Forgiving does not mean forgetting
I have been deeply unsettled for the last few days. Creating boundaries is no small task, especially for the abused. My experience is that I don't deserve boundaries. I have been explicitly taught that my feelings and need for space are invalid or wrong. The person I have been cutting ties to has repeatedly said the same.
Every time I set up a boundary, they knocked it down. It became the deciding factor to quit speaking to them altogether. So I finished our project and excused myself. But they are persistent, trying to warp the boundary I created so it only applies to certain areas of our relationship. I will not respond.
It is hard to cut off ties, especially as I'm in the business of compassion. I worry what stories others will create when they see my silence. It is visible. It will stay visible. Even though I don't feel angry anymore. This is not a living concern in my heart. This broken relationship, it is fading already and I am moving on even though I know they will lash back again and again for months at the least. It took two days almost for the latest attempt to draw me in.
It is important to forgive. I am able to forgive the past and present transgressions because I understand the complexities of this individual's thinking. I can't, however, do as this person suggested and allow a friendship to continue. Why? Because they are not safe and they will continue to harm me if I don't establish the strong boundary. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. Forgiveness is an act of compassionate understanding that is primarily for yourself, not the other party. Sometimes it can safely be extended to the other party.
In this case (before cutting off contact), I told the individual I forgave them, but stated that forgiveness does not equate trust. They were insistent that if you have forgive, you can then trust. Wrong.
But also right.
What I learned is that trust can be reapplied. I trust this person to hurt me again if I allow it. I trust them to continue using abusive tactics to get me to "love" them because they can't stand that I don't. I trusted them to keep my heart safe. They didn't. I now trust them to harm me. Why? Because that is what they taught me about themself.
I can forgive them, but forgiveness does not change reality. I choose to let go of the pain, but proceed with caution in recognition of my own needs and safety.
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I have always said that my ex-husband was poison...not enough to kill me but enough to make me really sick.
It took YEARS, especially after I found my soul mate and my kids became young men, before he finally left me alone.
I've been through the forgiveness stage. And you're right - it's best for one's self to forgive and purge the poison from our veins - but never to forget because that's how the vicious cycle begins again. I am thankful to be at a point where the thought of my ex-husband leaves me 100% indifferent. He was a person I once knew. Ahhh...freedom.
You'll get there @honeyscribe - you've got a good head on your shoulders and you are a worthy spirit warrior :)
It is so good to hear the need to respond ends. Today I've been thinking about responses and how far to take boundaries (right now, it's all the way), but that is difficult to uphold because of having worked together. I also hate the idea of freezing someone out even if they were burning me. Still choosing no contact. Sigh.
Hi @honeyscribe, I just stopped back to let you know your post was one of my favourite reads today/yesterday and I included it in my Steemit Ramble. You can read what I wrote about your post here.
Thank you, @shadowspub!
Forgiving does not mean forgetting so true!
Yes!
extraordinary post, congratulations, a very interesting article that has written more than one refexionar with words made.Perfect thanks for sharing
Thank you for reading!
Forgiveness is difficult but powerful. I haven't mastered it myself, but when I am able to forgive it is so liberating. I understand your words. Great post, Steem ON!
Thank you. It is a challenge, but one I've found grows easier with practice.
Its a wise choice to disassociate from people who cause you harm. I dont agree with the "I forgive but dont forget" because in most case it is no forviging at all...just a ploy to keep the other party in a kind of psychic debt that can never be repaid.
Depends on your definition of forgiving. As @honeyscribe says, the forgiveness is for her - for her peace of mind and soul. When you don't forgive, the person hurting is yourself. But she needs to remember, so she doesn't get sucked in again.
This is exactly it, @kiwideb. I can let go of the pain and anger, but not the memory. With the memory of wrong, I am able to remind myself that I shouldn't step back into that unhealthy space. Especially important for me because I am a people pleaser. That means I have trouble saying no even when I want to and it is safest. I think it is also less about remembering a "bad" thing about another person as it is about remembering that is was bad for me, @cryptoctopus.