I masturbated in my car again.

because you know… traffic…boredom… good rocknroll playing… i guess i don’t need much.

But you know what, people? Masturbation is still not taken seriously enough. So let’s talk about it.

You can usually tell when a woman needs to get laid.... she becomes bitter and edgy.
Don't lie to yourself, we all are humans... Plus it's a fact; Orgasms release stress and tensions...but I understand that it's sometimes hard to find someone decent to satisfy those needs.
So the answer is simple: Flick the bean darling.
Yes ok, but how?
I heard that a lot of women still have hard time finding climax.
Your fingers only could be effective but if it doesn’t do it for you, there are tons and tons of toys you can try in order to find the prince charming. The only thing is: it sucks buying a disappointing toy.. it’s not like you can return it if it doesn’t make you come. Orgasm guaranteed or money back! Yep. We need that promise in our life, but unfortunately we’re not there yet, so til then, you might have to listen to advices of pervert chicks like me to lead you on a decent solo orgasmic path.
I don’t wanna brag but I know what I’m talking about (Not sure if you can really brag about being a wanker but Eh!)
So…. Where to start…
First of all, I don’t usually like to categorize but in order to find your perfect toe curler, you need to at least know your body enough to tell what gets you wet and forget the rest.
That being said, tell me what applies the most to you and i’ll tell you what product you shall consume…
And I’m talking la creme de la creme.

1.~~~Fill me up, darling~~~
2.~~~Once upon a time, a little man in a boat~~~
3.~~~I prefer the back door~~~

1-Fill me up, darling

I know… nothing beats a real penis (if you DO like penises), specially when it’s attached to a human you really like. But if you want to enjoy some solo jack hammering, you gotta find at least one toy that imitate well a good D when it comes to size, texture and motion. If the size is only what’s matter to you, well you can knock yourself out (literally, too) with a wide selection of massive cocks on the market…(demon’s cock, horse’s cock, name it…) But if you want something that will fuck you (almost) like a fuck machine, you need a thrusting vibrator.
If you’re a wanker like me, you probably already owned a rabbit vibrator at some point… And I understand that the rabbit itself is important if you want some Clitoral stimulation while you’re being filled up. But the truth is, the dildo part of a rabbit is often disappointing….So I’m here today to make you forget that bunny love and move to the next level…. Because when we talk about vaginal interaction, we want something that will take care of that sweet G spot of ours, right!?
Girls, I’m talking to you…
Got your attention yet?
Here we go…
The ultimate Pulsator…

….. doesn’t exist!

Disappointing isn’t it?
Ok well, let me try again…..
I would say the best selection of thrusting vibrators is held by Fun factory. The Stronic Eins and the Stronic Drei are the most reliable, strong, competent and luxurious toys. They give you this rhythmical throbbing you need to give a smile to your face. They have a lot of different functions and they do not stop working when you contract your pelvic muscles, unlike a lot of other thrusting vibrators.

My only complain would be that for a luxury toy, they really let us down by not including a storing pouch. We don’t want to leave our clean toy in the drawer, attracting all the nasty non visible stuff we also have in there.
It has to be clean and ready for action when you need it!
We don’t want to put it in a Ziplock bag either. I tried… that’s not sexy…
Give us a fucking pouch… a box… a tray… something.

So why do I say that the ultimate pulsator doesn’t exist if the Stronics are very close to perfection?
Well it’s because I don’t think they thrust strongly enough to satisfy an envy of getting it real hard.
In Thrust we shall trust!
So If your needs are stronger faster deeper... just go get a fuck machine! Now THAT is power! It’s just a little hard to hide when your family comes to visit…

"It's not what you think, mom..."

2-Once upon a time, a little man in a boat

You probably had them all in front of you at once and it left you overwhelmed and yet, dazed and confused…Which one to pick!? A Magic wand, a bullet, an egg, a lip stick, a flash drive, a tongue, a rabbit, a dolphin, a hummingbird, a wait… what is this? -Possibilities are unlimited… but all these little fellas have one thing in common: they vibrate (or almost all of them…stay with me!)
Vibrators… what a beautiful invention. But again, how do you know which one will make your heart vibrate as well, so you two could go live happily together on a Carribean island with no other needs other than love and water.
We all stood there testing them on on hand while imagining the pulsations on our female parts to see if its perky enough. And I don’t know about you, but it’s still a hard decision to make. What if the hand says yes, but then we get home and the hooded little guy says meh. It will probably still get you off, but it will take longer…. and you have other shit to do, right?
Well ladies, I found The One. If you don’t know him already, let me introduce you: The Womanizer.
Tadaaammmmm

Don’t judge him by his look. L’habit ne fait pas le moine. I’m actually not sure why they designed it so ugly, but perhaps it’s to pass a message: It’s not always the cutest ones that are the most effective.
Although its shape can leave you sceptical, its a pretty simple toy to use, you don’t even have to move the toy around… Just lay back, relax and enjoy the ride. The silicon head doesn’t vibrate, but uses a gentle suction that will barely be perceivable if you put it on your hand for instance (The proof that the hand is not always a good judge). If your clit tends to be too sensitive for direct stimulation, the womanizer will definitely make someone happy; it sits on top of your beloved little bean and gently pulse around it… sending you in a happy place in no time. It even comes with an interchangeable silicon head if you want to quickly share your toy aaaaand a nice and hard storing case…. Hell yeah! They thought of us horny travellers.

3- I prefer the back door

Well well well….This has to be the hardest category for me to write, mainly because i’m not much of an anal person. It requires preparation… it hurts at first… it can get messy (What!? Come on, we all have a story…)
So, long story short… I like it, but not for too long… not with anybody… and I definitely need vaginal or clitoral interaction at the same time in order to fully enjoy. I’m sure lots of you are the same. But if you are the type that just loves getting it in the ass…. There is also a lot of toys being made everyday just for the sweet pleasure of your asshole. Leaving aside the regular dildos that you can just choose from your personal taste, there are indeed also a couple of new innovations on the horny adult market…
If you’re asking me (you’re not, but whatever :)), I personally like the ones you can inflate. They are easier to get in and you get that feeling of fullness when you pump it up (Pump p p pump pump it up!). If you like them to stay in place, an inflatable butt plug is the best option… and if you need that in and out feeling and you're outta humans…. Again, just get a goddamn fuck machine…
;)

Have fun and Happy Valentine!