.

This is what I expect myself to do every day, seven days a week, with minor changes, like my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, which is on a different time on Sunday.

Basically, the calendar still looks the same with the family time and the AA meeting shuffled around.

Seven days a week, these are the expectations on Saturday and Sunday even as well.

Between 7:30 to 8:30 in the morning, I usually wake up with my family. I expect that I ought to hold my butt out of bed as soon as my daughter cries, "Daddy," in the morning, which she started doing about as soon as she wakes up now.

I expect that I should be ready to just pop out of bed at the drop of a hat. I immediately get triggered off into shame if I lay there for an extra couple of minutes and don’t get up right when she calls. I expect that I should be absolutely ready to wake up first thing in the morning with the family every single day.

That’s a lot different from most of my adult life where I often spent five, six or eight hours in bed with a hangover anywhere from one to three days a week. Now, every day, I expect to just pop up right away. I feel great most mornings, so I expect to wake up with my family after getting a full night of sleep for eight plus hours every single night, to wake up right when my wife and daughter do.

If I deviate even slightly, immediate pain and frustration happens. Several mornings, I’ve broken down and cried within an hour of getting up because my head was so full of expectations that I could hardly enjoy getting my daughter ready for the day, and saying good morning to the wife, because my mind was all wrapped up in what I was going to do next.

Yesterday, we all woke up late at about 9:30. My daughter went to bed at about 8:30 or 9:00 and my wife and I went to bed at about 11.00. We all slept in till 9:30, which is 10 hours of sleep, "Holy cow." We got a lot of sleep here.

So, if any little thing pushes my schedule back, up here like this, "Oh my God. You still need to get all of this done even though you started an hour late."

Absurd expectations about the speed at which I can get things done


I expect to film and upload a video to YouTube and Facebook every day. At one point, that used to seem like a big challenge to me. That used to be really difficult and it would take hours to just get a video together and film it.

Hell, today, I have such good equipment and I’m so used to doing this that I expect to be able to pump out a 35 minute video tutorial, which I’m very grateful hundreds of people left likes on. If you’re one of them, thank you very much. A few people disliked, and if you’re one of them, thank you very much as well.

I expect to be able to crank a video out like that every day with little effort. I expect in an hour to be able to crank out a 35 minute video tutorial, upload it, write a description that will do really good in YouTube search and put a cover image. I expect that I can do that in an hour.

That’s a little bit insane!

I have read that vloggers spend hours editing their videos. They try to just work really hard to get one video up a day. I expect that I can crank mine out in an hour of actual time.

That’s the tip of the iceberg!

The next two hours after that, I expect that I can film and upload a video course on my website.

Now, I’ve got about 100 video courses I have filmed, it takes anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour to take one I’ve already filmed and to upload it on my new University of Jerry Banfield. Some days I film new videos for courses, other days I’m just trying to get my existing courses up on the website. I expect every day, no matter what’s happening, that I should be able to get an entire course uploaded.

My friend has been working on three courses for six months. I expect I can knockout and film a course in a day. I’m grateful that the last cryptocurrency investing course I made called "Number One Cryptocurrency Investment Opportunity," was filmed in two or three days. I got everything done and promoted it. I did all of that maybe in 6 to 10 hours of real time.

I have absurd expectations about the speed at which I can film and get things done.

You know what happens?

This is what happen.

I wake up in the morning, sometimes I’m a little edgy right when I wake up.

Sometimes I need to break down and cry just to get through the morning without being nasty to my wife or daughter, instead of outwardly being angry.

My dad and mom were frequently outwardly angry, they’d wake up and get cranky, yell and scream. If that even starts to happen, I just break down and cry. I’m so sensitive.

If I get through the morning gracefully, which I do lots of times, my wife and daughter usually are out of the house during my work time, because they go across the street with the family. They go do things in the morning, and often they will come back at about 11:30. They’ll be gone while I’m working and they’ll come back.

I expect to drop what I’m doing immediately for family time


Man, when they come back, I expect that I should be able to drop what I’m doing immediately. Now, if you’ve worked and you’re passionate about your work, now look at how easily next time when something comes up you just drop what you’re doing. You don’t keep thinking about it, you don’t keep wanting to do it, you don’t get out, you just drop it.

I expect when my wife and daughter come home that I can just drop wherever I'm at. Yesterday I was in the middle of writing a YouTube description for the video tutorial. I almost had it done, then my wife and daughter came home. I expect I can drop what I’m doing.

Why?

Because when they’ve come home lots of other times, I'd stay here and keep working, and the shame just builds.

"Oh, what a great father in here, typing away on your keyboard while your wife and daughter are out there. How are you going to feel on your deathbed someday when you sat in there and kept typing this YouTube description while your wife and daughter were out there running around? Oh, heard that? Your daughter's banging on the door, 'Daddy, daddy,' and what are you doing? Acting like you’re hiding in here. 'Oh, I’m just working, I’ll be out in a minute.' Now, you get your butt out there and you say, 'hi,' to your wife and daughter."

I expect that I should just be able to drop what I’m doing when my wife and daughter get home, hang out with them, run around with them, talk, act like I weren’t even doing anything before. Some days I’m able to do this gratefully.

Yesterday, this kicked off a little 30 minute depression where I felt so bad, like I couldn’t work effectively or be a good husband or a father. I just literally laid on the couch, tried to keep my mouth shut and feel my feelings.

Other days it works out great. I meet my wife and daughter coming at the right time, "Hey, how you doing?" I hang out with them, I change my daughter's diaper, get her ready, give her to my wife to nap her, and then I come back into the next part of my day which is a Steemit post.

Time for all my other business tasks while my daughter takes a nap


Then it is time for all my other business tasks. Anything that requires responding to comments online, research, anything else I need to do that's quiet, while my daughter's napping. I've got about two hours while she naps in the afternoon to knock that out.

Man, that includes if I need to pay bills or anything, I'm just ripping through tasks. Like when I was learning about Steem, I was just researching, going through videos, skipping around, just ripping through, destroying one task after another.

Today, I'm hoping to upload an entire audio book and make a Steemit post in this stretch and get a course uploaded.

"Oh my God, this guy is effing crazy."

I can do so much and I'm used to like driving this body like a car. I'm used to driving it 100 miles an hour, being able to stop on a dime, and it's really easy for me to mentally and emotionally wreck because I can go so fast and I can do so much. I have these amazing capabilities and when they run into a wall, it's like, "booo."

I can't stand to be mean to anyone else anymore because I've been so mean and nasty so many times to so many people in my life. I cussed out tens of thousands of people in my life mostly online, many of them in person, most frequently my loved ones. I can't stand to do that anymore. If all that shame comes up, it's just like an instant depression, anxiety, fear, like I can't even breathe. So I've learned to just pray and lay down on the couch, and let it pass.

I'm grateful this often happens at some point during the day. Whenever it will be, like, "Let's just have this during family time, when you're hanging out with your family if you're laying down depressed on the couch, that counts, right?"

Another great shame trigger opportunity


When my daughter wakes up, it's another great shame trigger opportunity if she wakes up and calls for daddy, and I've got like another paragraph I need to write.

Yesterday, I had like five more lectures. I was uploading a class on how to publish on audible using ACX, which is the Audiobook Creation Exchange.

I had like five more videos, I'd spent 40 or so minutes uploading a course I had already filmed on the University of Jerry Banfield and I just was about finished. My daughter woke up, "Daddy, daddy," and the shame exploded.

"Look at him now, is that a nice father? Look at him in here uploading. On his deathbed he's going to love this."

"You can't work properly, you're not doing enough for your business, you haven't finished your work, your daughter needs you right now."

It's like, "Ghhr."

I remember sitting there like, "Ugh," just the energy.

Like, "Why can't I do anything right? Why can't I just finish something? Why is there not enough time?"

The truth is that I'm doing too much.

I'm trying to balance and fit everything in this perfect position and if there's one little vibration in the earth, it all slips slightly out of place. Then, I will lose my mind and let the crazy out, at least inside, but really it just looks like I'm crying and depressed on the outside for a little bit.

No, I don't know anyone in my life who goes to the doctor and takes medications for mental conditions that has the kind of life I want to have today.

So, no, I'm not going to a doctor and getting drugs to sedate myself and calm down, and then be happy with doing one damn thing every day.

That's why I drank alcohol and that's why I go to AA every day today, because I about killed myself doing that stuff.

No, I want to live and experience my full life sober. I want to maintain a healthy balance. I want to be able to make a contribution to the world. I want to be able to do everything in balance and I just will keep tweaking my approach, because this is a hell of a lot better than it used to be. As I continue tweaking my approach, I'm continuing to do better and better.

I'm sharing here the biggest struggle I'm currently having. It's okay to struggle and to be a little upset, it doesn't mean that you need to get some pill at the doctor that poisons the inside of your body and knocks the whole thing down because you get a little upset occasionally, that's normal.

What's abnormal is putting all kinds of substances in your body to screw it up, to take yourself down to the animal level. That's weird, that's crazy! I've done that a lot, which is why I don't want to do it anymore.

Thank you for reading with me!


If you enjoyed reading this post, would you please upvote it and read the next one because if you are like me every upvote feels good and I will be sharing the second part of this post next?

I love you, I hope you have a wonderful day today and I hope to see you again soon.

Love,

Jerry Banfield with edits by @gmichelbkk

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Thanks for sharing

Jerry Thanks for another awesome post!!
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After watching your video I stop for a moment and try to consider what are the expectations of my life. That is a question I will have to ponder over the next few days. @briandenver Who knows maybe I need to take a mental health day off of work.

I think we need to feel shame sometimes to be able to fix our behavior

Wow, thanks for sharing your schedule @jerrybanfield, so right... family time is also important. 💖💯

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Yes @stackin thank you for commenting on so many posts!

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Just keep bustin out that awesome content 😎💯

@jerrybanfield ... As always, a great & interesting post with lots of twists n turns that happen in our daily lives, but we usually live each day almost as our previous day 99.9%, with possibly only 0.1% change which is really not that dramatical.
Our Family including kids, wife, parents play a very significant role. In true sense every man tends to work preferably to earn bread n butter for his family, amidst that, if he is able to manage his time well (everyday!!!) then life is lot better n easier n smoother...but we hardly care and repeat same mistakes...almost everyday !!!
Its rightly said...To err is human...!!! and we all are humans...7 billion !!! & increasing...more compact lives more competition and more struggle for quality life !!! Alas !!!

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Yes it is strange how we fall into the same trap over and over again! Like tonight I am writing comment responses instead of sitting down to take some time to read again. Now that I think of it time to stop. Thank you for helping with your comment!

@jerrybanfield, I am new with streemian and I was trying to set up an auto-vote on fan base. I would like to vote up every single one of your posts as soon as they come up. I became your fan and I am not sure if I set up everything properly. Even though I am your fan I just noticed that 7 minutes passed and I still hadn't voted for you automatically (I had to click it manually) on the "Delay vote" I made it 0 but for some reason it didn't vote your post right away :/ Maybe you know better about this since you have more experience with it?

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@generation thank you for trying to set this up and sharing here because I have been having the same issue! My votes have not been going through on some and on others they are not coming in at the right power. When I get a system working for me I will make a post about! steemvoter.com is another popular autovoter but they also have the right to use a vote a day on whatever post they want!

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Thank you Jerry! :)

@jerrybanfield You did it wrong bro, its supposed to look like this

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It does look almost like that in my actual calendar but I fill it in every day close to what I show in the example!

Spotted the problem. Your smoothie-making regime is inefficient. I think you can cut it down from an hour!

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Speaking of which time to do that now!

Family is everything.... :-)

wow @jerrybanfield, I really identify with this post. I watch some of your stuff on yt but the videos you do on lifestyle like this are my favorite. Self-help is amazing. My mind races constantly with what I need to do or should be doing and more often than not, it's such a distraction that I get little done. Scheduling is a lifesaver but so is aligning our thoughts and emotions. The line where you say you have to get yourself right in the morning before doing anything or seeing anyone is incredibly important. That's life-changing and makes the day flow much better. Look forward to watching the video. Thank you and cheers!

I have realized many times that 24 hours is never enough. Unfortunately, that is the world we live in. However, we have to make a good and scheduled use of each hour. Steem it. @jerrybanfield

Thank you for sharing and don't worry, Jerry, you are not alone at all in this. I have struggled so much with expecting too much of myself lately and I have had a issues with sadness, not feeling like I am enough, etc... Nothing matters more to your or my contribution to this world than being fully present in the moment and connecting with that which is Higher than we are and then living that reality with everything we do. I have made the decision to make this more of a reality in my life and it makes all the difference. We have to "bring the mind into the heart" be unified and become true to our higher aspirations, separate from the ephemeral past and the unknown future.
Blessings to you.

Its a chicken-egg thing. You need to work and make money to enjoy the family time, but family time is most important! I struggle with the same issues - need to earn, to enjoy.

As I get older I have learned that life is about balance. It took me a while to realize this and unfortunately it took some loss in my life to realize it also. We are only passing through this thing called life so making the time for family should be a priority. Unfortunately I realized this a bit too late.

thank you for sharing
upvote

I always wonder how you get so much time.btw it took me 70mts to cook an omelette lol. Gotta schedule !

Jerry I think I am a lot like you. Guys like us gotta learn to live in the NOW moment, and learn to FLOW! It's difficult, but a useful skill to learn

So easy to relate to the situation where our ALL is directed to our obsession with what we are doing, whilst somewhere in the background the voices of those we call our 'loved ones' only echo.

I admire how you are shifting though ~ Seeing and questioning the obsession ~ Seeing life's priorities. Because in the end the only thing that really matters is how we have loved and been loved.

Thanks for the post and for introduce myself on steemit through your YouTube channel.
I'm excited because my account has been approved!

nice post..upvoted and followed..hope you will also

@jerrybanfield ... As always, a great & interesting post with lots of twists n turns that happen in our daily lives, but we usually live each day almost as our previous day 99.9%, with possibly only 0.1% change which is really not that dramatical.
Our Family including kids, wife, parents play a very significant role. In true sense every man tends to work preferably to earn bread n butter for his family, amidst that, if he is able to manage his time well (everyday!!!) then life is lot better n easier n smoother...but we hardly care and repeat same mistakes...almost everyday !!!
Its rightly said...To err is human...!!! and we all are humans...7 billion !!! & increasing...more compact lives more competition and more struggle for quality life !!! Alas !!!

I love the diversity of the things you discuss

I have so much to learn from you when it comes to productivity, Jerry. I am every day amazed how you through out videos and posts which are often well researched and lengthy. Plus you are super active on Steemit and do a million things. I want to get more active as well but I am often sabotaging my own efforts with doubt and sometimes lack of inspiration.

First the family, then everything else ... @jerrybanfield great post!!

So true. I make more demands on myself than anyone else does.

So hard to schedule family time but it is indeed definitely important. It is very rewarding!

Great article!

Love watching your YouTube videos even though I know nothing about Bitcoin or any of these currencies. You make me laugh even though I don't really understand the currencies you discuss. Would love a follow back from you :)

Upvoted and resteemed. I have just took sort of a sneak peak at your article. I will only have time to read it through properly by this evening. I do not have time to my early morning steemit addiction. I will be sure to come back and read the full article, maybe comment some more. Unfortunately that will only be after work today, in more than twelve hours' time...

nice video great info . thanks for sharing....
resteemed

I am really var y thankful to you because you have introduced me to steemit community .

Interesting post. Following and upvoted. :)

Thank you Jerry for sharing and being so transparent! Your sister in Steem - @go2sheila.

The fact that you used the word trigger a lot in this post is a good sign to me, the shame that you are referring to has become habitualised in your mind and being and is being triggered by extrnal events. Feelings start off with one trigger and grow from there with new triggers being added as time goes by through your perception of what is happening so if you percieve that you are not doing enough to spend time with your daughter or if you are not getting enough work done as being shameful, then the associated habitual feeling of shame is experienced. Their are two problems here, the habitual feeling which could have built up over years or longer and the deluded beliefs (perceptions) that are triggering them. You need to first detach from the feeling when it is triggered and allow it to flow naturally through you and this in turn would allow you to see through the deluded nature of the beliefs causing it. This is a process that will take time and like any other form of detox can get worse before it gets better through the allowing of the feelings to arise in their highest intensity.

Thank's for sharing your schedule!

Family is number one and note that we learn from mistakes..ability to make mistake and learn makes us a better people

Always i am waiting jerry when you post or when you realease your video.

Big respect to you @jerrybanfield for putting this stuff out there. Upvoted and Resteemed. :)

What amazing video this really make me realize that we got time for everything time to change NO MORE EXCUSES. Thanks for sharing thid kind of info @jerrybanfield

Your mind is brilliant! I'm glad you're here with us! Learn a lot of things from you!

Very good scheduling for time management
Thanks for this time management scheduling .
Please Upvote me.
Thanks (click here for Upvote ).

good info :-)

thanks @jerrybanfield sharing your schedule.u r a motivation for newibes like me.

Big of you to share man. I bet the road was tough. I've had addictions, I know it's rough. I just posted one of the dark times in my life about a son I out lived. Can tap or click here to read it, but, it has strong language. Very frustrating time of my life. Know that you're not alone in your struggles. We all have our crosses.

Well, we are all humans there is not doubt about it. Sometimes we loose too much interest, while sometime we show too much interest. But in the end we remain busy at whatver we do. I know you remain busy with all your internet wokr and you must really be tired, more like bored doing same type of stuff and during this you are not able to give time those surrounding you. Dont worry my friend it's completely normal. Don't just stress about it, rather think about it. Think about diversifying your time between work and those who value you. Your work is very inspiring but guess what it comes from your heart and mind. So, you possess all the skills you need to make your life better. So, just take a chill pill and don't get stressed, keep doing your work and manage those who value your support :)

Nice video, cool me and all of us dear

thanks for this nice post
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thanks for awesome post @jerrybanfield

You have the most positive attitude! I would say you are a great person!

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Nice post.

wow man I totally live a complete other live like you after watching the whole content. I want to do different things every day almost when I cant I feel drepressed. Schedules are my enemy and I have hard times to stick to them.. I want to explorer. I want to learn random things and want to travel.. Like when I have nothing to do in a weekend or so I just drive to see a nice city in my own country netherlands or germany or belgium or I just take an aiplane for a weekend trip... mostly on my own and sometimes whit friends but they all think I am crazy but I just seem to have the luck to be financially more independent and I am not good at keeping girlfriends because I am a relationscare person dispite I am not bad looking and girls rate me a 8-10 ghehe but yea all people are different maybe that's the reason I only write things people watch but don't vote.. but soon I will steem up and be a dolphin which will make the difference.. I am sure about that

Thanks for this wonderful post @jerrybanfield . One of the thing in life is you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent. Thanks again my number one Steemit/am your number one fan @kofpato since i joined this platform which was through your videos @jerrybanfield

Awesome!

Congratulations @jerrybanfield!
Your post was mentioned in the hit parade in the following category:

  • Upvotes - Ranked 8 with 515 upvotes

I'm so glad you are reading Brené. I read her...all of her...about 18 months ago and it really kick started several Changes in my life. Now that you've mentioned her I want to read all of her again! (Mental maintenance)

Pain points...that's a great term for them. Noticing our pain points is the 1st critical step to working through them. Seems like you are really doing the work, Jerry! 🙌🏽 We are alike it seems in several ways...I too struggle with my "worth" being tied to productivity. It's something from my childhood I think, and it's not a bad thing but I do have to stay mindful of it otherwise it takes over my thinking judging how much I got done each day.

Really greatful u shared your schedule. We should have a chat. I'd love to chat. Thanks Jerry