As i am severely depressed and attempting to work over it... also, some weird revelations.

I haven't been very productive lately. I am severely depressed for several reasons... Good news is i am back to work.

First hit of an incoming combo move for Steemdya :

One of the many knwown reasons is, i had problems with paypal at the end of this month. I got my paypal account and my bank account frozen, i'm still in talks to get my bank account unfrozen and got 2 refunds out of 3 because some chinese seller sent a macbook i didn't ordered to the united state, in texas, even tho i caught the paypal receipt 5 to 7 minutes just after the order was confirmed from the person that hacked into my account, the guy still shipped it.

Of course, he was just right next to the chinese post with the macbook in his hands when that guy ordered it from ebay, all prepared and ready ! Haha ^^

I was also under a lot of pressure with that 3D printer that came in a very clunky state, and i was also working on my own car to replace the clutch and one rear brake wire that has been rusted and not working properly to use the main rear break. And i got myself in a world of trouble with my back afterward, i basically got something around the lines of a lumbago (or crick) , and had a hard time to move and get out of my bed. As disabled as i am, i have to manage and do everything on my own. Just everything.

Then i realised something... Something i can't get out of as my situation is like it is.

A few months ago i began to listen to Jordan Peterson, more closely and... i discovered that i was pretty much left alone from my familly. No one really cares about anything i do... I barely ever got any support for anything artistic i was doing, as i am a highly creative person and feed from reactions and how people perceive what i do (yeah, you could tell i am a little bit of an attention whore, but that's all i have... that's really all i have left in life ) My drawings and art, creating things as allways been what i liked to do. That's hard when no one in your familly really notice, don't even get interested.

I know, you could say "but what about your friends, right ?" It has been the same problem, ever since my disability has been confirmed in some way and got a little bit worse, i would get older, and you can feel a misease, or people around you not very comfy because you can't stand like a truely natural and normal person, i often sit on the floor when i work or even do artistic things, because this is the least painfull way for me to be around most of the time. i like it better to slide and move on the floor than being standing up all the time, if i stay standing up too much i get in pain.

And also friends of my age get to have a familly. Work... I see them less and less, they are too busy, and i am a burden to them, mostly because they can't do much with me, staying at my place and looking at what i produce artistically for 10 to 30 minutes is nice and all, even if i am very passionnate and talkative about what i do, but it's also kind of very outlandish to them and adds up to me being as weird as unique, that kind of feeling i believe.

So i feel pretty much very, very alone. It depressed me sometime, on top of my physical pain. To be completely honest i also stopped looking for anything like a girlfriend 10 years ago when it became too obvious i had a physical problem... I know myself, i know i would be too hard to manage in times of pain, because it happens at least once a week. It would be too hard to cope with, my mom loves me and it's already hard for her to look at me be in headache and bowel lazyness / crisis when i wake up at 3 in the morning and have to spend most of the night trying to relieve pain.

I'm pretty much alone, and my disability / handicap situation didn't allow me to be complete, i am failed on many life levels according to what i'm hearing from Jordan Peterson's lecture, i didn't manage to put everything in place to be happy and a functionning member of my society, even tho i stepped into the world with a huge disadvantage, i barely made any of my compensation or talent a way to find a balance in everything else.

Last but not least on this subject, most women are selective beings and rightfully so, who would want my disabled, degenerated genes anyway ?

Thinking about all that, i was trying to find some release from the pain, the work, as i was barely able to move two weeks ago after i worked on my car and i really do like roleplaying sometimes. It's not a fixated desire, it comes and goes like this... I find some human interaction as well as some evasion in it. I also find this to be very exhilerating artistically and creatively, as i create my very own stories and characters to play with people. I really do like to "live" the characters i create or make them live, it gives other perspectives, especially when you confront them to other people's vision.

But even that didn't go the way i wished, i was on that forum for several years, as i said, i come and go, a little bit selfishly because i just go there when i feel like i am too empty of any human interaction and empty creatively, or just because i need joy, i need to evade... just "play" and pretend to be something else for a while. I really tried to get into some roleplay. But the moderation of that specific forum really hates me and don't understand me, they don't even try to put themselves on my end, at my place or my perspective. I got in trouble in the past in that roleplaying platform because at some point i was contacted by a member of the administration that wanted some drawings from me.

It was like at the end of 2010, one of the admin wanted a very specific drawing of his character and another admin wanted me to make a visual novel for the forum with his own character. I became a little bit reluctant to make the visual novel, and one of the admin got angry at me because i hesitated. He wanted Hentai drawings.

If i ever do anything personnal like this, i try to keep it for me because i am too ashamed of them. Anyway they insisted a lot, and they begun to roleplay with me only because they could get a visual novel and drawings from me, i got harrassed by one of them on MSN back in the day, the one harrassing me on msn, asked me for things like, commenting nice things on his profile / character even tho his character was nothing particular for me. I wasn't very against it either, but i didn't understand why neither at the time. Probably because he felt like he had not enough feedback or attention on his character.

So i did what he asked, i commented on his character, and he began to insist and insist for a drawing, at least one, and would tell me he would offer me a place in the staff of the forum if i did his drawing.

An administrator of that forum offering me to become a member of the staff just by drawing him his character... Already it ringed an alarm bell. And i begun to get really really uncomfortable with it, because he was ADMIN right ? It's not like, you are not forced to do what he ask... lol, yeah not like... he would put you in trouble if you don't do as he wish. If some people already had this experience with roleplay forums.

The other admin told me because i was not too hot making a visual novel, he could easily make me in trouble as some people "did not like me already" on the forum, it wouldn't be hard to ban me. One of them was working on me by threatening me to ban me, and the other one was insisting a lot to have a personnal drawing of his character.

At some point this one started to offer me to come to my place, and do sexual things to me, get me in contact with people he knows in Paris, that it was not the first time he'd be doing this... He already came from quebec / canada to Paris and met forum members to have sexual intercourse with them and go back to his country.

Nope... lol... just nope. I'd rather do his drawing and we let it be as it is, i was not into that stuff, (he was a guy too) but he boasted about meeting forum members, and some of them were very young at this era. I begun to make connexions points i didn't want to make in my head... He is an admin... he's well over his 20 year old... he has the means to travel to Paris just for that kind of thing and go back to his country just for a stupid drawing . What the fuck ?

So i got in trouble of course, and soon after i refused to do the visual novel, i've done the drawing for the other one but refused to see him, and told everything to the moderation team about the fact one of the admin was meeting with mostly underage members, you can tell i got banned pretty fast with a first character there.

I was furious because what i said was the truth, even tho people weren't very keen of my character and in misease with me being disabled, they knew i had spina bifida already at the time. It began to be a very very dark time for me at the end of 2010 at the time, i lost the ability to roleplay with a ton of people that were still liking very much what we were doing. And the forum was led by a duo of Admin that was pretty much corrupt to the bones.

I got banned for telling the truth on the forum too, i made it all public, there was nothing more i could do because i harassed the moderation to take my word for it, they wouldn't listen, it was buried, and they created a file and a case on my from nowhere, just "people have complaints on you" suddenly, and got me banned very very fast, yeah, of course you can't please everyone when you want the moderation to do something about it.

I was blinded with the gravity of the situation and became very agressive with what i was telling the moderation, accusing them of being accomplice then if they don't even move or do anything, they were protecting these guys and i accused the platform of being a place where some very few admins plundge their hands in the manne of players and realise their roleplay fantaisies / fetishes.

One of the admin there was also a very very addict to cosplay but, not real cosplay, just his own character, he was half furry half hentai character and was disguising as if he was one or the other character he had. it was very worrysome because his characters had very very alarming kinks in his profile, the kind you don't want your kids around and he was meeting forum people like this of course. with that, and maid costumes as he his a fully grown male.

What the hell mate, what in the world i got myself into. And i realised this only when he showed me the photos on msn, asking me if he could come visit me disguised and playing his character and have sexual intercourse xD NO way. Even tho i'm disabled NO WAY lol no way. He was very very very insisting, very.

A few year laters, everyone hated me there of course, they spread lies to cover what really happenned, but at some point another admin contacted me, the administration had changed. He contacted me to know the truth behind all this, the "file" they made against me was full of incoherencies, and the guy took his time to get some info about me, and saw i was pretty usually calm and creative, and out of roleplaying i had never, ever been very socially attracted to talk to people mainly because i don't mix roleplay with IRL stuff, i don't usually want people to know i'm disabled and stop roleplaying with my characters, it often have, unortunately, a bad effect, humans gotta judge you no matter what.

He told me i was right. Years after what happenned. i was right but unfortunately, all he could do is try to demote that guy from hi position, push him aside so he don't have the power and reach he used to have.

He told me i was right because he did it to another 4 other people on the forum.

You know, this forum, i had spent a bunch of time creating my characters and stories, and there were a lot of people i knew there, still, he told me the pack of lies they build on me so i would be seen as guilty by the moderation, but he would try to work over that, even tho, it would be very very hard for people to accept that i was right, as the previous admins did really endoctrinate people on the forum to hate on me.

This new admin told me i was right, not only because 4 other people got the same treatment, and worse, but also because the 2 new admins of the forum, were part of these 4 people.

Everything i said at the time, was true, but they kept it under wrap because these 2 past admins still had some access to it at the time.

Anyway... A lot of other things went wrong on this forum, but it was the main story, they got me back on the forum and i was doing pretty much okay until old stories came back up, someone discovered i was back on the forum, and older admins made sure the lies would stay in place, ousting the 2 new admins that experienced the same thing as me from any position of anything to say. Ostracizing me once more for what is basically a bunch of lies, once again.

I did not make a hentai visual novel for one admin, threatening me of "banning me, it would be easy because people are discomfortable with you" and i did a drawing and commented on another admin profile because he was an attention whore, not enough people were paying attention to his rather weird characters already, because of fear mostly, i'd rather do what he wanted than to have to cope with his continuous harrassment on msn, at some point i told myself "fuck it it's not worth being harassed and getting my life so fucking stressfull, i'm going to burst in anger on that f**cking forum and that will be the end of it"

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So yeah it has been a very fun month. Not even being able to get some relief...

Let's get back to work, looks like it's the only way i will be able to evade my stupid disabled body for a while anyway.