Happy 18th Birthday to My Boy

I debated all day about writing this post. I was afraid...of criticism, of judgement, of bringing my failures to light. Now I figure, what the heck? What is the worst that could happen? Judge me if you will.

When I was 16...I got pregnant. My boyfriend and I had been together for seven months, but I had only been 16 for four. We had been doing the bad thing for a little while now and my mother had put me on birth control. Unfortunately, I had only been on the pill for two weeks when I began feeling nauseous in the morning, feeling heavy "down there," and feeling generally lethargic. My mother demanded I see a doctor for a pregnancy test.

My boyfriend and I drove 20 minutes to the next town (heaven forbid I see a doctor in my hometown), I peed in a cup, and we waited. We waited 3 hours. They finally called me back.

Now you have to realize this was 1998. Laws had just changed regarding a patient's individual right to privacy. They weren't sure if they should contact my parents first or just tell me the resulte. It took them 3 hours to figure out what to do. Three torturous hours when I didn't know what was going on. I was 16. I had no idea how long a pregnancy test should take.

They finally call me back and immediately start handing me brochures on prenatal health. I had to actually ask, "Am I pregnant?" before they actually told me anything.

Fast forward to 9 months later. I had just turned 17, (which my mother was grateful for so I didn't have to say I was 16 when I had him. Wonderful.) and my doctor was concerned that with my small size and the baby's potentially large size that I wouldnt be able to deliver him without a c-section unless he put me into labor a few days before my due date. We said okay, ran to Wal-Mart for a few things and arrived at the hospital to be induced.

At 10:12pm, Toby Allen was born. My mother had convinced me to give him my last name instead of his father's, saying we could have it legally changed if and when we got married. (Never happened, thank gawd.) Allen is his father's middle name (and my husband's).

Unfortunately, as Toby was being born, his umbilical cord broke. He lost a large amount of blood. They almost had to give him a transfusion. It was terrifying and confusing.

He was 7 lbs, 10.5 oz and 21 inches long. My baby boy.

Toby's father and I broke up a few months before his first birthday. He has refused to.l provide anything for us (i was still in school and working a part-time job) and I could tell already how bad our future would be.

In 2000, I met my husband. He immediately began caring for and treating Toby as though he was his own. He always offered to watch him when I worked, and even made Toby his own bedroom in his home.

In 2001, we married. We just celebrated our 16th anniversary.

So we are going to fast forward a few years. At age 7, Toby was diagnosed with moderate to severe autism. It was a shock, but at the same time, I knew he wasn't like the other kids. We have had many ups and downs regarding his autism but in the end, he is a wonderful, kind soul that everyone around him loves. He is a few years behind maturity-wise but he is catching up quick.

Toby's biological father hasn't attempted to contact us since Toby was only a few years old. If Toby wants to find him after he finishes school, he can. We won't stop him. We have never stopped his father from attempting to contact Toby.

This is his senior year of high school. I'm so scared about what his future may hold. Will he ever work outside my father's family business? Will he become the author he so desperately wants to be? Will he find love?

Whatever the future holds, I feel we are ready for it. Toby is strong, smart, kind, and innovative. He will find his place if the world will let him.