Lifehacks, Lessons, and Anecdotal Stories I picked up as one of Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children (Story #1)

USMC boot camp taught me many things… little life hacks, entertaining stories, and lessons that have persisted long after my contract ended, that will stick with me to the grave. Many have had a great role in who I am and how I handle life's daily bump and grind. Inspired by @anarcho-andrei’s “Confessions of an Airborne Dedicated Individual Combat Killer (ADICK)” series, I decided to create my own series of shorts about things I learned in the USMC that may be of value to everyone. Enjoy!

Sometimes you should poke the bear despite the consequences. Just for fun...

USMC boot camp is typically 12 weeks long broken into three phases. Phase 1 focuses on physical fitness, swim qualifications, military customs and history, and getting acclimated to military life. Phase 2 is mostly the rifle range with a lot of physical fitness for good measure. Phase 3 is combat training, more physical fitness, and the final test: the Crucible.

When this particular event transpired, we had just finished phase 2 (the rifle range) and we were all pretty full of ourselves. We’d been at Parris Island long enough to know the ropes and what to expect. Long enough to all be in excellent physical shape. Long enough to start poking the bear, acting up, and messing with our DI’s in the most subtle of ways.

You have a senior DI, known as a black belt, and a number of subordinate DI’s known as green belts. Green belts are mean... black belts a little less mean. At night typically one DI had duty and the others went home to see their family, or pull the legs off of spiders, or whatever it was they did off duty. On this particular evening our most junior DI was on duty and had the reigns of Platoon 1018, Co. C, 1st Bn. We were back in our squad bay this evening standing on line waiting for instruction.

At this point I don’t even remember what we did to piss of our drill instructor (DI). I do, however, remember quite clearly what transpired next…

Marine Corps photo by Sgt. Tyler Viglione

“I guess I’m just too damn easy on you huh 1018?” he yelled at us. “SIR, NO SIR!” the platoon responded… Except for me. I dunno why I did it. I just wanted to fuck with the DI a little. Just a little. I waited till the platoon responded and my voice would be heard loud and clear. “SIR, YES SIR!”. I saw some fellow recruits eyes cringe without wavering from staring straight ahead. “Who the fuck said that!”. I stepped out of line and proudly proclaimed “*SIR, THIS RECRUIT SAID IT SIR!”.

I knew what I was doing. I knew I’d get in trouble. That’s kinda why I did it. It was my own subtle nonverbal “fuck you, you can’t break me now”. “You know where you’re going. Get up there recruit” the DI said back with an oddly calm voice and a smirk on his face. They normally don’t smile. Ever. This should have been the first clue this wasn’t going to be a normal day. I was going to the quarterdeck of course. Cool, lets do this.

In the fleet a quarterdeck is a place on a ship where ceremonial events take place, rewards are given, re-enlistments are re-upped and oaths reaffirmed. In bootcamp, it's strictly a place of punishment.

“Sir, aye sir!” I responded, excused myself from the line, stepped back, and started taking off my camouflage blouse as is the procedure to prevent overheating. “Just keep taking it off” he said. Ut-oh… that hadn’t happened before. So I kept stripping off my clothes, pausing briefly after each article expecting at some point to be told to stop… nope… hmmm… I’m now naked as the day I was born.

“Here recruit!” he yelled from the quarterdeck. I ran up there as fast as I could behind the line of recruits. I’m sure the other recruits were wondering where this was going as much as I was.

Now getting quarterdecked typically goes like this… the DI commands you to do some exercise... His repertoire usually consists of:
-Running in place, elbows at your sides, forearms parallel with the deck, palms facing the floor, with your knees slapping your palms as you run in place.
-Mountain Climbers. Think “push-up” meets jogging
-Side straddle hops. Just a jumping jack. I dunno… they rename everything just to make shit hard.
-The old classic push up, where the single civilian pushup is really a four count exercise… often with prolonged pauses between movements up or down.

Anyway, there are more but you get the point. Typically the DI commands one exercise, let say he yells “Push!”, and you kick your legs back, land in a pushup position, and begin. However, before you get halfway through the first half of a pushup, here comes another command “Hop!”. You never really do a single rep of any exercise. You’re just getting up and down off the floor repeatedly. It's remarkably brutal.

SO… “Run” he commanded… and… I’m running in place in front of the whole platoon. He’s awkwardly standing in front of me. All my particulars are bouncing about due to my lack of clothing. “Palms to the sky recruit”. “AYE SIR!”. Ok, sure whatever… what’s this about. He whips out a can of shaving cream and puts a softball sized pile in both hands. “Rub it on your face recruit”. “AYE SIR!”

So I’m lathering up my face. Odd time to make me shave. “Nooooo recruit, rub it allll over your face. Rub it in your eyes”. “AYE SIR!”. When you’re told to do something in bootcamp, ridiculous or not, you’re expected to do it with enthusiasm and a sense of urgency. Now… I can’t see. I’ve got shaving cream going up my nose. It’s all in my mouth. Globs are hitting the deck… I’m surely gonna get stuck cleaning that when this is done. I can hear some muffled laughs from the other recruits and the DI’s threats about who’s gonna be next.

“Push!”. I drop to the deck. No more commands. I’m doing pushups to his cadence, but my hands are sliding all over the deck and I can barely push myself up as a result. “*Thats enough, go clean your nasty body up and get dressed and back on line.

That wasn’t so bad. It actually gave me a much needed laugh for me and the platoon, if only on the inside. I’m cleaned up, dressed, and back on line.

“So recruit, you think I’m too easy… you have fun?”
“SIR YES SIR!”

I had poked the bear, and the bear’s wrath, while a bit odd, wasn’t so bad. No way in hell I’d show any weakness or regret. The DI’s though, they are always a step ahead of you… the real punishment for my smartass display came next.

“Very well… if you like being quarterdecked so much, I guess you won’t mind volunteering to accompany any other recruits when they visit my quarterdeck from here on out”

Oh… shit… wtf have I done to myself. I went from getting quarterdecked a handful of times a day to… hell I don’t even know… 30? 40? There was a month of bootcamp left. A month! That's a lifetime at P.I. Every day thereafter I was far too tired to poke the bear again. I didn’t screw off anymore after that. The rest of bootcamp was rough.

But… it was worth it. The juice was worth the squeeze. I gave a big metaphorical “fuck you” to "the man" and survived the aftermath. I think my DI grew to respect me a little after that. Easily worth the price I paid. Got a good story out of it to boot.