Are your values valuable?

We use our stance of things to define who we are, as human beings. What you think about marriage, the government, religion, abortion, sports, charity etc is the sum of who you are.
Or is it?

We take such pride in who we are, in our “morals” - everyone wants to be considered a person of 'high morals', because that defines you as a respectable person, a decent fellow, a stand-up guy. So, we go to great lengths to define these said values really well, so that when asked, we can have an opinion about anything. And we like to be certain of those opinions, which just goes to show how insecure we really are, how little we actually know about the world.

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And it's understandable, to an extent. After all, we're thrown into this strange world as babies and as we grow, we find a pressing need to develop some rules. There are, of course, the default settings of the game – the rules imposed by society – but those aren't enough. You can't just live by those alone, because you'll find you're quite empty of conversation, you know? What would you defend, what would you argue against, if you just went by the default settings? Nothing, 'cause everyone has pretty much the same default settings, so it'd be boring to argue about those.
So we invest a terrible amount of time in creating a personality, in defining our values, what's important to us. And a lot of those things are just that – a created personality. An invention. We believe things and fight for things that are lies – we have a set identity, which we (and our parents) have worked hard to invent, we have a culture to look back on, a religion in which we're born, a stand on the rights of other people. And we hold on to that identity with our teeth, because we're terrified of losing it.

We choose our friends and our spouses based on those principles, on those ideas – we need people who are similar enough to us.
As children, we are willing to go against our morals, because we recognize them as malleable,as capable of change. But as we grow older, we become more afraid, more set in those values, in those ideas and although our values are still alterable, we're not. We become rigid.

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I noticed this in myself, last week. Our improv teacher asked us to sit in a circle on the floor and tell how we had met our best friends. And I found myself telling a story I knew well. My words were filled with great honesty.
See, I wasn't friends with my best friend because I thought she was too good, too nice. What do you expect – I was 11... And I became friends with this other girl, a real troublemaker.
Well, I found myself telling the class how this really wasn't my type of girl – smoking, hanging with dangerous kids and all that – and wasn't the type of kid I truly wanted to associate with. I was even shaking my head, disapproving.
And my teacher nodded his agreement – no, you shouldn't associate with such people. And that's it. I had passed judgment on her, although she was only 11 then, too. That's it , she must've been a bad influence and a bad kid. Heck, I barely knew her..how can I pass such judgment? I don't even remember why we stopped being friends, but I doubt it was such a mature reason...
This is just an example of what we do on a daily basis – we judge and pass sentences, based on our own set of principles, our own rotten values.

We become less and less open to different people, less willing to experiment and that's not good, because we enclose ourselves into our narrow little corner of the world, protecting our so called values and beliefs from people whose sole crime is that they have different values and beliefs. Most of them aren't hard criminals, or evil geniuses. They're just scared people, like all of us.

We live in these castles of fear and believe a lie – that we're right to live there – because that's what makes life in fear bearable.

Learn to spot your own bullshit - do what you want, not what you think you should (Image)

So how do we stop from doing this? How do we keep from hiding behind our fragile set of morals?
Well, I'm afraid it's not that easy.

Reading would be one idea... By reading, you expose yourself to variations, to a wider set of values and ideas than the ones in your little castle. Books allow you to see into the lives of others, and often into the minds of others. You find that different people aren't naturally wrong, and who knows, you might even come to understand the way they think things, their justifications for actions you may find repulsive.
So, surround yourself with all sort of books. Read, read, read. On all subjects. Fill your head with ideas and questions.

Fight it
I'm afraid the impulse to turn away people who are different is hard to combat. I doubt it will just go away overnight, regardless of how much you read. So, you have to kind of force it. Don't go talking up to random strangers, of course, that could land you in trouble. But don't automatically turn away from people, just because they're from a different religion or look weird.
Whenever you recognize this impulse in yourself, fight it.
Say 'hello' instead of 'bye'.
Remember, they're probably just scared and lonely, too.

Don't allow your image of who you are get in the way of who you really are.